America's Got Talent Season Four Recap: Group 4 Performs

Nick Cannon is channeling his inner Hugh Hefner in a striped velvet smoking jacket and satin cravat, and I'm thinking the wardrobe department may not actually be smoking crack, but weed is certainly not out of the question. As the judges make their Dramatic Entrance, Piers Morgan is sucking his teeth, and Sharon Osbourne's gorgeous, lacy dress fools me--for a second, there, I thought it was actually navy, but no-black again. David Hasselhoff gives everyone finger guns and thumbs-ups. Drunk again!

Nick makes fun of their Dramatic Entrance, and Piers makes fun of Nick's jacket, so touché all around. Miss Sharon makes weird faces and clawing motions, so clearly she's been into Hoff's stash, which he claims is just "Hoffee" (yeah, with some Jameson's in it), although I do like his line, "If the acts are Hofful, I will buzz them Hoff". Nick just chuckles at the crazy old white man.

First to perform is Ishaara, which I believe is Marathi for "how ironic that the best dancer is the white girl". They perform to a song that is not "Jai Ho", but might be on the same soundtrack. I remember that Mr. Canary and I were very unimpressed with this group's audition, as So You Think You Can Dance contestants had been turning in much better Bollywood routines on less than a week's notice, but we both agree that tonight's performance is very good. Did all that yucky barefoot-in-a-parking-garage practice pay off, or is it simply because SYTYCD is much dimmer in our memories now? Whatever the reason, this time it's Yes.

Barbara Padilla, cancer survivor, loving wife and mom, and soprano par excellence, performs "Con Te Partiro", whose English lyrics are "time to say goodbye". This shorts out my tiny brain, because I'm pretty sure con te partiro means "I will go with you", so I don't get the goodbye part. Oh well, such thoughts are quickly banished from my mind by Barbara's performance.

First of all, she looks absolutely beautiful, and her gown is faerie-queene fabulous. Do you remember the movie Diva, in which the French guy was obsessed with Jessye Norman and stole her fabulous dress? Well, that dress was dog food compared to this dress. And the voice! We are not trained to know opera-singing, specifically, so we wonder if maybe people at the Met would scoff, but for us Canaries, this is truly sublime. The judges are likewise awestruck, and we all vote Yes.

Pam Martin, who auditioned with her adorable Jack Russell terrier, Viva, is performing tonight with Viva's brother Spy, so her act is now being billed as Pam Martin's Top Dogs to leave open the possibility of performing with any of her six (!) trained pooches. The theme of this act is the admirable "Adopt a Dog", and is done to the tune of that song that goes "do you love me now that I can dance" (title is something similar, I suppose). The dog does some cute stunts, notably walking on his front legs across an elevated pathway, but it seems a little slow-paced with just the two of them. Maybe Pam would have benefited from having a couple more of her dogs to keep things visually interesting.

The judges like it, especially Sharon, whose sixteen (!!) dogs apparently do nothing but pee on her drapes (Sharon's unfamiliar with the concept of "walkies", perhaps?). I'm giving Pam a Yes, but I wouldn't be shocked if she doesn't make it through this round.

Kenyan acrobats African High Flyers are up next, wearing cool orange camouflage outfits so they can hide amongst the ubiquitous day-glo spray-tanned reality starlets of Hollywood. They perform to Outhere's "I Like to Move It", and it's a very upbeat, high-energy act, but Piers buzzes them during their fourth stacking formation, which looks like something they already did in audition (and in the intro video). They do a fire limbo that's pretty mind-blowing, but when the act is done, Piers can't even be bothered to clap for these poor men who have just worked their asses off.

Piers justifies his buzzery by saying the act hasn't progressed far enough, and with the exception of the fire limbo, that's valid. Sharon is not sure they've added enough new elements but praises the energy and the effort. Hoff loved it to pieces, but the writing is on the wall at this point. The act was well-executed and earns a Yes from me, but I am very sure the Kenyans won't be moving on.

Mia Boostrom made it only as far as Vegas Week last year, but she's no quitter (take note, Sarah Palin), and so far she's made it one step further this year, thanks mainly to her being more emotionally stable than the much more talented American Idol alum Kelli Glover. Mia is weepy and hobbled by self-esteem issues enough for this show, of course.

She sings the Jeff Buckley version of Rufus Wainwright's "Hallelujah", and it's pleasant but not strong. There are some quavery bits, although I'm not absolutely sure that's her and not some problem with the sound. Still not a very strong vocal, especially as compared to Barbara Padilla, which comparison Piers brings up, but Mia handles his criticism well. Sharon and David praise her highly, but I can only give this performance an Okay, personally.

Erik and Rickie have to deal with the Product-Placement Pointless Question, which is, of course, "What would you do with the million dollars, or at least with your half of the $25,000 a year, before taxes, so maybe that's about 6 grand?" Rickie would help her great-grandparents move and buy her mom and dad new phones, which could probably be done for $500 a month, so good answer! Erik responds, "Take my family on a trip to Italy and try drivin' a Ferrrari". Hee. No wonder Rickie keeps insisting they are not boyfriend and girlfriend-she wisely wants to stay out of bankruptcy court.

