And I Hope

And I hope
that when I tell him
he will not insult my intelligence
with the lies I think he tells
because I love him
but hate when he lies
and even tho, I probably won't literally die,
it might kill some of the pure and hopeful things inside me

And I hope
that when I say it
he believes me
because sometimes, he acts like he does not think I'm sure.
And I might not have realized it at the time
but, I think, now, I may have loved him
long before I was even much of a thought in his mind
and he never even noticed

And I hope
that he will tell me he feels the same way
and we can be together forever
because I am sure
and all I want is to be his only girl
and make his eyes light up
brighter than every Christmas light in the whole world

*okay, now I think I should tell you that, I am a lot smarter than you realize. I'm not bragging, but, seriously, don't you think it's good that I'm confident of that? People keep telling me to be a confident person and be confident in the fact that I'm very intelligent. Okay, well I am. I have said before that I'm not going to let people think I'm dumb and treat me like it. So please, I am begging you, please stop insulting me by thinking you can trick me and make me believe something that is not true. I can not unlearn things I have learned, I can not unsee things I have seen, I can not un hear things I've heard. That is just impossible. I can not go backwards. I am not trying to make you angry, but when you care are supposed to care about someone, you should not be trying to make them believe things that aren't true and trick them. You have no idea what this is like for me. I can not shut my brain down. I can not throw my intelligence away. Maybe if I could, it would make people happier. But that would not be being true to myself. It is the saddest thing in the world that you do this to me, and it honestly does break my heart. I feel like I am ALWAYS, ALWAYS trying to make a brick wall come down. And even tho you've been reading, you really have no idea what all this has done to me. I tried to make it stop several times, you know I did. I don't want to have to anymore. I am begging you to please stop doing this to me. I love you, you know that. I hate it when I think you're stressed out or hurt in any way, but I'm hurt and stressed out and nobody even knows how much. I am asking you to please understand that I haven't done this to get your attention, or just to get something I want. I have let you see all this, knowing you were reading, because I want you to know that I feel this way. You can pretend you don't know a thing in the world about it if you want to, but that is so sad, and you know it's not right. I love you and it tears me apart to know that you lie the way you have. If you pretend you never read this at all, fine. But I think you should know that I honestly feel like we're soul mates. And I wrote about that. And explained it all. And I wanted you to see that. And I wanted to tell you myself how I feel. I really did. And I still do. And when I ask to talk to you about this, and you say no, that will be so sad. And if you pretend not to feel the same way, for reasons I do not understand, you have no idea how much that will hurt. And so now you really know one reason I'm scared, don't you. If I love you, I'm supposed to trust you. And you've sacred a little part of me into not trusting. And you know, that wasn't even easy for me to begin with. I have begged you, and even that didn't work, and now, I don't know what will. And it hurts, more than anything. And, you know, the fact that I was probably lied to by other people doesn't hurt near as much as the fact that I was lied to by you. And that's why I begged you to stop. I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand for the both of us to be so stressed out over this. And I don't know what to do anymore. And, yeah, I'll ask to talk about this, to tell you myself how I feel. And even if you say no, you know what? At least I'll know I was real and true to myself, and did what I said I would do. Altho, now, I can say, that after this, I will do no more begging. Because, I thought long and hard about it today, and I realized that, I am a smart, intelligent, strong person, and I should never have to beg a man for anything. And, I think I should also tell you that, I am smart enough also, to realize that, I think you might possibly have been reading all of this stuff out of order. So, this is the last thing you will see before the next time I see you. I know this was very weird and awkward for you, but honestly, at least now I can say that I'm real, and that, I do what I do and keep on going without looking back anymore. And there was a time, when I would have regretted doing something this crazy, but, not anymore. Maybe I am crazy, but at least I'm actually trying to be real. I used to not be able to say that about myself. So, if you really and truly want to, pretend you never saw any of this at all. But if I were you, I wouldnt want to do that. Whatever. All along, I would have done whatever you asked me nicely to do. But, forget about you? No way, no how, not in a million years. And it should also tell you something, that I don't care who reads this. Because how I feel doesn't embarriss me. Like I said, at least it's real, at least I'm real. *