An Opinion Paper on Self-Injury

Why do people use self-injury, in its many forms, as a way to cope with life? I ask this question myself on a daily basis, but more specifically, "Why I do have urges to cut when things get rough?" I cannot easily begin to answer it, but I can describe what I feel when I cut myself. I can also describe reactions people have had when I have told them the truth about my left hand as well as why I had to have surgery and occupational therapy on it.

It is embarrassing for me to know that I have scars because of injuries caused by my own two hands. I often feel guilty after I cut, and I do understand that this is a serious problem. I have told most people that I "got cut with a box cutter". What I neglect to say is that it had nothing to do with a box, but rather I was intentionally cutting my skin with a box cutter. At the time I did it, I felt numb all over, almost as though I was not real because I could not feel anything. I think I could relate closely to Pinocchio in his quest to be real. Unfortunately, there were no fairy godmothers, or crickets to keep me on the right track, I was on my own, and numb to everything. Was this a suicide attempt? No, I was cutting In order to feel something, anything beyond the numbness, just something to make myself see that I truly was "real". Did I do any lasting damage? Yes, as a direct result of my cutting, I now have nerve damage in my wrist, which causes numbness, tingling, and difficulty in straightening my pinky and ring finger on my left hand. Will I ever regain everything I lost in my left hand? Maybe, but there are no guarantees that I will regain 100% of my sense of touch, and ability to use those fingers. Do I still cut? Unfortunately yes, but not as frequent as I did before, nor do I cut as deep as I did up to the time I messed up my hand. I have to take each day as it comes, because for me to say I will never cut again is like an alcoholic saying they will never drink again. I can say it has been x number of hours, days, or weeks since I last cut. Though I have learned that claiming I will never cut again makes me feel even more guilty after I cut then I would had I never said I wouldn't ever do it again.

Like many others who use self-injury as a coping mechanism, I struggle with it a lot, and feel that it is almost addictive in nature. It was easier for me to decide not to drink excessive amounts of alcohol then it has been to stop cutting myself. Self-injury is probably more common then the public realizes. Especially since many of those involved in self-injury (SI) are often careful to hide their injuries, and will often go to great lengths to make sure nobody walks in on them while they are in an SI mode. There are some who will beat themselves, others pull their hair out, or even pick at scabs preventing a wound from healing, and then there are those who like me do what could be among the most dangerous methods - cutting. Like me, many self-injurers that I have spoken to over the years have come from broken homes, or suffered some form of abuse whether it is physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. We also tend to be perfectionists and sometimes resort to SI to "punish ourselves for failing to meet our own standards.

We are a group that not defined by age, education, income, race, or religious beliefs. We are male and female, and we are mothers, daughters, fathers, and sons. We are defined by our lack the appropriate skills to cope with life, that others have learned throughout their lives. Instead, we developed a silent way to control our worlds by inflicting pain on ourselves. We mutilate our body -- which is what we have in common with each other. Our reasons and circumstances may differ, but the resulting physical wounds become the visible symptom of our inner pain and turmoil becomes the "rope" that binds us together.

Do I feel that not learning coping skills from my parents excuses what I do? No, I do not because it is not the fault of my parents that I pick up a box cutter with the intent to harm myself. They are not holding a gun to my head and forcing me to do it. Yet, I still feel compelled by the horrors of my past, and struggles of the present to cut. I feel that I need to learn better coping skills, but first I must unlearn the lessons of my life so there is room for the new lessons to take over. It has been a long hard battle, one that may never end, but like others, I dream of the day I won't feel the need to cut myself or inflict any kind of wound or pain on myself.

Many respond to my tales of cutting with shock, speechlessness, dismay, or changing the subject, or even tell me how stupid I was. If I tell someone about my years of cutting it generally means that I feel as though I can trust them, or in this case, I'm just plain tired of staying silent for the convenience of society. I want to teach others what can happen if they do not communicate with their kids, or allow them to express emotions. Do I expect to change the world? Nope, just hoping to reach one person in my immediate world so they not only gain a better understanding of what self-injurers go through, and also so they can reach someone else in their world. Each person gains a little more understanding of those with self-injuring traits. In much the same way as the movie "Pay It Forward" portrays a 7^th grader who figures out a way to change the world by doing something big for 3 people. Each of these people pays it forward to three other people and so on.

Self-injury can be very dangerous, and those who involved in self-injury, often disguise themselves as average people living, working, and playing, just like everyone else. The only difference is that they are silently screaming for help in their own way. I feel that teaching our youth to express all their feelings and emotions, would be the first of hopefully many steps towards decreasing the likelihood of them becoming another statistic in the realm of self-injury.