An Odd Three Days

Up until a week ago, Bobby Bartholomew Appleton had led a life full of bad luck, so bad that he could in fact claim that he had the worst luck in the world and his friends would have an extremely hard time proving him otherwise. For example, once he had gotten lost on the way to his grandmother's house because the directions "over the hills and through the woods" weren't descriptive enough. He had heard countless excuses from potential more-than-just-friends of the opposite sex explaining why they couldn't go out with him, such as the 14-year-old girl he liked as an eighth grader who claimed her parents wouldn't let her date until she was 16 but who also ended up with a boyfriend two weeks later. And when a person would claim he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn, he and three college friends who could say they'd actually seen him walk right into the side of a barn. Yes, bad luck it had to be.

So anyway, here was Bobby, 28 years old now, fresh out of grad school (which had taken him six years to complete because the graduation requirements changed part way through and he was forced to in essence start almost completely over) and giving up on the hope that his life would ever turn good for thirty years to balance out the stretch of tragedy that had become him. But through it all, the weirdest three days of his life had yet to come to this 5' 11" dirty blonde with decent looks and a body not to be totally ashamed of, and they started on a Wednesday with a nice clean shave and a morning shower.

After a hustled breakfast and a quick brush of the teeth, he left his second floor apartment, number 109, and walked down the stairs to discover the dog of the new girl in the apartment using his Toyota's tire as a urine depository. Thus, he met the second person who would play a crucial role in the bizarre days ahead of him, the equally-aged, beautiful brunette by the name of Sandy Sauderman. An apology from her and a "don't worry, it's just an old beater" from him launched them into a ten minute conversation about how she had found the place, what she did, a few other random things mostly about her, and of course a couple introductions so as not to forget names. All these details are unimportant except for the fact that the two seemed to take a keen interest in each other, and she was a veterinarian, for no other reason than she wanted to help sick animals. Then, Bobby insisted that he really must go or he'd be late, and he didn't want that because he had only held the job for five and a half weeks. Of course, she completely understood and after he promised her a welcome-to-the-complex dinner that night, both went on their ways feeling rather joyous at how the morning had begun.

However, in addition to that feeling of actually having a decent morning, Bobby was also coupled with the stress of trying to get to work now reasonably on time. It was this light-hearted, almost lucky, and hurried mood that caused him to make the rash decision to run a red light across one of the busiest roads in town. Not only did he fail to make the light, the trucker coming the other direction thought he had timed the light just right and happened to be taking a large drink of his Big Gulp when his 18,000-pound vehicle hit the side of Bobby's old Toyota. The last thing Bobby noticed about the truck, after spinning three or four times and coming to rest in the middle of the intersection, was seeing the bumper sticker that said "I brake for nobody" right next to the number to call and say how the trucker was driving. But all Bobby could remember of that was 1-800 because he realized at that point that he was pinned, which to him took more precedent than a telephone number.

Three hours later, after an ambulance, a fire truck, and four or five policemen had shown up and cut him free from the vehicle, Bobby sat up on a hospital bed with his left arm in a cast waiting for the doctor to return. When that moment came, the doctor briefed him (in every sense of the word, taking exactly 56 seconds) on how he was free to go because he had no concussion nor did he lose consciousness; his arm would be basically useless for three months or so, but besides that since the trucker was only traveling about thirty miles an hour upon collision, Bobby had suffered no other injuries that would require him to stay; and all in the same sentence, the doctor told him he was a lucky man, to which the response was "I wish."

An awful cab ride later, during which the vehicle smelled like its last occupant had used the backseat as a pet would a newspaper and the driver would not for the love of all that is good and holy shut up, Bobby was sitting in his apartment talking to the one person he absolutely loved to talk to the most: his lawyer. As he made his way out to the balcony to continue his conversation in the waning light of the afternoon, Sandy Sauderman (who was on her back porch watering the flowers) looked over, noticed the cast, and let out an "Oh my God!" To this shout, Bobby quickly turned and smacked his cast against the side of the building, thus also causing him to drop the phone as his right hand went to the aid of his injured arm. In synchronous Sandy and Bobby shouted "I'll get it" and set off to retrieve the phone that had fallen onto the lawn at the back of the complex. Also at the same time, they reached the phone and each laid a hand on it. After a brief spurt of embarrassment, they each took their hands off the phone, causing it to drop again and result in more embarrassment. Finally, after a laugh, Bobby picked up the phone and told Sandy he'd tell her all about his day's experience over that dinner he'd promised her.

