America's Got Talent Season Four Recap: Semifinals, Group One

Well, this show has lasted ten weeks. Can we take three more? Oh, I suppose so. Even though only ten acts are performing tonight instead of twelve, this show is still gonna take two freakin' hours because NBC simply has nothing else to offer, as evidenced by the "recap" show (the performance show with most of the extra crap cut out, which only takes an hour) being aired now on Wednesdays before the results shows. Well, more filler for me to ignore, right?

Nick is turned out in a white tux jacket with a pintucked, not a ruffled, shirt, thankfully (don't make me go to the Puerto Rican wedding place, guys, I beg you). The wardrobe department is still given to excess, having provided him both a rose boutonnière and a pocket square. Although I cannot carp on Nick for over-accessorizing, because I have been blinded by the sparkle of Sharon Osbourne's 40,000 necklaces, each one of which costs more than my car. Oh, wretched excess!

Tonight we learn only four acts are going through to the final: three from voting and one from judge's choice. This is new, I think. Wasn't it five from each of the two semifinal groups last year? Of course the whole metric system got bollixed this year anyway when the groups of ten became groups of twelve with the addition of the overwhelmingly unnecessary wild cards.

Instead of just getting on with the performances, the acts are introduced, and then we get a video of each act talking about how cool everybody else is and how nervous they are. Yadda yadda yadda. And commercials.

Acrodunk is up first. That's not fair! They had to go first in the quarterfinal round, too. We learn the leader of the group is quite ancient, 45 years old (and in damn fine shape, thankyouverymuch), and another one of the guys has a deadbeat dad who crawled out of the woodwork to lap up some fame now that his kid's on TV (20 years later and your rejected son still loves you, Asshole-do you enjoy the power?). I wonder if Abandoned Girl's father bothered to stick around after she got eliminated from last year's show?

Irresponsible sperm donors aside, Acrodunk is on fire! "O Fortuna" leads into "Let it Rock" as the guys put on a heckuva show, culminating in not only a dunk through a flaming basket, but a leap through a flaming hoop to dunk into a flaming basket. A standing ovation from the judges says it all--awesome, spectacular, wow! And of course, Yes!

Up next, The Texas Tenors have been instructed to "sing to the ladies", so they offer the cheesetastic "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers, with some Spanish thrown in by the heavily-bearded one with the pretty blue eyes (the blond guy-whose eyes are brown, incidentally-gets all the attention, but all three are pretty attractive, in my not-so-shallow opinion). Even though this song is blatantly ooey-gooey, the opera blends in to elevate it to a more sublime place, in contrast to the uber-bombast of their last performance. Me likee.

Of course, Sharon goes right to the cougar place with "MAH-cus!", pretty much ignoring the other two; Hasselhoff is already envisioning their billboard on the Strip, and Piers calls them on the continued overabundance of cheese, then gives 'em props for it, calling it "brilliant". So cheese is pretty much the wheelhouse of The Texas Tenors, folks. Y'all heard it here. Nick impresses me by using the word "synergy", so it's a Yes for everybody!

Paradizo Dance is one of my favorite acts this year, and so far they have been stunt-y (tiny Zoe picking giant Dave up) and ethereal (Zoe's floaty white dress flowing as she spins gracefully in the air). Tonight, they try for funny, performing a newlyweds-at-home routine to SmashMouth's "I'm a Believer" (from the Shrek soundtrack, appropriately enough).

It's very cute, emphasizing their lovability and presumably Dave's Shrek-ness, and gets lots of cheers from the audience, but it doesn't get a stamp of approval from the judges: Sharon and Hoff missed the ethereal, and Piers, who again did not bother to clap, is still stuck back at stunt-y. He grouses that Zoe should have lifted Dave more, going back to the stupid "stay in your box, because that's what we like, but make things different, or we'll piss and moan that you didn't grow" place. How can they win? I'm giving Paradizo Dance a Yes, but I fear the judges have colored the voting.

