America's Newest Celebrity: "The Great Illinois Corn Flake"

Can a flake become a celebrity? Apparently so, according to Virginia sisters Emily McIntire, 15 and Melissa McIntire, 23, who recently discovered America's newest superstar, dubbed "The Great Illinois Corn Flake." Little did they know in the beginning that a megastar would be born out of their box of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes. While some might view this as an overnight success story, insiders who know the flake well suggest otherwise.

"The odds were stacked up against him from the start," revealed a close associate of the flake who requested to remain anonymous for security reasons. "No one can imagine what he - we -endured. Many who came before us didn't make it, but we're here to tell our story. And what a story it is."

Don't let the glamorous image fool you; the Great Illinois Corn Flake came from humble beginnings.

"Like so many of us, he felt trapped in a box and had just about given up all hope," the source stated. "That is the typical life of a flake. You just sit and await your demise. People chew you up and you're history. This life is not what it's cracked up to be by the media. Contrary to what Tony the Tiger says, it's not so grrreat!"

So how did he do it? How does a corn flake escape the terrifying snare of destruction and go on to achieve fame and fortune?

"Well, it took a great deal of determination," the insider reported. "And also support from other flakes in the community. When Emily went to grab a handful of us before heading to school one morning, Great indicated that he wanted more out of life and saw this as his big chance. We believed in him and pushed him ahead of the crowd - right into her hand. It was only a matter of time before Emily saw what raw potential he had. I'm so glad that for once, someone thought inside of the box. Thinking outside of the box is highly overrated."

Soon after being discovered, Great was entered into a talent search on eBay. After some controversy over his qualifications (foods are not typically considered legitimate contestants in the eBay talent search), Great defied the odds and found true success.

"Emily and Melissa refused to give up and so did Great. Soon he'll be rubbing edges with Marilyn Monroe's datebook in a traveling exhibit," the insider stated. "Lucky guy!"

The insider plans to reveal his own identity soon - in the form of an autobiography. "I have a story to tell too," he said. "I bear a striking resemblance to the state of Utah, but chose to remain behind the scenes for a while and let Great have his moment in the spotlight. I was the last to make it into Emily's hand, but I was able to maneuver out of it and drop down to the ground. Fortunately, I landed with no broken pieces - no crumbs," he said as he let out a sigh of relief.

Author's Note: This piece is intended as a humorous spin-off of a true story reported by Associated Press.

Ill.-Shaped Flake to Join Traveling Show. Associated Press. March 26, 2008.

Illinois-shaped corn flake sells for $1,350 on eBay. Associated Press. March 18, 2008