An Urgent Message to Islamic Extremists from Your Brothers, the Infidels!!!

I'd like to take a moment and ask every last one of you to put your feelings about the arguably pleasant side of animal torture and porn, the toddlers role in mystic blood rituals today, and, of course, lard as the international aphrodisiac of the overpopulated middle class, and just read every word of every last posting I've ever entered on this blog. Its a fair amount of reading and probably not worth the time you have already so generously given, but you can never know the unmitigated joy it will bring to millions of little children around this big blue marble of a planet we call home. Like little Filbert Wanesbuket, the boy with the clackey skull, or Maria Conchita Espinoza de Jesus en Margarita por Tequila con Aroze y Pollo Loco, the poor little girl with the... clackey skull and tingy kneecaps. Oh, the rapture they will experience just knowing that you have taken the time to help them with their... clackiness by reading the healing words of their surrogate brother twice removed. And of course if the spirit moves you, don't stop there. Read these timeless classics which have been voted America's favorite for the last four years in a row again, and again, and again.

Why? You might ask. Well, old friend, the main reason is that just reading these real life accounts of super human will and undying courage will make you flat out sexy to most members of the opposite sex. You will begin to have what most people will refer to as a professionally trained operatic voice with a vocal range that dwarfs the modern day masters like Pavarotti, Domingo, and the other guy. You will receive vast sums of spendable cash in your mailbox within 24 hours and your hair will never become greasy and sullied with that dreaded oily coating you can't explain to normal bathing members of society.

More than that, I personally guarantee that the President of the United States of America, the United Arab Emirate, the United Kingdom, United Airlines, United Artists, Johnny Unitas, and Unis Greely from Des Moines, Iowa, will all salute you at the 51st Annual Clacky Skull Awareness Telethon which is going to be held this year in fabulous North Platt Nebraska.

OK, ENOUGH!!!

Hey extremist followers of the Koran (you know who you are),

We've been having some fun at your expense. We(the infidels ) all had this bet going to see if you guys would read this far to get the stupid message , and well, sure enough, you bit into it- hook, line, and sinker. Actually, that's kinda the point we're getting at . Look, you guys have been suicide bombing our butts no end with the idea that you will get 72 vestal virgins when you reach heaven. The way you guys go around either raping, or dressing your chicks from head to toe in those formless black tarps you really don't ever get the chance to figure out that the last thing you want as a reward is to have to deal with 72 freakin' never had sex, don't know how to do the nasty, apprehensive , are you gonna call me in the morning neurotic virgins. Somebody sold you a bill of goods. And while we're at it, We have heard that a bunch of you have blown yourselves to mecca and beyond with the promise that your family would get something like $25,000.00 payment. Come on! The U.S. is offering something like $25,000,000.00 for the capture of Osama. He seems to be promoting the whole idea of dying for the cause. So, why don't you grab Bin Laden, pay his family , hell, $50,000.00 - double the going rate, let him strap a blasting cap to a plastique pile of crap, blow himself to the heavenly virgin's cotillion and beyond, satisfy his need for the death deed and put a cool $24,050,000.00 in your pockets or under your turbans, of inside your thobe, or dashiki or ... you get the point.

See you don't seem all that screwed up without all of the "everybody has to love our God only" crap. We'd (the infidels) like to take you out for a couple of beers, or Turkish coffees, or what? A Cinnebon or whatever, but every time we let our guard down and invite you over you get all guilt ridden or something and start trying to screw up the ride for the rest of us who are having a pretty good time .

Now again, while we're on the subject, sorta, would you leave the freaking' country of Israel the hell alone? What are there, a billion of you bearded, belly dancing, Bedouins out there? But you just can't be happy unless you are lobbing some damn bombs at what? a couple of twenty million or so matzo ballers. OK so maybe there are 40,000,000. Don't you just feel big and strong trying to take away forty miles of sand, albeit beach front from some people who barely number enough to keep their own language from becoming archaic. Big Bad Muslims. Look, if you will just forget about Israel and leave them alone to tote their Torah and play with dreidles, we can look into getting you some seriously valuable real estate on the other side of the play ground. Can you say Costa Rica? OK well maybe not but we can work it out. You have some brothers who be ownin' turf down in the south pacific. Take a break. Get away . Go to the Philippines. You'll love it . And remember leave the woman tarps back at home.

Check it out. If y'all can just relax, give a little, take a little, and start enjoying the ride with the rest of us we could get on with some serious considerations about things like anti-gravity, anti-matter propulsion systems. We could look for answers to questions like whether light is a particle or a wave, or why did Ryan Seacrest get chosen to host American Idol? Maybe we could get some kinda Arabic Ido....nevermind. The bottom line is Come on people now, smile on your brother. Every body (including you guys) get together start to love one another right now. Seriously. Or we can and will f*%k your s#!t up so bad you will wish you had.