Next, Nick announces that Drew Thomas "will be attempting his most incredible illusion yet". Gee, I wonder if he's going to make someone disappear and appear somewhere else? Yawn.

And yes, the Drew Thomas Magic show continues to be about making people show up unexpectedly-his two babealicious assistants and hot wife appear out of the bottom of a lemonade stand, a steamer trunk, and one of those red Craftsman tool caddies-and then switch places (the three hotties go into the empty clubhouse and are replaced by Drew's daughter, holding three hottie dolls [cute touch!]), but it's done with style and a lot of sweetness as well, especially because we already know it's really his daughter, whom he doesn't see that often.

Unfortunately, the poor girl has to stand there with her dad and listen to Piers, who buzzed him, criticize the music, the pace of the act, the one-trick-ness of it all (valid), and he is so thoroughly contemptuous the poor kid starts crying, so of course the PathosCam immediately zooms in close on her misery. Sharon rushes to give comfort, and Hoff also praises the soft vibe as well. I personally had no problem with the music or the sweet, laid-back nature of the act; I'm just tired of seeing the same damn trick every time, so I'm going to go No on this one.

Tony Hoard and Rory were kind of gobsmacked (well, Tony was; Rory just wants to kill things) at having beaten Charles DeWayne, but even more gobsmacked at the resulting adulation his hometown handed out on his triumphant return (not so much on his erstwhile boss's part, unfortunately). Piers still stupidly clings to his fantasy that Rory dropped almost all his Frisbees, but I'm rooting for their dynamic and fun act.

Once again, there are backup dancers to flesh things out and add action (Pam Martin is probably kicking herself as she watches); they also serve as human props for some of the stunts. To the "Let's Get it Started" version of the Black Eyed Peas song "Let's Get Retarded" (oh yes they did), Tony and Rory, dressed in matching silver lamé, put on a great show that includes a rapid-fire catch sequence that has Rory clomping down on a dozen discs in a row with no dropsies. Happy now, Piers? I guess he is; he doesn't buzz. There are a couple of small mistakes (Rory runs around a dancer he is supposed to run across, for example), but nothing that takes away from the overall kickassness of the performance.

The judges love it, even Piers, and Sharon is righteously angry at Tony's boss, who let him go rather than let him take unpaid time off to do the show (so much for hometown luv). She hilariously proclaims, "the karma truck will be parked outside his house from now on!" What could I add; that was awesome. And of course, Tony and Rory get a big Yes from me.

After the break, we are yet again reminded the Voices of Glory have a sad backstory (mom in wheelchair), but it's nice to see they are very normal kids: Michael, the older boy, is a jock, Avery is an artist, and the two brothers have nicknamed Nadia "Na-Diva" because she always sings around the house. They're pretty adorable, really.

And yet, we keep expecting them to be fantastic, and they keep not being fantastic. They do not do Mariah Carey's "Anytime You Need a Friend" justice at all, despite the audience luv. Nadia is still clearly the best of the three, but even she has a bit of a nasal tone (voice coaching can probably eliminate that), and she messes up the last note, resulting in a rather stricken facial expression.

The judges roundly praise them. I am herewith going to make a prediction: They might make it to the next round, but they won't win the whole thing. Nadia, however, stands a fair chance of being packaged and sold by Lord Cowell. I hope these poor, sweet, wonderfully normal kids don't get chewed up by show business. They are quality human beings, and they have the potential to do a lot more good in this world than just being minor-level pop stars. I'm voting No, but America? Could always be another story. Sharon is quite sure they'll make the final.

Up next, the Fab Five, who all look like their mom, turn in a drumline-inspired routine to "Lose My Breath" (Ciara? I can't remember), and of course, we are reminded of the movie Drumline, starring Mr. Nick Cannon himself, and wonder if he is going to say anything about it when he joins them after the set, but he doesn't. Instead, they actually give him a shout-out for Drumline 2, which I believe embarrasses the crap out of him, as well it should. At least it wasn't called Drumline 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Anyway, I continue to be impressed by the Fab Five's amazing precision and energy, if not by their dairy-cow-capturing acumen, and give them a mighty YES. The judges like them, as well. I hope they go through, but the competition is getting pretty tough.

