Anatomy of an Affair

Kaye sat at her desk wondering if she was crazy. What were you thinking?Is there not enough going on in your life right now? The pencil in her hand bore the brunt of her frustration as it snapped into two pieces. She had always considered herself a very together sort of person. Stress could not weigh her down. Kaye had a place and time carved out for everything; kids, work, school, husband, worship, household duties, and even time to participate in a few community plays here and there. She could set aside which ever duty she was not immediately occupying and focus on what required her attention in any given moment.

But this day, like the last three before it, were consumed with thoughts of him. Intruding, distracting her while she tried to work, pray, fix dinner, clean her house or read with her children. Why did I let him kiss me? Why did I kiss him back? After a year of struggling and trying to ignore the feelings and desires I have, I thought I would be stronger than that. She thought back to that night just a few days ago, when she decided to tell him about her struggle, and ask for his forgiveness.

They had been friends for some time now, and nothing she was doing seemed to help her keep the feelings she was having for him in line. She thought perhaps a little humiliation or accountability would help. Besides, she was sure that he had no feelings for her other than as a friend, and though this revelation may strain the friendship a little, Kaye was certain that it would serve its purpose in showing her how wrong she was to feel the way she did. Kaye sent Robert an email and asked if he could meet her a bit earlier than the time they had already scheduled for the project they were working on. He agreed, and made a comment in his reply that he was looking forward to seeing her. Kaye wanted that to mean so much more, but immediately chided herself for the thought. After all, she was a married woman. He was a married man and had never before given signals that he was attracted to her in any way.

Robert arrived later that evening right on time, and greeted Kaye with genuine interest. As they had chosen to meet in a community building, there was a brief and somewhat awkward discussion about where to sit and talk. Robert and Kaye finally decided on a badly painted, out of the way room that would provide enough respectable privacy for discussion, but not utter seclusion from any else who might happen to be using the building.

After several stretches of silence and a dozen or so false starts, Kaye was frustrated. Robert encouraged her to speak about whatever was bothering her. He told her didn't mind, whatever it was, he would listen. As Kaye still couldn't bring herself to say what she wanted, she became frustrated. It was in that frustration that she was able to share with Robert what she wanted to say. "I have been having inappropriate thoughts and feeling for you, and I wanted to confess, and ask for your forgiveness."

As Kaye remembered back on that moment, she closed her eyes and thought of the rapid pounding of her heart, the exhilarating, yet terrifying feeling of speaking those things aloud. She could once again feel the thunder of her heart and the fear that Robert would be terribly offended and walk away. He did not walk away, though, and Kaye touched her hand at the memory of Robert reaching over to take her hand in his. Confused and taken by surprise, she questioned him with her eyes, indeed, with all of her expression. The exact flow of the conversation was lost in Kaye's memory somewhere, and all she could recall was Robert saying that he had experienced some feelings for her, too.

As they talked, the sun went down, and they had become too caught up in their conversation to turn on the light to the room they were using. They had moved to sit out of immediate view of the doorway, as they continued to hold onto one another's hand. Robert and Kaye talked for what seemed like hours about the feelings they were having and when and where they had first experienced them for each other. Robert told her that most of the time he tried to ignore them or pretend they weren't there. Kay spoke of struggling often and fighting hard to make the feelings she was having disappear. The feelings disturbed her greatly in the beginning. Neither Robert nor Kaye were looking for relationships, as they were both married, albeit, neither very happily.

It became late, and the community building they had chosen to meet in was being closed down for the evening. Forgetting to turn on the light earlier caused a bit of a dilemma for them, if they turned on the light now, it would alert the individuals closing up the building that someone was in that room. Since the light had been off the whole time, Robert and Kaye were worried that it would draw unwanted attention to the fact that they were in the room, in the dark, alone.

Recalling the next events of that particular evening caused Kaye to stop and chuckle softly to herself and shake her head slightly. Instead of trying to exit the room or turn on the light, she and Robert decided to just move to a corner of the room out of the view of the doorway and sit on the floor, waiting for everyone else to leave. She again chuckled when she recalled a brief moment of panic as they heard someone right outside the door to the room where they were hiding on the floor in a dark corner.

As they sat on the floor still whispering conversation, there was a small stretch of silence, where Kaye and Robert were just trying to take in all that they had shared. Kaye knew she should put some space between herself and Robert, but the comforting feel of his hand around hers, and the closeness of his body to hers took control. She leaned her head onto his waiting shoulder. She closed her eyes and took in the scent of his shirt, the beating of his heart, and the rhythm of his breathing. Before she could commit all those things to her memory, she felt his lips ever so slightly touching hers. It was a feather-light, tentative kiss. Kaye opened her eyes and looked at Robert with a small, shy smile granting permission for him to continue. This time no thoughts of hesitancy crossed Kaye's mind. Robert leaned in to kiss Kaye again, and she met him as they shared a kiss that grew in intensity until they had to pull away.

The phone in Kaye's office rang out loud and shrilly, pulling her out of her reverie and back into the world around her. This world contained her daily to do list, and that call was a reminder that she had obligations that needed attention. Kaye chided herself. Get a grip and get moving or you will never get done what you need to today. She packed up her bag and headed out the door to her evening duties, but not before taking the time to recall the tender moments spent with Robert just a few days ago. Kaye turned out the light to her office and whispered a prayer for strength, direction and clarity as she left her office, a little less put-together than she had been before that kiss.