Analysis of Ethics: is Honesty the Best Policy?

A steadily increasing number of people are suggesting that "Honesty is not the best policy" when dealing with others. I understand this suggestion. In many ways, it is the easiest way of avoiding a situation that might be a bit uncomfortable. However, when you are dishonest, you lose a part of yourself. Not only do you have to remember the lies that you told, you are compromising your integrity and your relationship with that person. You have now presented yourself, not as you really are. It is a false self and/or a false opinion. Since your opinions are part of yourself, then, you are supporting a false sense of self. when you are honest, even though people might not like what you have to say, they will respect you for being honest. This does not give anyone the right to be blunt, tactless and/or hurtful in the name of honesty. However, even the most delicate situations can be dealt with honestly. When you have built up a reputation of being honest, people will know to come to you when they really want an honest opinion or assessment of the situation. when they want lies, they will seek someone else.

Let's look at some challenging questions and situations that people report are the most difficult for them to retain their honesty.

1. questions about appearance. Many people suggest that a lie is better than the truth when discussing appearance, in fact, they encourage partners to do this to keep their significant other happy. This is ridiculous. Women: (since it is usually women who ask this question) might want an honest response. They want your honest opinion so that they might modify an outfit if you feel that they do not look particularly fetching in that outfit. Don't you owe it to them to be honest? And, if you are not, you are saying that they are so self conscious about their appearance that they can't handle the truth: not even from people who are quite close to them and people who are suppose to tell you the truth. Not all women are so damaged by a suggestion of a flaw in their appearance that they will hate you for it. If you are in a relationship with that type of woman, you might want to reconsider your status until she readjusts her values and maybe gains a bit of self confidence. If you tell a woman: "Well, the red dress flatters your figure more than this green one does" and she becomes angry, you must wonder what she was really asking. And, you have told her quite tactfully the truth. Now, I realize that fat and cellulite is quite a sensitive topic. Why can't you say: "I have always loved you and changes in your physical appearance will not change my love for you." or "I think that you look stunning in that outfit, however, if you are feeling self conscious, we can embark on an exercise plan together." or "I find you to be just as appealing to me, as when I met you." (You can say these things, provided that these statements are true). What you are telling her is that you will not lie to her and say that she has no fat on her body. But, you will reassure her that although her body will go through physical changes, as yours does, you still have the same strong feelings for her. I'm not going to ask someone a question that I don't want them to answer honestly. And, if you think that the outfit does not flatter your partner's figure and don't tell her, imagine how many other people will be thinking the same thing. You will have saved her some embarrassment by gently being honest.

2. questions about your affiliations are often met with dishonesty. If your boss is not the same religion as you are and you are asked: should you lie? Of course not. That is, not if you are proud of your religious beliefs. Only petty bosses will penalize you for your religious beliefs. You might say: "Well, I'm a Muslim, and although our religions are sometimes at odds with each other, I know that we share some common beliefs concerning lying, stealing and self control." You might also point out that your religious or other affiliations will not hinder or negatively affect your work performance. And, your boss might at least respect the fact that you told the truth. You might ask if it is a problem for the boss. If so, it is better to find out sooner than later. The boss will find out and when he/she finds out that you have lied in the first place, that will further tarnish the reputation of your religion.

3. questions about morality and ethics are always difficult subjects and are usually met with dishonest remarks. If you feel that your friend is wrong and he/she asks your opinion, you can say: "Well, in my opinion...." this is an opinion. Everyone lives by their own moral code. If they did not want your opinion, then they should not have asked for it. At the least, you might tell them: "Well, our ethics are different on this subject." Of course, don't tell them until they ask you. But, by lying they don't have a true essence of your own moral code and you have given them even more encouragement to live in their "wrongness," and not develop within themselves. They might truly be seeking guidance and by you telling them what you think they want to hear, you have not guided them to a place of truth. By them asking you what you think, they are unsure and might have an idea that they might be wrong. Disagreeing with someone does not mean that you have tarnished your relationship. It means that your relationship can withstand honesty. It is not disloyal to share your opinion honestly. In fact, not to share your opinion with honesty is to conform to your friend's values with the false sense of keeping the peace instead of peacefully disagreeing with them. This course of action lacks creativity and character.

It is not always easy to be honest. Certainly you don't want to hurt someone's feelings or be disagreeable. Yet, there are ways that you can honestly state your opinion and not hurt another's feelings. Honesty does not translate into tactlessness. I realize that some people are tactless and rude in the name of "honesty." This is not what I am advocating. Yet, when we are not honest with those whom are closest, when we are putting forth a false image of ourselves, we lose our integrity and our authenticity. And, that, for me, is too big of a price.