An Easterastrophe

I don't think I will ever really understand Easter. My family is religious, and on any given Easter Sunday, you will find them in the third pew from the front, left hand side, at their church. I don't think they appreciated my walking around and wishing everyone a "Happy Zombie Jesus Day". I told my mother the night before, "You'd better leave some candy out for Jesus so he doesn't eat your brains while you sleep!" She didn't. I'm concerned that she may be missing part of her brain. Maybe that's how Easter is continually celebrated, because people are losing their minds, literally. I forget that this well-wishing is offensive to some. I had a half hour debate with my sister about whether or not Jesus was a zombie. She (religious) was adamant that he wasn't. We ended up calling it a draw because she wouldn't accept my definition of "undead". I still call it a victory because she actually argued with me for a half an hour about it.

Even the most religious member of my family breaks out the Easter baskets and candy. Could there be another more legitimate reason for giving candy at Easter than to satiate an extremely hungry zombie Jesus? From what I understand, there isn't. Besides, I don't really eat candy, and Peeps aren't good unless they've been sitting in the pantry for a year and a half. My favorite, though I don't eat chocolate, are the mini-chocolate versions of chocolate. For some reason, these aren't sacrilegious, but rather accepted by the religious.

Mini, chocolate version of Jesus in hand, my mom asks if I will be staying for lunch. Ham. I don't eat ham. She knows this, but I think it's her way of saying that I should be there anyway, for the family. I have to wonder why we always have ham on Easter. Is it some sort of anti-Semitic ritual? It's like saying, "You don't believe Jesus was resurrected on this day (that changes every year), so to spite you, we will eat ham because you can't!" Maniacal laughter follows.

All in all, I don't think allowing your brain to be stolen, candy splurging, and Anti-Semitism are really acceptable especially on such a revered holiday, on any holiday for that matter. Perhaps an explanation is in order, but who to ask? The Easter bunny?