Due to the events of the day, Bobby decided (being a decent cook after ten years in college) that the best thing to do was provide a home-cooked meal for Sandy. However, wearing the cast, ten minutes into the preparation, he was forced to employ her to do any work requiring more than one arm. This turned out though to be rather a blessing, as the two spoke of interests, times past, and even (to his great surprise) came extremely close if not overstepping into that area that others would call flirting. This conversation continued through the meal and afterwards, when they decided that the night should not end without dessert. Somehow in the scheme of things, Bobby managed to actually burn the ice cream and they were forced to leave the complex and seek their sugary desires elsewhere.

As they sat at the local creamy, their conversation finally reached that awkward place where people begin to talk about each others' past relations with the opposite gender. Sandy seemed to talk at great length about her 16-year dating career to the point where not only was Bobby beginning to wonder if he would be allowed to retort but was absolutely embarrassed that all his stories were about the tragic chases and never the actual benefits. Finally, she asked him about his sex life, and after a sudden choking on his words, the owner said she was closing up for the night and ushered them out the door. Bobby answered the question honestly but not in entirety, and was spared by the facts that Sandy had to pay attention to the road and it what only a five minute drive back to the complex. The two laughed and joked about his relationships or lack thereof all the way to his door, at which point Sandy said she didn't care what all those other girls thought, she thought he was cute and a great conversationalist. That therefore inspired her to kiss him-once on the cheek, then after a brief three seconds, in for the real thing. Unfortunately in this instance, practice makes perfect, and she broke away saying they'd have to work on that and goodnight.

Bobby was so bewildered at the events of the day, that he completely forgot to change out of his nice khakis and collared shirt before getting into a cold shower. He was however immediately brought out of la-la land buy the cold water and went to bed wondering what great things awaited him with Sandy, if any, in the future.

Thursday morning should have begun for Bobby at 7:30 a.m. when his alarm had been programmed to go off. However, due to the defect in the product that requires the sleeper to turn on the alarm before he or she goes to bed, the first thing Bobby noticed when his eyelids lifted were the bright green digits of 11:26. As soon as his weary mind comprehended what this meant, he literally jumped up and in trying to push himself out of the bed was reminded that he couldn't use his left arm for propulsion, and thus fell on top of it to the floor. By 11:43, Bobby was rushing to the bus stop and by 11:45 he was on the number 14 to downtown.

At one stop, an old lady in a wheelchair required assistance getting on, wasting another six minutes and four seconds, during which time, a man near the back of the bus decided to light a cigarette. As the bus jerked into motion once again, the butt dropped out of his mouth and sat on the upholstery just long enough to start a fire. However, as he got up to exit the bus, he failed to notice the small inferno. But Bobby certainly noticed as soon as the fire nipped the bottom of his still untucked shirt. At that point, the entire bus erupted into great panic, and Bobby was sent to the hospital for the second time in as many days, this time with a minor burn.

At precisely 4:58 p.m., when a burned and beaten Bobby finally arrived at his place of work, the bank, he caught everyone's attention. As he placed his hand on the doorknob of his boss's office, he turned around to find all the people in the bank simply staring at him. Unlike most incidents in Bobby's life where as soon as he looked at a crowd everyone turned away, everyone here just continued staring. On that note, Bobby entered his boss's office, stated who he was and got a "you're fired" before the boss even looked up. When in fact the boss did look up, the precise words out of his mouth were "Holy shit, what happened to you?" Thus, Bobby launched into a one minute 38 second story that was cut short because of closing time. After unfiring Bobby, the boss suspended him for two weeks without pay, at which point Bobby realized the futility in going to school for ten years and coming out with a mathematics degree only to be a banker. Exactly 16.78 seconds after he was unfired, Bobby quit.