Grandma Lee is shown crying a lot, which makes us all soft and gooey, because who doesn't feel an instant pang at the sight of a little kid or an old person crying? They look so helpless. And yet, I suspect in real life Grandma Lee is probably not only a crusty old broad but probably a mean old beeyotch, as well. I've seen the type, having done some time among mountain folk myself. However, let's put all suspicions aside and judge her on the merits of her performance.

Okay, once again, she is marginally funny. Her delivery is quite good, but she needs better material. She cracks on Kevin Skinner's family, which is how rednecks bond, y'all. Sharon hopes people vote, but I sense doubt in Mrs. Osbourne's voice. Hoff is wholehearted and Piers shows love based more on her video package than on her actual performance, it seems. Canaries give it a communal No. Well, maybe an Okay, but I don't see her going any farther.

Arcadian Broad, a kid we have come to know as having taken up dance after being woefully unsuccessful at sports, is doing a basketball-themed dance number to some High School Musical-sounding song (ask your tween). The first thing I notice is that he has quite a lot of grown-up, professional dancers with him who are perhaps not going to provide a suitably dull backdrop for his ability, because they are obviously very good. Next, Arcadian's hardcore ballet moves suit neither the music nor the basketball concept, even though he executes them wonderfully.

Third, he dances with a little girl from back home whom he fancies, but that is not a particularly good reason to put her in this critically important dance routine. She does not equal or particularly compliment him as a dance partner, although she's not completely bad. She will probably be fine after a few more years of training. She's just not as sharp with her moves as any of the others, and it doesn't help because I've stopped watching him and am now observing how much she sticks out from the other backup dancers, who are killin' it.

Last but not least, when Piers expresses doubt that Arcadian's dancing ability is not sufficient to move him on in the competition, Arcadian responds that he didn't want to do High School Musical, but the producers basically made him. Oh, snap! Okay. Well, I'd like to thank Arcadian Broad for confirming what we've all suspected and for having the balls to speak up on live TV, and I would also like to wish him luck in his dancing career, which may not go any farther than the crashing halt it just came to on THIS show. So, um, I guess that'd be a Yes for "balls", No for "a chance".

Kevin Skinner is in the pimp spot, as well you might imagine, given this show's tireless pushing of him as the front-runner. That title has not been fully earned, in my humble opinion, but he redeems himself somewhat after last week's shaky performance with a straightforward, tuneful rendition of "You Were Always on My Mind". The tempo seems a little fast to me, so I'm thinking it's based more on the Elvis Presley version than the more plaintive Willie Nelson version (which I prefer, although Fantasia did a good version on her début CD).

I recognize this as a good job of singing, and for that I give it a Yes, but frankly, I did not get a big emotional surge out of it. Despite Piers's bloviations about tears in people's eyes, it was not nearly as touching as his original audition with the Garth Brooks song. Also, both Piers and David flog the whole "cornfed-hillbilly-as-unexpected-singing-sensation" to friggin' death, still trying to work the whole Susan Boyle of it all. Ugh.

Okay, so Canary Calls are Acrodunk, for showmanship; Texas Tenors, for playing to their strengths; Fab Five, for energy, precision, and making band uniforms kind of naughty (okay, I know Gwen Stefani did it first, but it's been a while); and Kevin Skinner, because that is the designated train, and it will keep a-rollin'.

The first time I watched the show (the recap process requires at least a couple of viewings), I missed the four-go-through thing and assumed five went through as usual. To that end, I had three contenders for fifth place: Voices of Glory, Tony Hoard and Rory, and Drew Thomas Magic, with Tony and Rory edging the others. It was easier to pick just four, I admit!