An A-to-Z Review of George W. Bush, Amateur President

As our long national nightmare slowly winds to a close, let's take a fond A-to-Z look back at the eight-year funfest that has become better known as the presidency of Dumb-Ass.

A is for John Ashcroft

As Attorney General, Ashcroft had the Spirit of Justice statue which stands in the Justice Department covered in drapes because the chick depicted in the sculpture was (GASP!) partially nude. His conservative views on pornography were given as the reason for the cover-up. Yep, nothing gets those juices flowing like the sight of aluminum boobies.

B is for Osama Bin Laden

Remember him? He's the dude President Hard-Ass was referring to when he said shortly after the 9/11 attacks, "If he thinks he can hide from the United States and our allies he will be sorely mistaken." That was nearly seven years ago. But let's not judge the President too harshly for not capturing the bastard. It's really hard to find something you ain't lookin' for.

C is for Crawford

To get away from the daily grind of being a blooming idiot, the "Vacation President" escapes to his ranch in Crawford, Texas.

D is for Dick Cheney

The only way the Vice President could have a more appropriate moniker would be if his last name was Head.

E is for The Education President

That is how our leader, who once asked the question "Is our children learning?" would like to be remembered. Never mind that he was hardly the "Education Student." Hint to President Stupid: If you read, you will learn! P.S. Archie comic books don't count.

F is for Fucked

Yep, pretty harsh language; but that's what America has been ever since the Supreme Court (motto: Making it up as we go along) decided it would be funny to put a monkey in charge.

G is for God

Dubya says he believes God (not the Supreme Court) chose him to lead our nation. So apparently all this stuff we keep hearing about God loving us is nothing more than a flaming pile of dog poop.

H is for Hurricane Katrina

After New Orleans became a part of the Gulf of Mexico, FEMA responded with the kind of incompetency that has defined the entire Bush administration. As thousands of displaced Americans continued to float helplessly through the debris desperately calling for someone to pay attention, President Clueless told FEMA director Mike Brown, "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job!" Despite the pat on the back from the big boss man, "Brownie" was soon forced to resign his post.

I is for Idiot, Imbecile, Ignoramus

Take your pick, they all fit.

J is for Jingoism

Dictionary.com defines jingoism as: "Extreme and emotional nationalism, or chauvinism, often characterized by an aggressive foreign policy, accompanied by an eagerness to wage war." Or, as dimwitted Bush-backers might put it, "God bless America and screw the United Nations. We are the big dog here and if we want to bomb the shit out of another country and invade it we will goddamn do it!"

K is for Karl Rove

When it comes to political scumbags, there is none bigger than Rove. Among his many slime-ball activities (far too numerous to name here), this turd orchestrated the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame because her husband was critical of the Bush administration. Plus, he looks like a big fat doofus.

L is for Scooter Libby

In addition to having a really stupid name, he's the numbskull who took the fall for the Plame CIA leak. Then, in a shocking development, Scooter's 30-month federal prison sentence was commuted by President Dumb-Dumb.

M is for MissionAccomplished

If the mission was to invade a country with no ties to 9/11 and no Weapons of Mass Destruction, turn it into a breeding ground for terrorists, ignite a civil war, lessen the population of Iraq by untold thousands, and destroy the lives of more than 4,000 young Americans and their families, YOU DID IT DUDE. Congrats!

N is for Nookyuler

It seems like the guy who has the power to employ nuclear weapons ought to know how to pronounce the goddamn word!

O is for Oil Prices

As the price of oil goes up, we pay for it at the gas pumps. Our genius in Washington, when told that gas prices were expected to reach a new milestone, responded, "Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? That's interesting. I hadn't heard that."

P is for Pretzel

Just can't get enough yuks picturing President Numb-Nuts choking on that dastardly little piece of knotted bread dough, passing out and banging his head on the table. It's one of the few positives we can take away from this whole mess.

Q is for Quagmire

No, we're not talking about Glenn Quagmire, the pervert from Family Guy. The quagmire we are referring to is our current situation in Iraq where we are stuck up to our asses in giggity giggity goo without an exit strategy. But that's what happens when your president is a real-life version of Peter Griffin.

R is for Donald Rumsfeld

The former Secretary of Defense always looks like he has to take a major dump. You would think the major dump he took on Iraq would have put a look of relief on his face. Not so much.

S is for Embryonic Stem CellResearch

Since this administration doesn't seem to believe in science, it is no surprise that President Einstein opposes research that could lead to finding cures for many debilitating diseases. We can only hope that it comes back to bite him in the ass.

T is for Torture

That's the stuff that we don't do to prisoners. We know this because our fearless leader says so. The same guy who has fed us a gigantic pile of bullshit stories ever since he was given the keys to the car.

U is for The United Nations

President Rambo told the UN to get screwed and then invaded Iraq with minimal support from our allies. This has resulted in the burden being carried almost exclusively by our overworked American troops. Nice plan.

V is for Virtuous

Returning to our friends at Dictionary.com, the definition of virtuous is: "Conforming to moral and ethical principles; morally excellent; upright," which has absolutely nothing to do with President Bobo's administration.

W is for Weapons of Mass Destruction

What do Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Weapons of Mass Destruction have in common?

X is for Xenophobia

Back one more time to our good buddies at Dictionary.com for the definition of xenophobia: "An unreasonable fear or hatred of foreigners or strangers or of that which is foreign or strange." Or, as we like to call it here in America: the Bush foreign policy.

Y is for Youthful Indiscretion

That is what we were told Georgie's DUI was. For the record, the wild-and-crazy kid was 30-years-old when he was arrested for "operating under the influence." That's three years older than the average age of Americans who have suffered casualties in the war he created during another one of his "youthful indiscretions."

Z is for Ground Zero

The former site of the World Trade Center remains as a constant reminder that G-Dub's promise to "smoke them out of their holes" has yet to be realized. But, once again, you can't find what you ain't lookin' for.