Anger and Power (an Extract)

Anger and Power

Power has many connotations, especially in abusive, angry settings. In its pure form, however, power is energy, and energy has consciousness. Power can be used to develop and nourish relationships, or it can be used to destroy them. Every time you use your anger inappropriately, you give your power away and abuse it. By exploring our relationship to power as a phenomenon, we can better support ourselves in managing our anger appropriately.
When I am talking about power relationships in my workshops I often notice that people's eyes begin to glaze over. We hear a lot about personal power and empowerment, and yet few of us are able really to relate these concepts to our everyday lives, or explore them in our personal relationships. We may associate power with those in authority, such as our parents, our teachers, gurus, the rich and famous, our boss, politicians and so on. The notion of having real personal power can be either scary or exhilarating, or both at the same time.

Becoming aware of power dynamics and how they get played out in our life, is a revelation and a turning-point for most of us, particularly with regard to understanding anger issues. It enables us to begin to make choices about how we deal with and manage situations where negative power dynamics are being played out.

The three types of power
There are three basic relationships to power. Two of them, powerlessness and seeking power over, are unhealthy; the third, empowerment is healthy.

Powerlessness
Those who fear their own power tend to disempower themselves in subversive and sophisticated ways. They may blame others for the things that go wrong in their lives, perhaps feeling hard done by them. On the other hand, they may blame themselves for being so incompetent, feeling that whatever they do is not good enough.

Seeking power over
Despite what I have said above, there are a small number of people who become excited or exhilarated by the idea of having power over others (as opposed to having their own intrinsic sense of power). These people tend to be abusive, controlling or disrespectful towards other people. This behaviour is usually a compensation for deeper feelings of inadequacy.

Empowerment
Empowerment is a healthy sense of power that arises from within. It does not depend upon having someone to dominate. Those who feel empowered are supportive, encouraging and empowering of others. They listen to and see others without making value judgements.

Having power/lacking power
Our personal power is contaminated by our inability to acknowledge and accept ourselves, others and situations as they are, in the moment. We abuse our power because we lack emotional awareness of ourselves or those around us. Of course, eventually we have to take responsibility for our actions, thoughts and feelings. We could lose our job, our friends, our family, our income, our self-esteem, our dignity and our health. In extreme cases, we may even end up serving a jail sentence for injuring someone very badly. If we refuse to cultivate awareness of how our behaviour affects others, we will eventually be made aware of this when someone tells us what we don't want to hear, forcing us to distinguish, discern and differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate behaviour. And if this doesn't happen, we will start to notice that people stay away from us because of our inconsistent, disrespectful and abusive behaviour.
Most of us misunderstand power dynamics, and this inevitably influences the way we think and feel about ourselves and others. This misunderstanding influences our families, the education system and the workplace.

For many of us, our early experience to power was as something wielded by our parents like a dangerous sword, to make us perform and obey while living under their rule. Their motivation was partly to socialise us and partly to make their lives less chaotic so that the home could be run without too many disruptions or crises. The result is that from a very early age, even before we were aware of ourselves in relationship to others, most of us were being controlled, manipulated and offered conditional love. 'Yes, you can have a biscuit if you behave yourself,' or 'If you're a good little girl, I'll buy you that lovely dress we saw the other day.' From this kind of conditioning we learn that 'good' and 'bad' behaviour are what our carers want and don't want us to do. However, as we grow up, we also have to assimilate many different value systems - that of school, that of our friends and eventually that of the workplace - each with their own set of beliefs about what is appropriate behaviour. Given the many mixed messages we receive as we grow up, it's inevitable that our relationship to power and control can become dysfunctional.

The two power dynamics we are discussing here, having power and lacking power, are symptomatic of something called closed system thinking - that is, the (mistaken) belief that there is not enough power to go around. If we believe there is not enough of something to go around, we become over-protective of our possessions, whether these are material or exist in the realm of the pysche or the emotions. Thus if our belief system is oriented towards a lack of abundance, we will be hyper-sensitive about everything we own.