Now, it is my opinion that Erik and Rickie are not naturally talented dancers like Arcadian Broad, but they put in the work and they are appealing performers. They are dancing a paso doble tonight, with Erik arrayed as a tiny matador and Rickie in flamenco flounces and WAY too much spray tan. They are somewhat mismatched as to height, with Rickie's being taller making lifts awkward. Also, we realize during the routine that Erik is actually the better dancer, with sharper footwork and much better form in the dance holds, while Rickie seems quite stuff and rote most of the time. She's got the proper snarly/sexy Latin dance-itude down, though.

They draw praise from the judges, as expected. Hoff thinks they can win it all (I disagree), Piers has also noticed Erik's better dancing, and Sharon likes them, but I hear a note of uncertainty as she says, "I hope people vote for you". As for me, the dance was Okay, but I am sure these kids will yet again coast through on their not inconsiderable charm.

Coney Island Chris is not eating glass this week, thank goodness, but another thing he is not is "funny". He keeps up a running patter of inanity much like that one kid in your class who is smart but poorly socialized and attempts to be funny by just saying random shit in crazy, muppet-like voices before going home to play Halo 2 for twelve straight hours with kindred souls across the globe. In the old days it would be D&D, of course.

Poor Chris. He bumbles around for a while being annoying, and by the time he has set his butt on fire (yes, really), he has amassed three Xs and the judges read him the riot act while he responds by making stupid faces and exaggerated shrugging gestures. God help this man's real-life acquaintances, is all I can say. Oh wait, I can also say No.

Matt and Anthony keep the Suck Train a-rollin' with a sprawling hot mess of superfluous dancers, a set that looks like an aggregation of kitchen appliances, an unnecessarily distracting background, a substandard vocal, pretty average tap-dancing and the ultimate fashion crime of black shoes with all-white outfits. Anthony, if your tap shoes come only in black, work with that, not against it! Crikey! And while the whole subtext of gay Anthony's unrequited crush on straight Matt is interesting, it does not merit my having to sit through even one more performance like this, so No.

Live! From Hollywood! It's The Lollipop Girls! I like these gals, and they present a very polished, professional and appealing act to the tune of "Hey, Big Spender". These ladies really understand burlesque; they keep it adorable and sexy, not slutty, despite the whole disrobing thing. Alas, even though I love these saucy chicks and give this act a big Yes, I know it won't appeal to the main voting demographic of this show, so thanks anyway, girls. Yet another wild-card act that won't make it. I bet Simon Cowell is feeling kind of doltish about now, or at least he would if he were the teeniest bit self-aware.

Up next is Drew Stevyns, and to this news I offer a resounding, "HUH?" Who the heck is this guy? They could have brought back amazing talents like Ciana Pelekai, Tallan Noble Latz or dammit, the Comic Bots, and instead they give the very last wild-card spot to Some Dude We Don't Know? I suppose I can see why, as his chiseled features remind me of a less angsty Rob Thomas, but how good can he be if didn't make it through for real and once again, I do not even remember him?

Not all that good, it turns out, as he performs The Fray's "How to Save a Life". He doesn't completely suck, but he's a little pitchy, dawg, and it seems to get worse, not better, as the song wears on. Piers is honest about the substandard singing, and yet still manages to praise him, which has gotta piss Mia Boostrom off, considering. Sharon and Hoff have also obviously been instructed to be positive and search desperately for nice things to say. Drew seems like a nice, moderately-talented guy, but is he worthy to pass this round? No, I don't think so, No.

Recycled Percussion has started out on my good side by reducing, reusing and recycling, and they stay there by choosing to perform Sweet's "Ballroom Blitz", one of my all-time favorite songs (and no, my life has not really been all that different from Wayne's World, thanks for asking). From the gravity-defying drum kits to the rhythmic use of power tools, sparks flying from grinders and jets of FIRE, these guys put on a giant show for just four dudes. The crowd goes wild, the judges are standing, and the Canaries are yelling YES!YES!

And those guys weren't even in the pimp spot, which is occupied tonight by the EriAm Sisters, whose parents I believe are from Ethiopia, if my East African Person Recognition Training fails me not. They perform Beyoncé's "Crazy in Love" in a cutely saucy routine and crazy rainbow kneesocks. Their singing is noticeably affected by the dancing, so they need to take a tip from Mrs. Nick Cannon and let the backup dancers handle the choreography needs. The judges acknowledge the singing/dancing thing but do not let it detract from the general praise. I think the girls did well enough to a get a Yes and probably also a pass to the next round.

So, tonight's Canary Calls, after analysis, will be first and foremost for Barbara Padilla, for incredible talent; second for Recycled Percussion, for a Vegas-ready stage show. Erik & Rickie and the EriAm Sisters will go through on their youthful appeal, and Ishaara is the best of the remaining acts. I personally would have put the Lollipop Girls or even Pam Martin through instead of Erik and Rickie, but these are predictions, not druthers. Stay tuned to see how right they are-or aren't!