An American Student in London On: Piccadilly Circus

"There's a hole on the world like a great black pit and it is filled with people who are filled with **** and the vermin of the world inhabit it," chants the title character in Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd, played by Johnny Depp. It neatly encapsulates the movie's version of London, but in today's world, it's really only true about one part of the city, Piccadilly Circus. You could probably add "overpriced" too.

I exaggerate, but not much. You should go to Piccadilly Circus, once. Walk around. See the sights. Ooh and aah. Maybe even get a hot dog from a street vendor. But do not, under any circumstances, seriously consider spending a night out there unless you are both rich and a devotee of mediocre house music. The bars in Piccadilly certainly seem like they ought to appeal to someone, but I'm not sure who, aside from the 36 year-old, Eastern European dudes (all dudes) who seem to congregate there, and on their behalf I blame the guidebooks.

The clubs, and nearly every bar there is actually a "club," look nice enough, that must be said in their defense. The neon is as bright as you'd expect from "London's Times Square," but also as shallow. Inside you'll find dance floors transformed into uncomfortable-sway floors by the thick, almost viscous crowds. At the bar, you'll see low-end drinks approaching £5 a pop, and bartenders not very interested in serving them to you anyway. Your fellow clubbers will consist mainly of the previously mentioned Euro-dudes, with a few extremely rich American students, the guys super-drunk and the girls super-snobs. You will not find any Londoners apart from the barstaff. And I implore you to take my word for all of this too, because it'll take a long wait and a £10 or £15 cover charge (If you look hard enough, you might uncover a 5-pounder) just to get in the door.

Some clubs and bars in Piccadilly probably actually do serve a purpose in certain very specific situations. The Sports Café not only offers a pound-pint night, but is the best bet to find American sports coverage on TV. It's Thursday night wing deal is worth checking out too. Likewise, Walkabout can be fun on a student-night. If you're a fan of particular DJ's, and you check the schedules often enough, you're bound to find one making the circuit on any given weekend. Without a very good reason though, Piccadilly is more trouble than it's worth.

Most likely, you'll still wind up there. A club-hungry or guidebook addicted friend will drag you to TigerTiger or On Anon, and you will probably trust them at least a couple of times. In those situations, when you inevitably get fed up with the scene - and all except a select few will - don't just try another club in the same area. Head up Shaftesbury Ave. and then turn down a smaller street into Soho. The obvious places are still expensive and can still frustrate with long lines and pissed-off bouncers, but this area at least rewards exploration. A sharp eye will find more variety - jazz clubs, cocktail bars, and late-night lounges - to balance the still-present "oonceoonce" scene. Remember that despite recent law changes, London's still a relatively early town, so don't expect too much if you stumble out of Strawberry Moons at 12:45, half-drunk, very unsatisfied, and 15 minutes too late to catch the last Tube, but a walk through Soho might be your best bet out of the overpriced "hole in the world like a great black pit" that is Piccadilly Circus.