This attitude, of course, spills over into our relationships. Our belief system reinforces that in order to feel powerful, we must have ownership. Therefore if we believe that someone is threatening our possessions, we become angry and fight by any means to reclaim what is ours - be it by domination, control or manipulation. This scenario is also played out whenever we believe we have a claim of ownership over a person, for example our spouse, our partner, our children, our friends, our employees and so on.

Jealousy is a symptom of the belief that power equates with ownership. Jealousy is a consequence of low self-esteem and a deep insecurity based on the negative self-belief that we are not good enough and that other people pose a threat to our exclusive right to the love and attention of those we are attached to. If from an early age we have internalised the belief that there is not enough of anything to go around, we watch out jealously for any potential threat to people, things, thoughts, ideas and dreams. Whenever we feel threatened, we believe that these things will be taken away from us - and that if they are, we will lose our power. Sadly, we often create a self-fulfilling prophecy, for the more tightly we to cling to the people in our lives, the more likely we are to drive them away.

EXERCISE
HAVING POWER/LACKING POWER
This exercise will help you to discover how the having power/lacking power dynamic manifests in your own life. Ask yourself the following questions, writing down the answers in your journal:
• In which areas do I feel the most powerful in my life?
• When am I the least powerful in my life?
• In which areas do I feel the most powerless in my life?
• When do I feel the most powerless in my life?
• How do I use my personal power?
• How do I abuse my personal power?
If you answer these questions fully, you will find that there is much information to be gleaned about yourself from this process. This will help to support you in managing your anger and in becoming more assertive in areas where you currently allow yourself to be manipulated by others.

Sharing power
Many participants in my anger management workshops tell me that the reason they are there is because their anger has turned to violence. When they find themselves being violent they get scared, because their inability to stop their violent outbursts reinforces their belief that they have absolutely no control over their feelings and impulses.

How we use (or misuse) our power is based, in part, on the meaningfulness of particular relationships to us. A meaningful relationship is one in which we can communicate freely and honestly. We feel that all of who we are is accepted, acknowledged and loved unconditionally, with the result that we can express all the parts of ourselves, the light and the dark. If a relationship is meaningful to us and we can communicate well in it, we feel less anxious and threatened because we are secure in the knowledge that we can be open, speak our mind and express our feelings. This supports our own personal growth and development. In meaningful relationships, we share the power rather than fight to monopolise it.
When a relationship is not meaningful to us, on the other hand, we may use our power to control and manipulate it. We believe that we have less to lose, so we act as we please. We are less emotionally invested in what the other person thinks of us, so being abusive or insensitive is irrelevant to us. We may become aggressive and hostile, often without even being aware of it. This behaviour is, of course, unhealthy, and certainly does not encourage further intimacy. Everyone deserves respect. If we look honestly into our soul we can recognise that when we are hostile and abusive it is because we feel threatened in some way.
Even in relationships where power-sharing is the norm, however, problems can arise when a threat is perceived from someone or something else. We may find our anger barometer beginning to rise and our internal defence systems activated. All of a sudden, we have turned into a war machine, prepared to do combat at any cost.

We can all use our power to keep ourselves safe and out of trouble or to cause a good deal of it. Whether we do the former or the latter depends on our level of self-awareness.

EXERCISE
POWER GAMES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
In every relationship we have there is always some degree of power struggle taking place. In some relationships this struggle will be benign and in others it will be aggressive and full of power play. This exercise is designed to enable you to identify benign power relationships in your life.
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Make a list of ten people with whom you get on very well.
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Look at each person on your list in turn and see if you can identify what it is about them that helps or enables you to get on so well with them. After each person's name write: 'I get on well with - because ...'
•
When you have considered each person on your list, see if there are any common features among your reasons for getting on with them.
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You will probably discover that one thing all these people have in common is that they do not threaten you. You feel safe with them. Why is this? Because there are no power games being played between you. When you are together, you exercise your power in an open healthy way, without trying to dominate or manipulate one another.

