Andrew Dice Clay Quotes & Jokes: Most Offensive 'Filth'

Andrew Dice Clay's quotes are so graphic that they need to come with an explicit lyrics warning. The stand-up comedian has made plenty of waves with his jokes that are summed up quite easily by the title of his most popular album, Filth. His quotes are pretty much all about the same things; women and sex. No other man in history has become more famous for turning old nursery rhymes into funny dirty jokes. Andrew Dice Clay's quotes will offend some, but others will find him hilarious. Here are the top ten best Andrew Dice Clay quotes and jokes.

Andrew Dice Clay Quotes & Jokes #1 - His version of Old Mother Hubbard

"Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard
To get her old dog a bone
And when she bent over, Rover took over!
She got a bone of her own."

Andrew Dice Clay Quotes & Jokes #2 - On jerking off

"When you jerk off, you're saying "Hey, I care about me."

Andrew Dice Clay Quotes & Jokes #3 - On his wife

"Hey diddle diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
That's more than my lazy wife does,
The fat, f**kin' smelly baboon."

Andrew Dice Clay Quotes & Jokes #4 - On his sex life

"Old Mother Goose...
I f**ked her."

Andrew Dice Clay Quotes & Jokes #5 - A benefit of being gay

"I think the best part of being gay is when you're done [with sex], you could turn over and talk about football."

Andrew Dice Clay Quotes & Jokes #6 - On gay rights

"Rub a Dub Dub
Three men in a tub.
Fa**ots have threesomes, too-
So f**kin' what."

Andrew Dice Clay Quotes & Jokes #7 - On why he drinks

"I don`t drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what`s so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddddave... Kkkkkkikikill your papapapapaparents!!"

Andrew Dice Clay Quotes & Jokes #8 - What really happened with Jack and Jill

"Jack and Jill went up the hill
Both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with $2.50."

Andrew Dice Clay Quotes & Jokes #9 - Poor Jack

"Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack burnt off his f**king dick!"

Andrew Dice Clay Quotes & Jokes #10 - But she told me it was her first time

"Let me ask you a question...: the first time you f**ked her, was she any good? Yeah? Now let me ask you another question: how do you think she got that way?"

For more great quotes from your favorite celebrites check out www.celebritiesquotes.com