An Otherwise Unpublished Diary Entry

so scared of putting everything into this endeavor and then being let down. really feeling like this is not to be in any way shape or form beneficial towards girl. No care towards her, no tenderness, no consistency, just because she is slave, and being true to herself. This girl isn't even worth the care one would show a vehicle. Very sad about this all, she is to maintain herself, and just perform, regardless of anything else, no matter what interference comes her way. This is so bad, things have never been this bad except when she was on her own. Then she had to maintain, but she did not have to perform. She has nobody to believe in now, no one to have faith in. How did it get like this? Why does cherish and apathy mean the same thing? And if they don't mean the same thing, what does 'cherish' mean to Master? And yes, she is going to keep trying, until she can't try any more. girl just needs a new framework and a new set of expectations, it's not right when she doesn't know what kind of world she's dropped into. She doesn't want this to fail, she wants this to work, but when she has to figure things out on her own, and go through changes by herself with nobody to lead her, that messes with her head. And then her world, finding out it doesn't care, is she supposed to care about herself when there is so much apathy? And only demandingness? Maybe she was only coddled before. But maybe that is what the little voice meant, that this would be 'it', and was she ready for 'it'? girl wants to think she is, because what happens if she's not? But yes, she thinks she understands a lot better now. She's slave to the complete unknown, and there is no planning, there is no security, there is no care, there is only apathy now, and darkness, and cold. Just perform and smile, don't think unless told to, and only until further notice... Truth hurts, but does she finally have it right, or is she still wrong? If there's no correction, all she can assume is that the conclusion she's come to is correct. And yes, girl knows Master cares, but just that girl remains his and not off elsewhere, wherever 'elsewhere' might be.