Letting go of the need for power over
As a result of reading the above sections, you should now be a little clearer about how power gets played out in your life. You may have come to see that in order to feel safe in the world, you believe that you need to be in control of all situations and personal relationships at all times. This is, of course, not true; it's just that your personal belief system tells you this is so. Once you start sharing your feelings with others and talking about your anxieties, fears and shame, you can begin to dismantle this misunderstanding. As we become increasingly empowered from the inside, our need to control others eventually becomes obsolete - it's only a matter of time!

Take a moment now to think about key learnings from this chapter so far. Don't worry if things are still not completely clear in your mind. Just keep turning them over in your thoughts about the different aspects of power and how they affect your life.

The five anger styles
When you are angry with someone, what approach do you use to express your anger? In his book Facing the Fire, John Lee suggests that there are four anger styles: intimidator, interrogator, poor me and distancer. I would like to add another that I recently discovered with the help of some participants on one of my weekend workshops, the winder-upper. Let's now take a look at each of these styles.

1 The intimidator
æ Our intention: to control others by using an aggressive stance.
æ Our belief: 'If the person is scared of me, they will do exactly what I want them to do.'
æ Our behaviour: giving the evil eye; eye-balling; finger-pointing; an aggressive stance; shouting; body posturing; making threatening, intimidating and patronising statements and gestures.

With this style of anger, we seek to control others in a very aggressive way. We steal energy by harassing others into paying attention to us so that we can get what we need from them. We believe this is the only way we can get our needs met. Anger management programmes are full of intimidators.
Have you ever seen yourself as a bully, or even a petty tyrant? Has anyone ever suggested that your behaviour can be abusive and threatening? Have you ever found yourself screaming and shouting, hurling abuse at others, making threatening statements, or pointing a finger or eye-balling other people when you find yourself not getting your own way? This is classic intimidator behaviour. I'm aware, for example, that I myself am inclined to intimidate others when I feel out of control and scared and am too afraid to communicate this. I conceal to myself what I am feeling and try to manipulate my environment to get my needs met by intimidating everyone around me in order to regain control.
Being an intimidator is about invoking fear in others in order to control them, and fear is a highly effective tool. It is important to remember that when you intimidate someone else, you are scaring them in order to get them to do something for you that they have resistance to doing.
There can be a fine line between aggression and assertiveness. However, whereas assertiveness can lead to clarity, aggression leads to abuse! Assertiveness is about knowing what you want and getting it respectfully, without maliciously hurting those around you. The difference is in the intent. If the intent is to manipulate, control and have power over others, this is aggression.
The world sometimes expects us to be an intimidator, especially if we're a man. Aggression is often admired and expected, for example, in the workplace and on the sports field. Unfortunately, many men think it's cool to be aggressive, and may lose the ability to behave in any other way, feeling awkward in environments where gentleness, tenderness and respect are necessary. Such men lack the ability to consider the feelings of another, to empathise and to have compassion - either for themselves or for other people - and this leaves them increasingly isolated. Hurt and unhappiness are reinforced when we are unable to adjust and adapt to situations where aggression is not tolerated.
All behaviour is learned, however. Those of us who are characteristically aggressive can learn to become assertive by recognising the impact that our behaviour has on others and making a commitment to doing something about it. Intimidation serves no one. It's far healthier to communicate how you feel, for example by saying, 'I feel angry with you, and when I feel angry all I want to do is hurt you.' Begin the process of sharing how you feel moment by moment. It will take courage to start with, but it will become easier. The following exercise will give you insight into the origins of your intimidating behaviour.
EXERCISE
INTIMIDATION
Ask yourself the following questions. Write your answers in your journal.
• Who did you learn your intimidating behaviour from?
• Who has intimidated you?
• How did it feel?
• Did you feel manipulated?
• Did you feel angry?
• What did you do with your anger?

2 The interrogator
With this style of anger, we seek to control others in a more manipulative way, using questions to find fault and make others feel self-conscious, guilty, embarrassed, ashamed and monitored.
æ Our intention: to get others to see things our way. We use a machine-gun spray of questions intended to make others experience their behaviour as inappropriate, bad or shameful.
æ Our belief: 'I have power and control over how you feel and think; you will feel bad and obey me without question.'
æ Our behaviour: asking lots of questions such as: 'What time do you call this?', 'Who do you think you are?', 'Where do you think you're going?', etc.