Though he was unable to drive, Bobby found his way to the flower store and bought a dozen carnations. From the flower store, it was fourteen blocks back to his apartment where hopefully awaited the intended recipient of these flowers. But somewhere in that fourteen blocks Bobby managed to be walking along right as a powerful sprinkler head opened up, targeted the flowers in his right hand, and let forth a barrage of water with uncanny accuracy. However, a few of the flowers remained unharmed until a sudden gust of wind picked up a few blocks later and blew many of the pedals off the stems. Just to top it off, when he was directly across the street from the apartment, standing above a muddy puddle left by a broken sprinkler head at his feet, a car whizzed past and splattered mud all over Bobby and his flowers.

When Sandy answered her door to find a wet, muddy Bobby with several flower pedals in his hair, her look said more than words ever could. Bobby simply handed her what was left the now brown flowers and explained that fourteen blocks ago they had been a beautiful pink and full of life exactly as she was. Under the circumstances, this compliment, though not very original and pretty cheesy, sufficed Sandy, and she told him to come over for dinner after he cleaned up. Bobby said the word "hug" in lieu of completing the action and went to his room, where he proceeded to shower. Then, in the process of dressing, he broke the zipper on his remaining nice pants and was forced to return to Sandy's in his only semi-clean pair of jeans.

After a fantastic lasagna dinner during which Bobby spoke of his misfortunes and after ice cream which Sandy decided was completely necessary to make his day better (which also Bobby had absolutely no part in serving), the two sat down on the couch to watch a funny movie (which was also insisted upon by Sandy so as to uplift Bobby's spirits). That night, they watched the entire movie seeing as it was their first one together, and when the movie ended, Bobby never went back to his room. And when finally Sandy fell asleep in his uncasted arm, Bobby came to the realization that just maybe there was a slight hope that things could turn out all right, what with a new girlfriend and a new career ahead of him. To this merry thought, he dozed off like a man on pain medication, which was all too true for Bobby.

Friday would change Bobby's way of thinking forever-from believing he had the worst luck in the world to nearly proving it outright. When he woke up at eight in the morning, it was to the sound of the shower. Being of the male gender and realizing that there was most likely a naked girl in that shower, Bobby fought every urge in his primal nature to pull back the curtain and jump in because after two days he saw no way how to make it not feel awkward. However, also being unfamiliar with the layout of the apartment because unlike his it was on the corner, Bobby managed to find his way to the door of the bedroom and looked just in time to see the fully nude form of Sandy turning her head toward the door. Her first impulse was somewhat painful-a blood curdling scream and an attempt to shut the door, which refused to close on the first slam because somehow the cast over Bobby's left arm managed to find its way in between it and the frame.

At 8:45, after another bout of pain medication for Bobby and a shared breakfast, Bobby and Sandy were ready to depart one another for awhile. After a kiss goodbye, Sandy was off to treat the dog that had brought the two into conversation the second day previous. In a rush because she only had about fourteen minutes to get to work, Sandy forgot to lock her door, a fact that Bobby picked up on instantaneously. Thus, he struck a plot in his mind to throw her the perfect welcome-home-from-your-long-day-at-work surprise, and he vowed that he would stay out of the hospital the whole day. So after Bobby had showered, he thought of all the nice things he could do to Sandy's apartment: balloons, flowers, candles, etc. He also concocted the nicest dinner he could think of and spared no expense under the pretense that someday he would be richer than God, or at least the fat banker who had fired him the day previous. Thus, he set off.

To his utmost but contented shock, the day went off without a hitch, as he managed to gather foods similar to a Thanksgiving feast, her favorites. He even chanced the mall, where he collected all of the afore listed decorations and picked out a perfect present, one unique to any she had ever received. There was a moment in between the mall and the car at which the balloons almost flew away and the flowers almost succumbed to another windy attack, but neither event happened as they assuredly would have in the previous 28 years of his life. Surely, this night was to be a great one.

When Sandy came home with the puppy, she noticed that her door was already cracked. With the anticipation and slight discomfort at what lay inside, she creaked back the door to discover a living room full of streamers and balloons, a sight which alleviated almost any fear of there being an unwanted intruder in her residence. The puppy immediately pounced upon any decorations that lay close to the floor while Sandy rounded the corner to discover two vases full of pink, red, and white roses sitting on the table. So completely off-guard she became that when Bobby came up behind her with a present and started to speak, she turned around and accidentally jabbed him in the groin. Fortunately for Bobby, the pain meds he was on took away most of the edge, but it took quite a bit of insisting to get Sandy to sit and eat dinner, which Bobby claimed had to be done before she could open the present. And so the two sat fairly quiet throughout the course of the meal.

