An Interview with Moses the American Pit Bull Terrier

TF: Thanks for taking time out of your schedule to answer a few questions.
Moses: You're welcome. It was really difficult to squeeze this interview in. I had to cancel one of my naps.

TF: Well, speaking of schedules, what is your typical day like?
Moses: I get up at the crack of noon, go outside and take a whiz, then I crawl into the lazyboy and take a nap for four hours or so. When I wake up, I get something to eat...typically dry kibble unless Rowdy the cat has managed to kill and defeather any birds. Then I take a nap for about four hours while I wait for you and Ma to come home.

TF: I hear through the grapevine that some of those naps occur in the new bay window I built in the home office.
Moses: Ummm...no comment.

TF: What is your idea of fun?
Moses: Well, contrary to popular myth, I'm a lover, not a fighter. Some people think that Pit Bulls are all about fighting. While I'm capable of protecting my home and family, I've never instigated a fight with anyone or anything. My idea of fun is retrieving that rubber bone you throw across the yard for me.

TF: That game is awfully repetitive. Don't you ever get tired of it?
Moses: Hey, when you don't have thumbs, you take all the help you can get. It's about ten minutes a week. You don't throw it enough for me to get tired of it.

TF: Do you have any kids?
Moses: Not funny. You know what you had that vet do to me. Be glad that thing about Pit Bulls turning on their owners is a myth!

TF: How well do you get along with the other animals in the house?
Moses: Well, Kolby, my chow and Australian shepherd mix bro, and I do fine most of the time. He's an old grouch, and he growls and barks a lot, but it doesn't bother me. It's all show. Bella the American Mastiff is an idiot. She's fun to wrestle with, but she's got the I.Q. of a plastic spoon. I think "Aggie Rockhead" would be a more applicable breed name for her than "American Mastiff". Rowdy the cat used to be fun, but she's become a recluse lately because she's scared of Bella for some reason.

TF: And what about Jazz, the Cockateil?
Moses: That screaming thing has a name? I thought that was livestock you had left over from your plan to sustain a meat source after Y2K.

TF: If you could go anywhere in the world on a vacation, where would you go and what would you do?
Moses: I'd go to the store with the car windows rolled down and my head hanging out.

TF: You do that once a week or so anyway...
Moses: Hey, it's my favorite thing. I lead a charmed life.

TF: Okay, so vacations are wasted on you. What else do you like to do?
Moses: Take a nap.

TF: Really? That's it?
Moses: No, I mean, go away, I want to take a nap.

TF: Are you forgetting who is the pack leader here? I get to say when this interview is over...
Moses: Snooore...