An Open Letter from the Children of Malawi to Madonna

We write this letter to ask you to please stop the adoption of one Malawi child and to please take back your pledge to give three million dollars to our nation's orphanages. We write this because a soldier from the regime is pointing an American-manufactured machine gun at us, but that supposedly does not mean are not sincere.

Frankly, we like living in a malaria-infested hellhole, which doubles as a war zone on bad days. We are okay with the fact that half of us will die of AIDS. The poverty and starvation is okay, too, and we would all rather have this lifestyle than live in the suburban cesspool of Southern California or the moral abyss known as London, where we hear you and your adopted child will be living in between touring the vile filth known as the rest of the world. Our life expectancy might only be 42 years old, but let's face it, if we spent time in London, New York, or Hollywood, we'd take up shooting heroin with "the boys" and we'd probably drop dead by 45 anyway. We would rather ingest obscure protozoa and hepatitis-infested blood than drink London city water. We have heard stories. Moreover, yes, our "President" is better than Tony Blair, Arnie Schwarzenegger, or G.W.

Our government wishes us to remind you at this point that all kinds of human rights groups have come out strongly against this adoption, from the Malawian Governmental Civil Liberties Committee to the Malawian Governmental Child Rights Group Eye of the Child. Hey, come to think of it, they're all from the Malawi government. Okay, one of the children was just shot...

We're supposed to remind you at this point that the Malawi government did approve the adoption because it is democratic and free and provides its citizens with the same freedom afforded western countries.

Have we mentioned yet that our new national song ripped off the chords from "I Remember?"

Anyway, do you hear those adoption groups who are angry with you for bringing a starving child into your home at the request of his father? They are saying that cross-cultural adoptions cause the child to be alienated. Always. In fact, our governmental sources are telling us that cross-cultural adoptions are the only known source of alienation. Other children never feel isolated or lonely or without purpose in the world. Other people who aren't the victims of cruel starvation-to-well-fed adoptions NEVER suffer from identity crises.

We also ask you to please overlook the fact that all the people shouting at you to keep the child in its own culture are the same ones who have been preaching multiculturalism for the last forty years while giving scholarships to innumerable foreigners, ripping off foreign cultures, impressing American culture onto other countries by advocating free trade, and routinely sending troops overseas. Never mind that the same people yelling at you for removing a child from its "home culture" have peed all over the concept of "home cultures" at least a thousand times themselves without a flinch.

In fact, overlook that 80% of Malawi is actually Christian, and our Constitution - when enforced - is based on American democratic values and English common law. Another orphan just died of starvation.

What we are most upset about is the fact that you, Oprah, and that Angelina Jolie bitch have shined the global spotlight on the poverty-stricken, disease-ridden nations of Sub-Saharan Africa. People are actually starting to talk about why Africa is a barren wasteland and what they can do to help raise awareness on issues like AIDS and poverty. Usually when our countries make the news it is because we're killing a bunch of people and your media types want to tell your rich people not to come. Other than that, it's Sally Struthers talking to rail-thin Kenyans, and THAT'S THE WAY WE LIKE IT!

Now, between you three wicked witches and that George Clooney asshole with his talks about Darfur, there might be more celebrities and rich folk focusing on our continent instead of others, like the poor penguins of Antarctica. Pretty soon, they might figure out that the money they've been donating in the past throughout Africa is being siphoned through bureaucratic corruption and never reaches the people it's supposed to help. Between Miss Jolie making movies about Africa, and the rest of you making visits, the pandemic problems of Africa might actually be exposed. You pieces of turtle dung. We liked it better when our nation was an obscurity buried behind 167 other countries in the muddled minds of your vapid people. Now we're at the fore. Thanks for nothing, jerkfaces.

In conclusion, stay away from our country and put our impoverished, diseased culture back into the background. America and Britain are for soulless white people. Malawians belong in Malawi to starve and die, even if 50% of our nation is under sixteen and there's no way we can have a sustainable society like that. There are Americans in need of adopting. Why don't you use your power and influence to leapfrog the throngs of people on the adoption list to get your prized baby there, huh? Why come here with your love and attention and try to make a difference in something beyond yourself and your child? Why have your past three albums been mostly filler? Why don't you...

The last child just died of some weird infectious disease while dictating the letter. Seriously, people, give Madonna a break. She's given a sizable percent of her income to Malawi while giving a child a good home who needs one. What have you done? As much as I can't stand Madonna, there is nothing wrong with what she is doing. Nothing. Even it's something of a "fad," isn't helping Africa a much better fad than ANYTHING that's been fashionable in Hollywood the last, oh, 50 years? Give her a break and focus on something more important than celebrity-bashing.