An Open Letter to Morning People

Dear Morning People,

This is a letter from the rest of us, those who don't wake up full of energy. Those who aren't full of pep with a smile on our face and a song in our heart at 6:30 every morning. Those of us who would rather see the start of the workday pushed back to noon. We knowthatweare going to have to find a way to live together with you, so please take this letter in the spirit in which it is intended: that of guidance in an effort that the world should be a better place.

Firstly you have to realize that the one thing a non-morning person hates more than the actual mornings is a morning person. We know that you hold onto a belief that your energy and joy will be contagious and that you're brightening up our day by trying to engage us. You need to realize that the only reason you aren't forced to duck a coffee pot thrown at your head each and every morning is we simply don't have the coordination for an accurate thrown that early. There also seems to be a certain issue with you not always being able to recognize a non-morning person. Some of us are blunt enough that we'll just tell you this, however in some environments, such as the office, this is not appropriate. So please be on the look out for the following signs that you're dealing with a non-morning person.

Firstly does the person in question ever initiate verbal communication? If you are always the first one to give a greeting this is probably a sign. Next does the person in question go straight for coffee before attempting any manner of interaction? This one is a definite sign. Non-morning people need something to give them a jolt, not unlike jump starting a stubborn car. Also be aware that it may not be coffee: energy drinks, breakfast bars, sodas and even certain teas can point to the same need for a morning pick-me-up. Finally has the person ever actually said "Good morning" to you or have they settled on simply saying "Morning," refusing to acknowledge it as being a good thing? Before you answer that please think only of times when they said it first, because if you say "Good morning" first thing they may simply have repeated it back as an automatic response. Like a parrot, because that's about how highly we function first thing in the morning.

Now that you've identified the non-morning person we ask that you keep a minimum distance of fifteen feet and do not engage us during the morning hours unless we initiate contact. We know that you've failed to do this in the past, may have resulted in reaction ranging from dead stares to cave-man like grunts to full on murderous rage. You may have felt that the reaction of "Mr. Grouchy Pants" was uncalled for. Please realize that we do not want to wish evil things upon you, but you leave us little choice. We don't want to quietly mutter ancient curses upon your nether regions but unless you cease contact voluntarily there's just nothing else we can do.

While we try to subscribe to live and let live this is truly a case where it's best to stick with your own kind. Other morning people are easy to identify, they're the ones smiling without clenching their teeth at 8AM. Gravitate towards those who will share your enthusiasm for the new day and just steer clear of the rest of this. It's a simple enough request and by fulfilling that request it will ensure that the rest of us do not rise as one and slay you.

Sincerely,
Everybody Who Would Rather Be in Bed