"And Now for Something Completely Different."

I know from time to time, well probably most of the time, my columns may aggravate readers who are, um, ah, let's be kind, of the conservative persuasion.

Taking a cue from Monty Python, this column is completely different; a straight-up recitation, without my usual snarky commentary, of positions Republican congressmen or candidates say they will implement if given the chance by voters. It is exclusively for the viewing pleasure of conservatives and tea partiers who adore this slash and burn approach to governing. Well, nothing snarky starting now!

NOTE: I'm not responsible if, by chance, progressives, moderates and others with a stitch of rationality, compassion and self-preservation stumble upon it, gasp as the curtain is drawn exposing RepublicanWorld and go racing to the polls screaming and brandishing their voter card. Sorry, I can't help myself. Okay, starting now.

Republicans insist they will:

o Continue unfunded tax breaks for the wealthiest two percent of Americans, adding $700 billion to the ten-year deficit.

o Repeal the Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act that helps protect the country from the predator behavior that caused the Wall Street meltdown, prohibits future bailouts, strengthens investor protections and shields consumers from credit scams.

o Rescind the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act that extends health care coverage to 30 million uninsured Americans; provides free preventive services; allows young adults on a parent's plan until age 26; closes the Medicare Part D "doughnut hole;" and prohibits insurance companies from denying coverage to kids with pre-existing conditions, capping lifetime benefits, canceling policies without proving fraud and rejecting claims without an appeal.

o Privatize Social Security that constitutes the only income for one in six Americans and provides more than half the income for nearly two-thirds of retirees who saw their "privatized" 401(k)s plummet by 50 percent in 2007-8 and still not fully recover.

o Close Veterans Administration hospitals and suspend Medicare and give veterans and retirees vouchers to use in corporate hospitals. Provide government grants to faith-based and other private charitable organizations to supplant welfare spending and Medicaid.

o Reject same-sex marriage, adoption by same-sex couples and repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Ban gays and unmarried pregnant women from teaching in schools. Support school prayer and teaching of intelligent design. Criminalize abortion, including as a result of rape and incest. End government funding for birth control education except to teach abstinence.

o Oppose comprehensive immigration reform including a path to citizenship for 12 million quasi-permanent resident-workers. Eliminate the Department of Education, Occupational Safety and Health Administration and Environmental Protection Agency.

o Bolster unlimited free trade. Preserve tax breaks for companies that export jobs and retain profits offshore. Withdraw from the U.N. Oppose campaign contributions transparency. Abolish the minimum wage.

o Filibuster any Supreme Court nominee not in the mold of Justices Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia.

Go! Race! Scream! Brandish!