You may have been on the receiving end of the interrogator if, as a teenager, you ever came home in the early hours all bleary-eyed and much the worse for wear. You may recall a barrage of questions from one or both of your parents - questions intended to make you feel guilty and ashamed. For example, your mother may have looked at her watch and asked, 'What time do you call this?' - already knowing the time full well - the subtext to this early morning rhetoric being, 'I am furious with you and am going to make you feel as guilty as hell'. This is the style of the interrogator. Do you recognise it within yourself? If you have children of your own, you probably do.
Many parents use this style to invoke guilt and shame in their children, believing that it is an effective tool in controlling their behaviour. This style is the one most used by people who feel they have power over others. If you recognise this behaviour in yourself, you need to learn to share openly with others the fact that you feel angry with them, why you feel angry and the effect that their behaviour has on you. You might say, for example:
I'm feeling angry with you because you said you would be back at 10 and it's now 12. I feel disrespected and I was getting frightened that something had happened to you. Please do your best to be home on time in future, and if you know you're going to be late, ring me - even if you're afraid I may be angry. Is this understood?
EXERCISE
INTERROGATION
Ask yourself the following questions. Write your answers in your journal.
• Who did you learn your interrogatory behaviour from?
• Who has interrogated you?
• How did it feel?
• Did you feel manipulated?
• Did you feel angry in response?
• What did you do with your anger?

3 The poor me
With this style of anger, we seek to control others by making them feel guilty for not doing enough for us. We are able to steal energy from them when they buy into this guilt trip. When they give us the attention we are looking for, we believe that we have gained power over them through our manipulating and controlling tactics.
æ Our intention: to gain attention from others by making them feel ashamed because they have neglected and mistreated us in some way.
æ Our belief: 'The only way I can have power in the relationship is by making you feel guilty about the way you have treated and behaved towards me.'
æ Our behaviour: we say things like 'I try so hard to help you and all I get is a mouthful of abuse', 'No one really understands me', 'I slave over a hot stove for you and you can't even get home on time', 'You're so selfish; you never think of what I want!', 'Why am I such a failure?' (Note: whining and moaning are anger through a small hole!)

I learned from a very young age how to manipulate others through learned helplessness (see page 87). This behaviour is very effective and to some extent appropriate when we are young. The problem is that if we do not grow out of learned helplessness as we grow up, in adulthood it becomes very difficult to give up. In learned helplessness, our actions cry out for someone to rescue us, take care of us and protect us. The result, however, is that we remain imprisoned by our fear of taking responsibility for our own lives. The 'poor me' who suffers from learned helplessness needs to find the courage to recognise how this behaviour is sabotaging their lives and undermining potentially healthy relationships with others.
While the 'poor me' is a manipulator, they also sometimes end up being manipulated by others. If this happens, they will express their resentment - occasionally to the point of verbally or physically abusing others, although this sort of behaviour is uncharacteristic. While primarily an imploder, the 'poor me' will eventually explode. Unfortunately, the result is often that they feel so much guilt and shame about exploding that they never let it happen again - although, of course, unless they take steps to understand and change their behaviour, it's only a matter of time before it does. (For more about imploders and exploders, see page 132.) If they go on swallowing their anger, the 'poor me' can end up depressed - even clinically depressed in severe cases.
If you recognise the 'poor me' in yourself, you need to learn how to become assertive in your life, to identify what you need and then make sure you get it in straightforward, mature ways. This requires courage and honesty with yourself and others, but it can be done. The following exercise will help to set you on the right path.
EXERCISE
POOR ME
Ask yourself the following questions. Write your answers in your journal.
• Who did you learn 'poor me' behaviour from?
• Who has used 'poor me' behaviour towards you?
• How did it make you feel?
• Did you feel manipulated?
• Did you feel angry in response?
• What did you do with your anger?

