An Insomniac's Journal: What It's Really Like

Have you ever had a night where you just could not fall asleep? Well, imagine having that condition every night and, when you finally do fall asleep, not being able to sleep for more than three hours at a time. I actually go through this battle every night, and believe it or not, insomnia to me, is more than not being able to fall asleep. The sensations, thoughts, and other feelings that race through your body all make you realize just why you can not fall asleep. Here is my story:

Normally, I try to go to bed before midnight. Now, grant it, I already know I am not going to fall asleep like magic, as I have to get out of bed several times within the next twenty minutes to use the restroom, but since I tend to be very thirsty throughout the day, I blame that one on myself. By now the clock is reading 12:35 and I am finally settling into my bed for what I hope will be until the alarm goes off at 5:00.

As I lie in bed, I sit there thinking "What am I doing trying to sleep? If I can't fall asleep, I need to quit wasting time and get up to start on my work." Yes, my work means a lot to me, as I am just waiting for my "big break" a.k.a. "paying gig," as a freelance writer. By 1:15 if I am still awake, which is 95% of the time, I hop on the computer and develop my writing portfolio some more. By now, I have attempted to fall asleep, however, sometimes I either think about what needs to be done, stare at the wall with huge, open eyes, or literally feel my whole body shaking inside of me. This really tends to happen a lot, as I feel really jittery inside, my legs kick like a scuba diver, and even sometimes, I can hear my heart beating inside of my ear on the pillow. Thankfully though, that is only usually when I have a severe ear infection I tend to hear that noise.

At the computer, I jump on all of the writer's forums. I am lucky that I have a steady four hour Internet connection, as the time will expire when it is time to get my husband up and ready for work. I am able to write two, maybe three articles, but around 4:00 I am beginning to have sore fingers and tired eyes. Going to sleep would seem like a good idea, but, at 4:45 I have to get someone who counts on me to do my job, ready for the start of his ever-important job.

By 5:30 my tasks are over, and I try to go to sleep. Unfortunately, I still feel so "wound up" inside that it takes me until 7:00 to fall asleep. A few hours later, anywhere between 9:30 and 11:00, I am up and ready to start my day again. While I know this is no life, I think a vast majority of this problem can be solved if I ever find the right outlet to accept me as a writer, and a writer who is paid. Then, while I still will have to work hard, I won't have to work twice as hard like I am doing now. Oh well, until then my insomnia journey continues.