An Atheist's Experience in a Children's Hospice
What amazed me was how many of the family members reacted. Instead of being realistic and appreciating the time they had left with their beloved child, many would hold prayer vigils 24/7 over the scared, helpless child.
I saw one young child who while still conscious was terrified by his parents' erratic behavior yet the parents kept on as if in a trance despite his tears. The most I could do was pop my head in once in a while to offer them a break or help from a counselor.
Most children would rather be physically comforted, held and, I don't know, hear an occasional, "I love you," rather than having people constantly pray over him or her for a last-minute miracle. Maybe the parents thought they were doing some good but the science behind the illness and the children's reactions told me they were behaving in a way that was only helping themselves. The young patients were more level-headed than their visitors regarding their impending death.
Most devout Christians at the hospice knew of no other way to handle the situation other than praying to Jesus. The families refused to listen to doctors and nurses when told that their loved one had only days left to live. For example, few parents lost in prayer ever listened to their child's blast count to know that the Leukemia was end-stage and instead wished for something to happen. They believed down to the last breath in that healing miracle but it always ended the same way. The loved one died and yet he or she was still healed by Jesus in heaven. As an Atheist this is such hypocrisy to me but my heart tells me it is more like unawareness.
Maybe some people have no real tangible coping measures under times of great duress. They can't turn into themselves due to a lack of knowledge or strength and find God to turn to instead. When the child dies their faith keeps them from questioning their God's lack of involvement while he or she was still alive.
I never mentioned my beliefs to the parents unless they asked first. I knew my time was best spent helping those kids cross of items on their do-do list, arranging flowers, bringing in their favorite food, throwing spa days for the girls, playing their favorite music for them on my computer or even bringing in my cello and playing soothing melodies for them. Very few of the prayer families were this involved with their own children.
I met some amazing kids in that place. Their premature knowledge of suffering really matured them to a point of enlightenment on so many levels. It was a privilege to meet them all and help them find some joy in their final days.
I tried so hard not to judge the more hysterical (and by hysterical I don't mean amusing) visitors. As an Atheist I had received enough judgment for a lifetime but this constant among the more extreme Christians led me to leave the hospice. I felt comfort in my own reality and inner strength and those experiences confirmed my beliefs in a way. I reveled in being an open-minded pragmatist.
I know I only mentioned Christians in this article. I don't mean to generalize but almost all of the patients were of Christian belief. The ones who weren't Christian were calmer and at peace with the natural dying process. I don't want to end this story on a secular note. The main message is how these kids were treated during their last days and hours.
Everyone has a different idea of what comfort is, but I guarantee a child's idea of comfort (or a terminally ill adult for that matter) is vastly different that the emotional needs of the parent. You may say, "Easier said than done," but when dealing with a dying family member, please remember that you are not the one actively dying. You need to be there for the dying family member first, and tend to your own feelings when out of the room or after he or she has died. Being selfless is so important during this time.
I've seen so much time wasted on hopeless prayer when all the child wanted was someone to lay with them and hold them. Keep in mind that some physicians believe that many unconscious people can still hear up until the time of death. They might be able to hear but be too paralyzed to say when they are being made uncomfortable or voice when they are scared. I ultimately left because in my opinion, forcing a young child to experience salvation anxiety during his or her last hours is wrong in so many ways. It was especially distressing because the parents and family were too far gone in prayer to see the harm they were doing and we had to respect their religious beliefs no matter what - even despite obvious distress in the patient's face and/or vital signs.
Published by Alicia White
Alicia is a former air traffic controller who lived in Japan for several years. She's currently a freelance writer in California, and a full-time student majoring in digital media/graphic design. View profile
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83 Comments
Post a CommentThank you for the very thoughtful article. As an atheist who has considered volunteering at a hospice, this certainly gives me pause. I cannot be sure that I could keep my mouth shut if I saw someone's "loved one" being terrified by their family, no matter how good the intentions on the part of the family.
It is sad to me (sorry to those who will take offense) that so many would live down to the stereotype of the self-involved family member -- more overwhelmed by their own loss than what the actual dying person must be feeling.
One should expect that from a child, not an adult.
I think that such a position finds an easy home in religious zealotism, as all the True Believer need do is offer lip service. "God helps those who help themselves" is not on their list of truisms.
I hope that elder-care facilities will at least benefit from a sassy Grandma or Grandpa that won't stand for such foolishness.
Anyway, thank you again for sharing your experience. It is always fascinati
It's so sad, to hear of children dying without the comfort they deserve. NOTHING takes precedence over a child's need. When I was in ICU, a 'Jane Doe' and unable to respond or even open my eyes I heard someone praying over me. I figured it meant I was completely screwed and it frightened me terribly. I was still a teenager and probably had better coping skills than a small child would, I can't imagine how frightened they would be. I'd much rather have had someone hold my hand or to simply say they were there. If it had been my family, I love you's would have been what would have comforted me.
Going through Tammy's mind right now: "FINALLY, some Christians who actually READ the article!"
Good article, by the way. :) I think you could've gotten rid of some of the confusion, though, if you had described the prayer vigils in more detail.
Thank you for having an open mind and sharing your story with me Antionette. I'm glad your stepson is healthy today - all of your children for that matter, because it sounds like your little ones have been through a lot. I appreciate your comment and compliment. Leaving that hospice was difficult for me, and I might volunteer at another one one day when my children are older. It's always nice to hear from someone who believes in God and prayer and still understands and appreciates what these children were going through. Except for the recent comments, most believers were angered by my words instead of putting themselves in the childrens' shoes. Thanks again and have a grest evening.
I believe in God and the power of prayer. I am also the mother of three little boys and a stepson. We had a few moments through life were we thought we might lose one of our babies. My stepson was born severly premature and the doctors said he would not live. Well he is 8 years old now and healthy as can be. When I had my second son the doctors said that they could only save one of us and as a mother of course I choose my son's life over mine. A lot of prayers later I was wheeled out of the operation room from my c-section doing fine and my son was healthy. While I believe in prayer I find it wrong for adults to scare a child with their religious beliefs. So many people die without any warning. Take this time to know that God has told you in advance how short your time is with your child and live every moment to the fullish with your child. I must say that you acted wonderfully with these children and they were blessed to have you with them.
Thanks Momie (^_^)/
Great article. Lonnette said exactly what I was thinking. :-)
Thanks for the comment Kelly. - I was going by my middle name for a while. I try that out every once in a while because I hate my first name so much haha.
I agree with everything you said, especially feeling the need to overcompensate for something that can't be proven or explained. Being that selfish is fine in your own home or when speaking with others who care, but this attitude does not belong in a hospice situation. It's like, find another, healthier way to calm your unproven salvation questions and anxieties. A dying child shouldn't have to deal with someone else's burden.
Thanks again. :)
errr I mean Tammy not Lynne. LOL
Lynne this is a great piece. I, myself am not a Christian but I understand Christian's need to appeal to God but what I DON"T understand is the selfishness many Christians have that is disguised by a need for supernatural miracles to prove to themselves and others that god exists. If the Christian God were going to intervene in someone's life and heal them from illness, I don't think he/she/it would need a group of people to gather in prayer before acting.