And on the Eighth Day, God Created Turn Signals

And On The Eighth Day, God Created Turn Signals
Category: Life Now before any religious people start screaming blasphemy, the title is a joke. Relax. And stop taking life so seriously.

But speaking of serious, let's talk about people on the road. Everybody has a horror story to tell about things they've experienced while driving. The major incidents don't bother me. Accidents happen. Stupidity doesn't. It's genetic.

First, let's address the title of this little rant. That little arm is on your steering column for a reason. And don't give me the old "If I use it, people will pull up and won't let me in" crap. I call bullshit. My rule of thumb (and many others, from what I've seen) is, that if you are in the lane next to me, and you put your signal on in a timely fashion, I'm gonna let you in. Period. You try and sneak in, because I've left a safe distance between myself and the car in front, you will receive all the venom I have in me.

And while I'm on that subject, one more thought. Guys, for the most part, you are exempt from this one. Ladies, not so much. At least in my experience. If someone lets you in front of them, it takes about four or five muscles for you to lift up your arm and wave 'thank you'. Try it sometime.

And your turn signal is not just for changing lanes. Believe it or not, many people use them when turning on to another street. Those of you who decide not to, and then look at me funny as I'm honking my horn and extending a finger, can go down to your local DMV and buy a clue.

The amount of idiots on the road in this country seems to grow every day. One reason? The lack of any kind of training. In this country, if you're fifteen or older, can parallel park, and know how to use your turn signal (which many forget later on), you get a drivers' license. By contrast, in Germany, you can't even sniff a steering wheel until you are eighteen. Then, after 14 hours of classroom training, and instruction which includes driving at night, on high speed roads, in traffic, and in bad weather, you are deemed worthy of.... a chance to take your 45 minute driving test. No wonder the accident rates are some of the lowest in the world (I'll bet they use their turn signals, too).

Now that I've covered everything you need to know about driving in Germany, on to the next thing to get under my skin.

Coming soon to a theater near you! They will scare you! They will amaze you! They will piss you off to the point of you wanting to follow them to wherever it is that they're going, pulling them out of the car, and smacking them in the back of the head with a tack hammer!

They are!.....

SLOW DRIVERS IN THE LEFT LANE!!

It's the oldest joke in the book. Funny thing is, it's only gotten worse. While riding with my best friend a few months ago, I asked him why he wouldn't mover over and let people pass.

His response?

"Because this is my lane. They can go around."

And people wonder why incidents of road rage have increased.

Seriously, not only are you SLLDs (Slow Left Lane Drivers) annoying, you are seriously fucking up the flow of traffic and are a danger to those around you. You do realize that there is a law that requires you to move out of my, and everyone else's, way, right? But I don't want you SLLDs to feel picked on, so I will pin some blame on another group who is just as responsible as you for that clusterfuck on the side of the road.

The police.

What?! An indictment of law enforcement?! How could I?! Easy.

Let me first say that my brother is a veteran police officer and I have the utmost respect for all in blue. But when it comes to traffic management, I must speak up. Grand Prairie,Texas is instituting a new program, designed to stop tailgaters. They have gone out and purchased a radar, with taxpayer money, to measure the distance between cars on the freeway. You under two seconds behind the guy in front of you? That'll be $143. I'm willing to bet that many of those caught are on the port side of the road. Wouldn't it be amazing if those same officers would pull over cars that are cruising in the left lane and cite them for failure to yield right of way, or impeding traffic? Saves money and solves a problem. But that would be too easy, and government doesn't work that way.

Now I'll be the first to admit that I drive... fast. But I mange to do it without weaving in and out of traffic, in a desperate attempt to look like an Andretti. And although I might be driving 80, I'm not talking on my phone, putting on makeup, messing with my iPod or laptop, or reading the morning paper (don't laugh, I've seen it).

So to those of you out there who are as frustrated as I am, I feel your pain. Ain't nothin' gonna change, but at least we have places like this to vent.

And to those of you out there who are cruising along in the left lane, at 55 mph, I say this...

Put down your phone, turn off your iPod, check your email when you get to work, eat before you leave the house, get up early enough to put on your makeup or shave in your bathroom, read War And Peace next to a fireplace with a nice glass of warm brandy, and get the fuck out of my way.