An Open Letter To Time Magazine

You could have knocked me over with a memory stick when I found out, on Fox News of all places, that I had been chosen as "Person of the Year" for my contributions to internet content that, according to you, are helping to move control of information to individuals and away from institutions (that means magazines like you, right?).

But really. Thanks for the honor. And I mean that. Even though when someone wins a Nobel or a Pulitzer, they always tell NPR or whoever the story of how they heard. For example, the person would say that they got a call at two in the morning from Stockholm and thought it was a big joke. And just like those prizes, a personal phone call telling me about it would have been nice. No matter what the hour. But I understand that you're probably too busy dealing with the fallout from last year's choices, Bill and Melinda Gates and Bono, to have time for things like that.

Yeah. I can see why this year you'd go with timid, humble, yet still feisty little me, instead of the dozens of other people who make more money, get more media space, or perform selfless acts of greatness, usually in small, war-torn or famine-stricken countries. I understand that when you choose someone who is despised by half the world to put on that one, important cover in December, it probably requires a bunch of rancorous, hours-long meetings where everyone has a different opinion. And possibly, shoes are thrown. Staff members threaten to mutiny and the Board of Directors cower in fear anticipating the retributions, including loss of advertiser money and subscribers, for choosing such past winners as George W. Bush or the Ayatollah Khomeini.

Yes. I can understand why you'd pick me. The safe bet. The common choice.

But don't think me ungrateful. I can completely sympathize with how hard the decision must have been. I can picture your panel of distinguished, worldly editors sitting around that table, looking over the list of this years' candidates, including Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, all with their pros and cons. Any one of which would create so much controversy that half of your customer service department would quit in anticipation of fielding all those angry calls.

"Just give it to her," the Editor-in-Chief probably said, leaning back in his conference room chair at eight o'clock one evening.

So thank you. Truly. You have no idea what this will do for my likeability quotient, not to mention my clout on Associated Content or the hits this will generate on my blog. Before this, the only attention I could get when I went out on the town sans underpants was a ticket for creating a public nuisance.

OK, then. I'm sure you're really busy, so I'll let you go. Just tell me when the photo shoot will be, and I'll have hair and makeup people ready. And please, tell your readers that in lieu of flowers or gifts, to please make donations to the charities of their choice. Especially those that will bring the magic of the internet, including but not limited to porn and You Tube™, to those small, poverty-stricken countries that are starved for entertainment. Oh. And maybe some food, too.

I want to close by saying that I am so looking forward to my "Person of the Year" issue, including my certificate or trophy or whatever it is you guys give out for this.

I just hope it doesn't get lost in the mail.