An Open Letter to the Almighty Fantasy Football Commissioner

Finally, another fantasy football season is upon us-another year of cold beer, camaraderie, and throwing a brick through the computer when Tom Brady goes out on IR during the first game of the season. In order to make this year's league a success, I'd like to offer the following words of wisdom. These words separate the men from the boys, the winners from the losers, and great fantasy commissioners from the ones who think they're God because they somehow found a way to sign up for a username and password and hit the "Create New League" button on ESPN.com. Without further ado:

1. Don't pause the live draft. Ever. For anybody. If your buddy Joe keeps getting kicked out of the live draft, he has nobody but himself to blame for buying mediocre to subpar internet service.

2. No draft do-overs. It's not my fault that you accidentally drafted Felix Jones instead of Drew Brees.

3. Watching your best friend dump Larry Fitzgerald at 4:07am and then you picking him up at 4:09am is a bit shady.

4. It's also shady to watch you two trade Michael Turner for some guy on IR with a broken collarbone.

5. Your league doesn't give points for a kickoff return touchdown? Really?

6. Pay me my winnings on time. I don't need any excuses about getting your car fixed.

7. Smack talk should never be censored. If you can't handle the smack talk, go find some Barbies to play with.

8. Unless she understands football, we don't want to play with your girlfriend. Comments like "I drafted Tom Brady because he's handsome!" stopped being cute after the 10^th grade.

I want this league to be a success just as much as you do. In fact, I want this league to be a success even more than you do so I can use my winnings to pay for my new boat. Follow these words of advice, dear commissioner, and you'll go down in history as one of the great ones. See you on the turf.

Deeply Yours,

EastTownFootballaz99