Angie's Hump Day AC Rant Feb 17

After last week's rant- that started out as a forum post and ended up to be a full-blown article- a lot of people suggested that I make this a weekly column. It was fun, it was silly, and it was quite cathartic. So here's this week's instalment. As always, there will be no refunds at the box office. And I believe the Angie Complaint Hotline crashed last week after all ten million people that can't stand me all tried to call at the same time. We'll try to get that line back up again soon.

It's quite possible I'll miss some weeks if I can't find 10 things that piss me off. However, I find that possibility highly unlikely.

1. Today's first item is a plea to all of the forum-lurking dine-and-dash ankle-biting complainers out there. Quit it. Participate in the discussion or don't. Don't whine about how others act in forums by exhibiting the same behavior. Never start your post with "I know I'll get attacked for this". Because, with that positive attitude, you likely will. And don't turn tail if someone actually has a differing opinion to yours or wants you to clarify your position. Pull up a chair, grab a beer and join in. Or don't. But don't complain about others joining in.

2. Part II of the above rant is about the word "attack". It's over-used in forums. Most participants will never see actual forum attacks because they are flagged and deleted. If many of the occasionally-viewing milquetoasts actually saw some of the truly nasty stuff that was posted and deleted, it would curl their dainty little toes. If your idea of someone attacking you in a forum is expressing a differing opinion than yours, you need to learn some basic social skills. I bet you're fun at parties too.

3. If you rarely are in the forums and you come there only to post a problem you're having, begin with the assumption that many others likely have the same problem. Even though you may believe you're the most important person in the world and your time is more valuable than everyone else's, take a few minutes to scan other recent forum threads to see if the problem is already being discussed. Join in an existing discussion rather than posting "This is happening to me. Anyone else having this problem?". You run the risk of looking like...an idiot.

4. If you feel the need to spam the forums with your company's awesome cheap shoes or almost-free software, here are a couple of tips. (1) Speak English- your lack of grasp of the native language of the forums gives you away. (2) Learn time zones- posting at 3 am Eastern Time will likely garner your stupid spam at least a few hours of viewing time. Posting it at 3 in the afternoon will get it deleted by admin almost instantaneously. Learn your job better. Anything worth doing is worth doing right.

5. Stop trying to look at page view updates at 4 in the morning. They may be done, they may not be done, they may be partly done. There's no way of guessing. And if they look weird at 4 am, step away from your keyboard for a few hours, go back to bed and look at them later. Did you really think the Help Desk was going to respond to your urgent page view emergency at 4 am?

6. Random non-AC -related rant: Someone needs to teach Sandra Lee on the Food Network some basic fricking math skills. Her stupid show about money-saving meals likes to present how buying ingredients differently saves a ton of dough. Sandra, honey, math isn't your strong suit. Being able to buy a whole chicken for $1.67 a pound and carving off the skinless boneless breasts does not in fact save you a boatload of money over just buying the skinless boneless breasts at $4.99 a pound. You have also just paid $1.67 a pound for the legs (which you could have bought at .99 a pound), the wings and thighs (which you probably could have paid $1.25 a pound for) and the carcass, which you wouldn't have bought at all. It's a good thing you never became an accountant.

7. Never start a forum post with "I know what it says in the submission guidelines but can we...". What you're really saying is "how can I get around the submission guidelines?" You can't. Quit trying. Put that effort into writing.

8. They're called "Frequently Asked Questions" for a reason. People frequently ask them. If you think your question may have been asked before in the history of AC and you haven't yet read the FAQ's, start there. As a bonus, it will probably answer the question you will undoubtedly have an hour from now. And the one after that.

9. For the love of all that is good and pure in the world, pry the L and the O keys off of your keyboard. If you truly laugh out loud that much, you should see a doctor. There's medication for that now.

10. PENIS- it's a real word. It's even PG-13. Look it up. More importantly, look down. If you have one, you are most likely not offended by the word. If you don't have one and happen to participate in forums where the word is used, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. There are several good AC tutorials on how to deal with penises in different ways. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Angie's AC Hump Day Rant Feb 10