An Exclusive Interview with Associated Content Producer, Joy

Her chosen pseudonym is most befitting. One encounter with Joy, and you will feel nothing short of uplifted. She is a survivor in every sense of the word, having overcome the emotional and psychological damage that sexual abuse inflicted upon her by her own father once caused. You will not find a trace of bitterness in Joy's story, however. She is a woman who lives by the word of God and always chooses to forgive. And she has gone on to live a wonderfully fruitful life as a wife, mother and published author.

To learn more about Joy's life, you only need to visit her CP page or her blog site, Healing Stream for Survivors. A gifted writer, she uses her talent to minister to others who have been victims of abuse. She is not afraid to recount the most painful moments of her past in order to convey that anyone who has endured abuse - whether sexual or otherwise - can become a survivor.

I had the opportunity to interview Joy and was deeply inspired by our communication. It is my pleasure to share this interview with the AC community.

Dr. M: Using five adjectives or less, please describe 1) the woman you were 20 years ago, then 2) the woman that you are today.

Joy: 1) fearful, anxious, guarded, intimidated, uneasy; 2) joyful, content, straightforward, lighthearted, creative. I can list these adjectives but they don't tell the full story. Twenty years ago I was a woman who was always striving for something that I could never attain. I was always looking for something that would allow me to feel secure and worthy. Inside I felt worthless, insecure, and totally frustrated. It was as if something was always nagging at me, letting me know that I was never good enough, I did not measure up. These days, I feel completely comfortable in my own skin. I know who I am and what I am about. I seldom do things perfectly, but neither does anyone else. I try to live each day, doing what God's will is for my life for today and not worrying about what comes tomorrow. That brings peace and contentment as well as a sense of worth.

Dr. M: Your faith has played a significant role in your healing from the emotional and psychological scars of sexual abuse. In your AC article, The God Issue - Sexual Abuse Recovery, you urge readers not to hold God responsible for the injustices that man inflicts upon them, pointing out that God gave man his own free will to choose between right and wrong. Was there any period in your life where you did question or blame God for your abuse, and if so, what was the turning point for you?

Joy: Oh, yes! I was born 2 months prematurely, weighing less than 3 lbs. I struggled for my very life. I questioned God about His wisdom in allowing me to live in light of the fact that He knew what my life would be like once I was released from that hospital. I quickly realized that God doesn't mind if we question; I also realized that the abuse was not His will for my life, yet He allowed it. God alone is able to take the things that were meant to harm us and destroy us and turn them around. My focus turned to what can we - God and I - do with this mess now? God specializes in our messes and delights in showing Himself in the midst of it all.

Dr. M: Did you ever stop believing in love because of the abuse that was inflicted upon you by your father? If so, how did you learn to trust in love again?

Joy: Somewhere inside I always believed in the power of love. I longed for it and prayed for someone to come along who would truly love me.

Dr. M: You've been married for almost 40 years now. What is the single most important bit of advice that you can give to victims of abuse for developing and maintaining healthy love relationships?

Joy: Oh, that's a tricky question! I jokingly tell people the key to a successful marriage is to simply stay married. Don't throw in the towel. But, I also have to acknowledge the grace of God. It is just His grace that allowed our marriage to be successful. There is no other answer for this question . . . the amazing grace of God! My husband says it is all due to his adorable, magnetic personality! I have another article coming up soon that will deal more with this topic in detail, so I don't want to spill the beans before the article is published! How is that for a "teaser"?

Dr. M: In your AC article, Heart to Heart, you share a very personal story about learning that your son had been sexually abused by your father. This story ends on a positive note however, which is that of forgiveness. How important is forgiveness for victims of abuse?

Joy: Forgiveness is the key to recovery, no question about that. However, forgiveness does not come quickly or easily for most of us. We will battle this again and again. Forgiveness is an ongoing process and not a one-time event. I still have days where I feel the need to forgive. I must say that forgiving my father for the abuse of my son was much more difficult than forgiving him for what he did to me. Human nature wants that pound of flesh and giving that up is a real struggle. (See Joy's Poem, Unthinkable, which tackles the topic of sexual abuse recovery).

Dr. M: Both of your parents are now deceased, and based on your March 15, 2008 blog entry on Healing Stream for Survivors entitled "Where Was Your Mother?", both of them seem to have died without expressing any real remorse for your sexual abuse. Although your mother was not the one who sexually abused you, she knew that the abuse was taking place and did nothing to intervene. How did your parents' death and the fact that they died without reconciling their relationships with you impact your healing process?

Joy: My healing process did not even begin until after my father died, although I did make an attempt at forgiveness while he was living. My dad was not a Christian and never attended church. Nearing the end of his life, he accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior and would weep openly as he talked about his personal encounter with God. I can't tell you how much that meant to me! I had prayed for his salvation for years and God answered my prayers.

My mother, on the other hand, was a regular churchgoer and brought up all five of her children in the church. That was no small task! Today I am the only one of the five children who attends church. I had the opportunity to thank my mother for taking me to church so I could come to know Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. She said I was the only one of the kids who ever thanked her. She lived for God as much as she could, but towards the end of her life, she became very bitter. I had a strong desire for her to acknowledge my abuse and the fact that I had been damaged. I craved a close relationship with a mother who would nurture me and tell me that she was sorry for not protecting me. That never happened.