4 The distancer
With this style of anger, we seek to control others by remaining detached, aloof, secretive, withholding and vague.
æ Our intention: seducing someone into chasing us around in order to probe and figure us out so that we can gain energy from their attention.
æ Our belief: 'The other person will guess I am angry or upset and will follow me to acknowledge and respond to my anger.' The distancer may also believe that if they do not deal with their feelings of anger, these feelings will subside and disappear.
æ Our behaviour: the classic quality of the distancer is to do everything possible to avoid conflict, intellectualising every feeling. The distancer describes feelings as if they were thoughts: 'I don't have a problem with anger, never had, never will', 'I never get angry', 'I'd rather run away than get angry', 'The only time I ever get angry is when you make me angry', 'I have not been angry in years'.

The distancer will give you the silent treatment and diminish their feelings, because allowing themselves to feel threatens their sense of self.
I find that when distancers attend one of my anger management programme, they seldom come of their own accord. They will say they are there because they have been sent by their spouse or by their company. Often, they will claim to be there out of curiosity, believing that they do not have an anger issue, even though their family, friends and colleagues, repeatedly tell them differently. After a few hours they usually concede that they do have an anger management problem, but it sure takes energy to convince them of it.
I often get asked whether walking away from conflict is a way of distancing. Firstly, it is very important to recognise that walking away does not mean that we are running away or that we are weak. Walking away gives us time to stop, reflect and take a look at the bigger picture. Then we can return to the conflict and talk clearly and openly about our thoughts and feeling. Distancers, on the other hand, walk away and on their return (if they do return) do not deal with the issues raised in conflict. They often feel a deep fear of attempting to resolve the conflict in case it turns into a forest fire.
If you are a distancer, you need to learn how to open up and share your feelings with others without being afraid of things going wrong wrong. Familiarising yourself with the territory of emotional pain will enable you to communicate without anyone getting hurt, and, furthermore, it will create intimacy and deepen links with loved ones. Expressing makes for much healthier relationships than running - and eventually you will run out of road and will have to work on your personal development if you want to remain healthy.
EXERCISE
DISTANCING
Ask yourself the following questions. Write your answers in your journal.
• Who did you learn distancing behaviour from?
• Who has used distancing behaviour towards you?
• How did it make you feel?
• Did you feel manipulated?
• Did you feel angry in response?
• What did you do with your anger?

5 The winder-upper
With this style of anger, we seek to control others by joking, making fun of, mocking and teasing others. Our anger is expressed as a joke, but there's always a barb attached to it. Winder-uppers use their anger not just to define themselves and test people's love but also to get other people to express their unexpressed anger. In this way they can express their anger through the back door and don't need to take responsibility for their own feelings.
The irony is that this type of person is someone few people are prepared to tolerate, and a disagreement will often turn into fireworks. People tend to avoid the winder-upper at all costs, which leaves them isolated and potentially even more angry, hence reinforcing their negative core belief about not being lovable.
æ Our intention: to get others to express our unexpressed feelings and emotions, especially our anger.
æ Our belief: 'By putting others down I feel better about myself. If I can get others to feel and express my unexpressed anger, then I don't have to deal with my own distressing feelings.'
æ Our behaviour: saying something derogatory or patronising and then, when others react to them, responding by saying, 'Can't you take a joke?', 'You're always so serious; chill out', 'Lighten up a bit, mate; no need to get so uptight with me', 'You sure are menstrual this month'.