The two did the dishes together at the completion of their feast and this time most definitely crossed into that flirtatious zone they had been dancing near the previous two nights. And for dessert, Bobby served up an ice cream cake, completely pre-made and uncharred. This they of course ate while they watched the best movie each claimed they had ever seen, and by the time the film was over, they had almost completely forgotten about the present sitting on the kitchen table. The puppy, however, through his persistent urge to go outside reminded Bobby to give Sandy the present, which she could open while he was with the dog. Of course once outside, the dog had to spend fifteen minutes prancing around trying to find just the right place to do his business.

Whatever was contained in that package (which was actually a necklace with three figurines hanging from it: a person, a dog, and a cat) could one day go down as one of the most monumental gifts in terms of immediate payoff. Not was Bobby in the door but eight seconds, just long enough to take off his coat, than Sandy was, to put it nicely, all over him. As the gas-fueled blaze flickered in the fireplace, the two found their way into the bedroom and quickly started peeling off each others' clothes. Bobby was absolutely convinced that this moment was the turning point in his life, had it not been for the puppy, who decided to come up and lick various parts of their bodies as they became exposed. Once or twice, Bobby thought about kicking the little creature across the room not because he hated animals, but because he got sick of having his toes bitten at in the heat of this moment, even in the presence of a veterinarian. Sandy took charge and shoved the puppy gently but firmly out of the room before shutting the door, and then returned to the bed where the more than obvious occurred.

Fifteen minutes later, Bobby was lying there holding Sandy in his uncasted arm thinking that this was where his tale was to end, that this was finally that good place he had always aspired to, that this was totally perfect and nothing would mess it up. He thought this way until Sandy's cell phone rang two minutes and 42 seconds after the couple had concluded their activities. The moment was short-lived as upon answering the phone, Sandy jumped out of bed, saying something about holding on a minute, and then getting off the phone, dressing in a flash, and throwing Bobby's clothes at him before smuggling him out the back. When asked what was going on, Sandy responded with "My parents are here!" and shoved him onto the balcony.

At this point, Bobby had two options: drop to the ground or jump from balcony to balcony. He chose a third option: jump to the next balcony and in failing to grab hold of it, fall to the ground. Fortunately, the ground was soft enough and once again his pain killers high enough that he only suffered temporary soreness. Once he could move again with ease, he made his way around the building to see Sandy's parents at her door. Once they had been admitted, he hurried up the stairs and entered what he believed to be his apartment but was in fact if he had paid attention, number 108. Planning to get dressed and figure out his course of action from there, upon entering the bedroom, he noticed a man and a woman for all other intents and purposes getting it on. They quickly noticed him too. After a couple screams, Bobby raced from the apartment with the man right at his heels, tripped over the bottom of the front door's frame and flew over the balcony railing to the pavement below, thus earning him a charming third trip to the hospital.

After he had been examined by almost every doctor imaginable, Sandy came to the hospital and would have kissed him had he not just gotten out of dental surgery to replace several teeth. Along with Sandy came her parents, introduced to him as Andy and Sally. A leg shake served as a wave and after beckoning to Sandy to hand him a piece of paper and a pen, wrote the words "I love you" despite his twice broken hand. Over the past three days, he had been to hell and back at least three times, and finally this was how he felt towards Sandy: "I love you."
***

Up until a week ago, Bobby Bartholomew Appleton had led a life full of bad luck, so bad that he could in fact claim that he had the worst luck in the world and his friends would have an extremely hard time proving him otherwise. Now, with a terrific girlfriend and rapidly recovering health, Bobby can hardly make a statement without at least some proof to the contrary. As soon as he can write again, he intends to submit his application to teach at the college he spent a third of his life at. Things are going great with Sandy and at this rate they'll be engaged by next Tuesday with a wedding about a month down the road. They will still have to wait the standard gestation period of nine months for a child, but hey, some of the best things in life are worth waiting for. After all, Bobby waited over 28 years for his luck to turn, and now that he's over that hump, see how he is rewarded.