An Interview with AC's TheBarefoot

Many of you will recognize this interviewee, I'm sure. TheBarefoot is quite popular (some might say notorious) on AC for his forum comments, funny and well-thought-out articles, and highly recognizable avatar. Having been interviewed on Associated Content three times before, you might say there are no more questions left to ask. Not true! Read on for some deeper insight into theBarefoot...

Eric Pudalov: Are you just jealous because the voices are talking to me?

theBarefoot: We all have that small, still voice inside us, but yes, I'm jealous. You got the sexy, smokey-throated chick from the bar and I drew the barking dog who keeps telling me to burn down my neighbor's shed because he never returned my hammer. It's really hard to hold a conversation with Sparky.

I've tried looking within and discussing philosophy and religion with the mutt, but he just wants to talk about milk bones, chasing cats, and corpse disposal. The only comfort is I've developed the ability to visualize a roll-up newspaper and smack him on the nose. It's the only way I stay sane, but some days, it's just not worth it. The best part is Sparky always knows where I left my lighter or where to find matches. That's pretty handy.

EP: Do you ever read the fine print on CD covers? What insight did you gain?

TB: Yes. The most important information is found in the fine print of CD covers. The most important thing I've learned is the FBI takes itself way too seriously. The wording of those copyright notices get you paranoid that there are black helicopters hovering over your house. The joke's on them. I have yet to be able to open the damned shrink wrap on a CD, so there is no way I've ever copied one.

EP: What does the phrase "wear song as tribrach" mean to you?

TB: Wow! You've really done your research. That is part of one of my life credos; "Life is no better than when you wear a song as a tribrach." It's one of those maxims that gets me through every day. It's part of my daily morning affirmation, almost a prayer. Its deepest meanings are only found once you've accepted Bob into your brain.

EP: You are writing your autobiography. Give me a sample from page 243.

TB: I think it was the book I was born to write. The proofs from the publisher have page 243 as "This page intentionally left blank." I think that is the essence of the book and the theme of my life.

EP: How many indie bands have crashed at your house?

TB: One. My daughter convinced them to do a small concert here in town. She also told them I wouldn't mind them staying the night. As it happened, Hurricane Hugo blew through the next day and they were stranded for another night. We played lots of Scrabble and drank lots of beer. The band, Trouble Hubble, has since disbanded. Some of the guys are currently in a new band, Kid You'll Move Mountains. They sent me an advanced copy of their upcoming CD and I'm currently writing a review. It's a great first effort.

EP: If you were a rapper or a slam poet, what would be your stage name? (other than theBarefoot)

TB: It was Ma'leek "The Tooth" Shabaz. My trademark was a big gold tooth with a diamond in it. Like most rappers, I hired my friends and family to be my posse. Being the scrawny Irish people we are, most were killed trying to set up the amplifiers for a show. The stack collapsed, crushing more than half my family, but I wrote through the pain and recorded a platinum CD from the tragedy. Fortunately, it was my farewell album.

EP: Have you ever used oven cleaner to shampoo your hair?

TB: No, but I once accidentally grabbed a handful of dog biscuits and ate them as a late night snack. I can't stress how important it is to turn the lights on when you get the late-night munchies.

EP: Have you ever encountered your Doppelganger?

TB: Once. I turned a street corner and ran into him. It took 30 minutes of vomiting at the hideous visage before I realized the dude looked exactly like me. We became the best of friends until that night we decided the world was only big enough for one of us. The police classified it as the only single-victim murder/suicide on record.

EP: If you got fired from a job because they said your personality was weird, how would you respond?

TB: Probably in one of the same ways I responded the first nine times it happened. The store intercom flounce and bounce is always a benign option. I've used that twice. It really depends on the circumstances. The only time I used the 'it's good to be watching this fire from the parking lot' option was when the manager who fired me had a comb-over. I really, really hate people with comb-overs.

EP: What are some fun things to do in an elevator?

TB: Be the last one on and don't turn to face the door. I like to do this because it fascinates people when I am able to recognize my floor without watching the numbers. I attribute this ability to my heightened sense of awareness and my genetic ability to count beeps and bells. In general, just talking to people in the elevator is fun. It really freaks them out. People treat elevators like they exist outside normal time-space and have their own set of rules. It's fun to break those.

EP: If you encountered a monster in a wheelchair, would you help him?

TB: Yeah, you have to feel a little sad for a monster in a wheelchair. Think about it. He's past his prime or had his spine damaged by being thrown against a skyscraper once too often. The poor guy's self esteem is wrecked. After years of crushing cities and scattering the population of Tokyo, he's confined to a wheelchair where the most terrifying thing he can do is throw Jello around the nursing home cafeteria on Thursdays. If I ever meet a monster in a wheelchair, I'll swap cell-phone numbers with him so we could text each other and become BFFs.

EP: In the song 'Love Rollercoaster' by the Ohio Players, do you think there really is a murdered woman screaming in the background?

TB: Um...no...where would you get an idea like that? That's an urban legend. I was in Cleveland visiting my sick uncle at the time it was recorded. Where do people come up with this stuff? Coincidentally, there is no butcher knife hidden in the recording studio's ventilation system...honestly.

EP: OK, serious question. Why did you choose J.R. 'Bob' Dobbs as your avatar?

TB: Two reasons. One, everyone should accept Bob into their brain. I'm doing my small part to spread the message of the Church of the Subgenius, the only church that pays its taxes. We're not like those Scientology wimps who are always trying to get out of paying their fair share. Bobbites understand the concept of throwing Uncle Sam a crumb to keep the government off our backs. Secondly, I bear a striking resemblance to Bob, pipe included, so using Bob as my avatar is a lot less cheesy than one of those bathroom mirror self portraits taken with a cell phone that the Emo kids are so fond of.

EP: And finally, what is the secret of the universe?

TB: The secret of the universe is...there is no secret. It's all right there waiting to be discovered. Nothing is hidden. It's just really, really, really far away. So far away, that even squinting can't reveal it. It's not that the universe is secretive. It's just really big and it will take us a while to see it all. Just a word of warning though. Don't fall for those 'See the Universe' travel packages they're selling at the travel agency. Travel agents have no concept of time and space. They are the only people on the planet who can not grasp how absolutely mind-boggling the universe is. Seeing the universe is not like a two-week holiday to Italy.

And there you have it, folks. The deepest thoughts of theBarefoot, as only he can tell them. I can only hope you enjoyed this at least half as much as I did. For further inquiries, I direct you to his page.