Anger and Spouses

We are in serious financial times. Businesses are closing. People are getting fired, laid off and/or replaced. Holidays are coming soon. Some families are facing foreclosure and/or repossession of their cars. Others are facing hunger and/or homelessness. There are stressors that make people angry day to day. Add larger uncontrollable factors and you have angry people.

Before exploring techniques for anger management, anger needs to be defined. The American Psychological Association defines anger clinically as an emotional state that varies in intensity. Psychologically, many theories of human development focus on the infant's struggle with anger and frustration and the primitive fantasies of aggression. So we grow up with anger. Anger surrounds us everyday - war, road rage, murder, domestic abuse, rape, violence, hatred - the list gets longer. Some spouses fly into a rage when anger. Other spouses show passive-aggressive traits. According to NIH passive-aggressive personality disorder is a chronic condition in which a person seems to meekly comply with the others wishes, but actually submissively resists them. So, given that anger is a human reality, what help can psychology offer in learning to cope with it?

Anger gives an adrenaline rush. In many cases it feels good to be angry. You're too full of yourself to be aware of the moment. This rush or this lack of awareness is what needs to be overcome. These feelings are intoxicating. Some spouses lean on anger so they don't have to feel shame, it is particularly hard to get people to let go of their angry displays. Man that loss his job and can no longer provide financial support for his family, may be anger.

Anger involves a feeling of righteousness; of being more powerful than your opponents by virtue of you being more right. Many aggressively angry people may feel self-righteous and superior. Many angry people don't want to delay gratification. They want gratification now and they think they have a right to it. They will continue the augment until the spouse gives up.

Anger is a social emotion deeply bound up with identity, and therefore with power relationships between spouses. Anger can be sparked in relatively powerless husband/wife as an alternative to feeling powerless. In this sense anger becomes a life-raft for self-esteem. Spouses can take anger into aggression to the point where they become a threat to society. The angry spouse will work to hold on to their anger so long as they see anger as a means to hold up their self-esteem and shield them from uncomfortable emotions like shame. This person becomes increasingly hostile and angry.

Maslow differentiated the growth need of self-actualization, specifically naming two lower-level growth needs prior to general level of self-actualization (Maslow & Lowery, 1998) and one beyond that level (Maslow, 1971). They are:

· Cognitive: to know, to understand, and explore;

· Aesthetic: symmetry, order, and beauty;

· Self-actualization: to find self-fulfillment and realize one's potential; and

· Self-transcendence: to connect to something beyond the ego or to help others find self-fulfillment and realize their potential.

Norwood (1999) proposes that Maslow's hierarchy can be used to describe the kinds of information that individual's seek at different levels. While Norwood does not specifically address the level of transcendence, it may be safe to say that individuals at this stage would seek information on how to connect to something beyond them or to how others could be edified.

Individuals at the lowest level seek coping information in order to meet their basic needs. Information that is not directly connected to helping a person meet his or her needs in a very short time span is simply left unattended. Individuals at the safety level need helping information. They seek to be assisted in seeing how they can be safe and secure. Enlightening information is sought by individuals seeking to meet their belonging needs. Quite often this can be found in books or other materials on relationship development. Empowering information is sought by people at the esteem level. They are looking for information on how their ego can be developed. Finally, people in the growth levels of cogntive, aesthetic, and self-actualization seek edifying information.

For anger management to work with spouses, they need to know how to be angry without being aggressive at the same time. Many people learn from their social environments that one is either submissive or antagonistic. Anger management works effectively when a spouse is working with someone who can conceive of being assertive instead of aggressive.

Is it your spouse with whom you are angry? If so, then you both should seek some professional counseling including anger management help. But often the anger is only directed at your spouse. Often the anger is coming from somewhere else, such as poor working environment, financial difficulties, medical problems, and/or other people. The spouse should identify the real source of the anger and seek help in dealing with that problem one step at a time.

Verbal and non-verbal communication is important to spousal relationships. When it comes to communication, what you say and what you don't say are equally important. Being a good listener is quite crucial. Getting validating feedback is important. Do you often find yourself misunderstanding others? Do you have difficulty getting your point across clearly? Communicating takes a lot of work and commitment. This process requires a vast selection of skills in intrapersonal and interpersonal processing, listening, observing, speaking, questioning, analyzing, and evaluating.

Cool off - you and your spouse may need physical space. If one spouse gets up to leave the conversation, let him/her go. The spouse may need a break from the nagging, yelling and ranting to control angry emotions.

Spouses need to realize they require help in the anger management process. Online resources are available such as the Mayo Clinic and National Anger Management Association. Your library or book store can suggest books, tapes and DVD.

Spiritual spouses may turn to your minister, pastor, rabbi or spiritual guide. Many of these individuals have degrees in psychology and/or counseling as well as theology. Some churches have support groups or mentors for spousal couples. This is beneficial if the spouse doesn't want family and friends involved. Other neutral individual is a marriage counselor, therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist. Your medical doctor or professional association can refer you to qualified professionals.