An American Attempt at UK Humor Writing

UK English is not easy for an American to learn how to write. Grammatical phrases, common slang terms, and spellings are not the same between countries. The best way to learn how to write UK English is through trial and error efforts at getting various styles of stories and speech patterns into shape.

Here is one of my latest attempts at learning to write UK humor:

Hold the cell, mates... I refuse to participate in another one of your antwacky holiday cruise ship adventures where the only thing allowed to ignite and burn is the hole through my pocketbook. Nope! This year my leisure time shall be filled with first-rate hotels and lots of pretty girls in bikinis down by the poolside. No discount hotels for this old boy; I've got a plan. This year a luxury hotel can just pay ME to mind their afternoon bathers.

Pass those hire ads this way, please? I've got some work to do. Humm... "Hotels" - Gardner? ... (Too sweaty.) Laundress? ... (Too smelly.) Dog walker? ... (Eye-roll.) What rubbish! The pools all seem to be full this season at hotels and discount hotels alike.

Well, Aunty? There goes that cheap holiday game-plan. We can't very well have my allergies sneezing all over those poor little fluffies. Besides, as the mistress once said to the gardener, those bikini clad girls might be as rare as hen's teeth around the luxury hotels if I'm tossing their suits into the washer, while riding a lawnmower, with a Doberman waiting to visit my freshly cut grass by my side.

But, I've just got to 'ave my cheap holiday this year after driving that bus hither and fro with all of those screaming brat... uh, school children, with their youthful scholarly ambitions turned up to decimals worthy of a Led Zeppelin concert. I'll walk to discount hotels if that's what it takes, and imitate the best blag artist in town for my supper. With careful trip planning, I can still beat the hotels to the bank. Naw, I don't bunk off like my charges. In fact, I make a dandy wage, but see no reason to empty my pockets on holiday.

Hotels come in all price ranges, and some cheap hotels are very nice indeed. After all, I just need a clean discount hotel bed to sleep in, and some new mates at the hotels down the road with their pretty poolside bikini attractions displayed on the loungers. So what if I'm 57? I keep in shape. My age has nothing to do with my holiday plans. I've been called a babe magnet more than once in my life, and my sister is never wrong about anything.