An Open Christmas Newsletter to All My Friends

Another amazing year has come and gone, and thanks to God's glory, I am still as spry and ornery as ever. So I thought I would share the details of the past year with all of my dear friends...and with you too (ha, ha, ha, just kidding!).

The year began the same way it has each of the last 25 years: The Mrs. and I drove down to Kentucky and woke up New Year's morning dazed and confused in a motel room naked-except for black leather hoods and boots-with a bunch of people we don't know. I'm assuming we had a good time, but considering neither of us has been able to pee without extreme discomfort since then, we are thinking maybe we'll try something different this New Year's Eve.

After a cold winter, we flew to Cancun for spring break mainly because everyone kept saying, "You gotta go to Cancun-you gotta go to Cancun!" Imagine our surprise when we discovered Cancun was in yet another country completely overrun by Mexicans. I mean if I wanted to be in a place where everybody speaks Mexican, I'd have stayed home!

Despite all that, we did manage to have a good time in Cancun. It was great just relaxing, having a couple drinks, kicking back, and enjoying some nude sun-bathing. Oh, by the way, you'll be able to see me in this year's edition of "Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break 2009." I'm the one the hot looking, young blond is referring to as she screams, "Keep your fucking hands off my ass-you perverted old fart!" God I had a great time!

After reading an article this past summer on the growing epidemic of obesity in our country, the little woman and I decided to begin watching what we eat and to start getting more exercise. I learned quite a bit from that article. For instance, I didn't know that obesity is broken down into three sub-categories. One-quarter of those who are considered obese fall into the "pleasingly plump" category. One-quarter are considered "not so pleasingly plump," and half fall into the final category: "Holy shit, where did the sun go?"

While I'm on the subject of health, in October my doctor decided that I should have a number of screenings. After all, I'm not getting any younger, you know! First, he made me drop my pants and bend over before violating my nether regions with what he claimed was his finger. He called it a "prostate exam." As if that wasn't enough, he ordered a colonoscopy-did you know they stick that damn thing up your butt? I sure didn't! Apparently, when you get to be my age, doctors think it's a good idea to stick things up your ass.

You probably heard on the news that most of our kids were paroled this summer and have come back to live with us. We are, however, encouraged to hear that 68% of all released prisoners are rearrested within three years and that half of them return to prison, so there is hope.

I am disappointed to report that a few months ago, while in training to compete in the two-man luge in the upcoming Winter Olympics, my partner and I had a horrible accident during one of our practice runs. Obviously, the accident ended our dreams of competing in February. After several weeks of recovery, I'm doing much better, but wish the same could be said for my partner. It took nearly four hours of surgery to remove my testicles from his anus.

This month, I joined the Fraternal Order of Old Guys Who Wear Silly Hats and Drive Those Little Cars in Parades. The induction ceremony was one of the proudest moments of my life as I put my hand over my heart and took the oath to be "a good, loyal, and patriotic old guy who wears silly hats and drives those little cars in parades." Then, I was blindfolded and ordered to get on my hands and knees and squeal like a pig. Next, each member of the ruling council, including The Grand High Old Guy with the Silliest Hat, spanked me while reciting in pig-Latin verses from "The Official FOOGWWSHDTLC Handbook." The ceremony concluded with chanting, the slaughter of several live chickens, and the sacrifice of a virgin. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to finally be with people who have the very same interests I have.

And now here it is already-the end of 2009. Quite a year, wasn't it? The Mrs. and I hope that this letter finds all of you healthy and happy. God bless and have a great New Year!

And remember, if you're ever out our way, don't hesitate to give us a buzz. We have Caller ID.