As I continued with the recovery process, it became apparent that I needed to turn loose of my desire for her acceptance and acknowledgment. The death of that desire did not come easily. I really wanted her to talk to me about the abuse, and acknowledge to my brothers that the abuse truly happened. She refused to even talk to me about it and told my brothers that I was a liar. That was very painful. Again, forgiveness and belief in a God of justice freed me from the desire. When my mother passed away, it was more of a relief to me than anything. I did not even shed a tear; I had simply cried all those tears before her passing.

Dr. M: In "Where Was Your Mother?", you noted that your mother saw herself as a victim. You on the other hand, have described yourself not as a victim but as a survivor. In your opinion, what factors account for the difference in viewpoints and what can one gain from choosing the latter identity?

Joy: I saw firsthand in my mother what remaining trapped in victimization could do to a person. My mother was a very bitter and angry woman. She held on to her pain, determined to carry it to her grave. In the process, she destroyed her health, her life, and the relationships within the family. Victims demand that others meet their needs and will settle for nothing less. Surviving means we can turn loose of those unmet needs and move on in life, looking for the good in people instead of demanding that they do something to make us feel better. Actually, today, I see myself more as an "overcomer" than a survivor. I think that moves us to another level of surviving and again, that is the grace of God at work in us.

Dr. M: In the past, you've written about the importance of support in the healing process for survivors of abuse. Support groups where individuals can meet and talk face-to-face are one option, but how does the Internet fit into the equation? What kinds of support are out there in cyberspace for survivors of abuse?

Joy: I was in a support group for only 16 weeks and it was vital to my recovery process. However, since the recovery process is such a long one, I found a lot of much-needed information and help on the Internet. I was able to find other survivors who had experienced similar abuses and were actually writing about it and posting on the Internet. It took me a long time to reach the place where I could do that and feel comfortable about sharing my own story so openly. I still felt like I was doing something wrong by talking about my abuse. Writing on the Internet was an exercise in recovery for me and I suspect for many others who have done it. As we gain more freedom in telling our own story, we heal, and we help those survivors who are coming along after us to see clearly that recovery is a process. Not everything on the Internet is sound, but if you search diligently, you can find some really great resources.

Dr. M: Writing is a definite strength of yours. I would even go as far as saying it is your ministry. Please share with the AC community what some of your achievements in writing have been and what your future plans are in this area.

Joy: I was privileged to contribute to a book for survivors called, Just before Dawn: Hope for Those Who Walk through the Nighttime of Abuse and Its Devastating Aftermath by my good friend, Pamela Perez. This book is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Other than that, I have mostly used my articles and poems on my blog and in recovery groups that I helped to co-lead. Now, of course, I'm posting on AC. I consider my writing to be a ministry. My heart's desire is to provide hope and encouragement to other abuse survivors. There is only one way for me to answer the question about future plans. I promised God that any door He opens before me, I will walk through. And, yes, that still scares the bejeebers out of me! My family members are completely unaware of my writing and involvement in abuse recovery. They choose to keep things quiet, covered up and never speak of it. No one knows I write on AC or that I have a blog. If I should ever be discovered by family members, I believe I am strong enough to take the heat and deal with it now, but I'm not going to "invite" trouble. Too bad though, because I sure could use the additional page views!

Dr. M: You are more than just a survivor of sexual abuse. Share with us a few interesting facts about Joy that will help readers get to know you - the whole person - a little better.

Joy: I grew up in the Midwest, the only daughter in a family of five children and, of course, I was a tomboy. I loved to climb trees, play softball, ride bicycles and play with the toys my brothers received for Christmas. I truly did not enjoy being a girl. Once I started dating, the boys had to "prove" themselves; I didn't give them any slack. I was 5'2" of trouble! If we bowled or did any type of competitive sport, I usually beat them soundly. They had to be pretty secure in themselves as a "man" in order to survive!

Once I met the man that I married, I knew in my heart that he was the one. We were good friends for 7 years before we were engaged. I simply cannot imagine life without him, although I know it is likely that one of us will have to learn how to live without the other at some point. I love to cook and my husband loves to eat, so that works well for both of us. I also love to read and crochet. Crocheting is something I took up about a year ago and I love it. It is another avenue of creativity for me.

I have two grown sons who are just a delight and I am so very proud of the young men they have become! We also have a 10-year-old granddaughter, who I'm spoiling as much as possible! I love life and I love to laugh. My husband tells me that my laugh is so much more free than it used to be. We have lived in the Midwest, in the Deep South and now in the not-so-deep South. Moving and meeting new people has been a real hoot! Sometimes I worry about not having any deep roots, but then I realize that my roots are in people I love and not in the geographical location.

I will be celebrating my 62nd birthday this summer and I am still 5'2" of trouble! I enjoy watching TV and some of my favorite programs are NCIS, Army Wives, and Bobby Flay's Throwdown on the Food Network. One of my favorite things to do is sit on our covered back deck, sipping a fresh cup of coffee while reading my Bible. I enjoy taking a coffee break with God. I love to watch the birds each morning as they come to the feeders and I enjoy the beauty of nature all around me. This is where I am able to relax and enjoy God's presence and to be inspired to write more articles and poems and to pray for God to use me to encourage others. It is where I discover His perfect will for my life for today.