As I mentioned earlier, this style of anger was defined recently by a participant in one of my anger management programmes. The reason I had not recognised it before myself is because it was part of my shadow. I spent most of my childhood and adult years, winding people up, irritating them and generally pissing them off in order to get them to express my anger for me. Of course, I was doing all of this unconsciously.
The sad thing about the winder-upper is that he quickly alienates everyone, yet without being conscious of the effect his behaviour has on others. He is usually oblivious to other people's feelings and has absolutely no understanding of the impact of his words. He is also very good at giving mixed messages. He likes to make fun of someone and then, just as the other person is becoming angry, quickly change tack and say something like, 'A little touchy today, aren't you?'
The winder-upper alternates between imploding and exploding, and all his jokes are passive-aggressive in nature. He also tends to avoid people who are assertive enough to tell him that his jokes are not funny and that he should immediately back off. Nevertheless, he always manages to have a few victims hovering around at any given time. Making other people the butt of his humour is, of course, a way of getting attention and of showing everyone how 'clever' he is.
EXERCISE
WINDING PEOPLE UP
Ask yourself the following questions. Write your answers in your journal.
• Who did you learn winding-up behaviour from?
• Who has used winding-up behaviour towards you?
• How did it make you feel?
• Did you feel manipulated?
• Did you feel angry in response?
• What did you do with your anger?

Each anger style has its own unique destructive flavour and distinctive quality. We can use each style separately or we can use them
in combinations depending on the result we want to achieve. Sometimes we are not even sure of the result we want to achieve, but nevertheless we thrash around blindly until we create some effect. Only then do we come to our senses, if we are lucky, and become aware of our intention, which is usually to hurt another person emotionally or to gain power and control over a situation or person.
Within the space of a minute we can use many different combinations of anger styles. If a particular style is not having the desired effect, we may add another one - and another - until we get the result we want. This usually goes on completely unconsciously, without us even noticing when we shift from one anger style to another. I have personally noticed myself using all five styles within seconds of each other!
Controlling our anger takes discipline, awareness and a firm intention to stop our abusive behaviour. The following exercise will help you to become more aware of when you use the various anger styles.

EXERCISE
WHEN DO YOU USE THE DIFFERENT ANGER STYLES
Look at each anger style and consider the situations in which you use it. I have given you a few examples to get you going.
• I use the intimidator when:
I want to get a quick reaction from others.
I know that I can manipulate you into doing what I say.
• I use the interrogator when:
I want to shame someone.
I feel insecure and want to be in control.
• I use the distancer when:
I want you to make things better for me.
I am afraid of hurting your feelings.
• I use poor me when:
I want you to feel sorry for me.
I want you to take care of me.
• I use the winder-upper when:
I am afraid to confront you directly.
I feel like you have hurt me.

Exploders and imploders
As we have seen, anger takes a wide range of forms. There is rage, hostility, aggression, fury, resentment, assertiveness and so on. Each of these behaviours can be either low or high in explosivity.
Most of us associate displays of anger with 'exploders' - that is, those of us who aren't shy to raise our voices and demonstrate our discomfort and dislikes in loud and abusive tones. However, there is another cluster of people who remain within a subterranean zone where anger manifests itself as a dark, brooding force. In this instance, anger is expressed sideways, in sarcastic comments, in moods or silences, perhaps even in devious plotting - though without confronting the other person involved. This is passive-aggressive behaviour, the behaviour of the imploder.
Exploders
Exploders can move from anger to full-on rage in an instant. Their anger is irrational. Once they begin to act out aggressively, they are in a state of emotional regression and become dangerous to themselves and others. Not long after their temper-tantrum they regret their outburst and their dysfunctional behaviour - but by then, of course, it's too late and the damage is done.
Exploders are unable to look at the big picture. Their rational brain has been hijacked by the older instinctive brain and adrenalin coursing their bodies (see page 46), and there's no telling what they may do. When alcohol also enters the scene, the exploder is at his or her most dangerous and violent.
Exploders know intrinsically that it's only a matter of time before their whole world crumbles and they end up alone, scared and depressed because of all the chaos and destruction they have caused themselves and others.
Exploders need to learn:
æ To contain these overwhelming primitive feelings
æ To look at the bigger picture
æ Not to take things personally
æ To delay gratification
æ To sit in the discomfort of their own powerlessness, helplessness, fear, shame, hurt and anger
æ To make anger their ally
æ To stop seeing others as the enemy
æ To develop a healthy relationship with their shame and the contents of their shadow
æ To relax and meditate
æ To find healthy outlets for their aggression

If you would like to read more please buy a copy of my book Beating ANGER written by Mike Fisher or directly from Amazon