Annoying and Dangerous Driving Habits

Are you a bad driver? If you fit into one of the categories described in this government-funded study, you may be the most dangerous driver on the road. The Barefoot Institute of Traffic Analysis and Scatological Research, LLC, a think-tank composed of some of the most brilliant minds available on work release, is due to publish an amazing survey that pinpoints the worst drivers on America's streets. Are you one?

In a precursory article to the new study, the Institute's chairman publicly promised to pursue government funding in July 2006. With a government grant secured in November 2006, the Institute proceeded to exhaustively survey dozens of streets in a couple towns (mostly between the chairman's house and that infernal Publix supermarket). The initial object of the study was to investigate the most dangerous driver of all...The Creeper.

The Creeper
The psychological profile of the creeper is a person who can't stop moving for more than 5 seconds. Traffic is an inconvenience for them. They use the creep to fool their addled brain into believing they are moving even when stopped a traffic light.

Signs that you are a creeper include:
Stopping 4 car lengths back at stop lights so you can roll forward 3 feet every 10 seconds.
Drifting forward because the lane beside you is moving regardless of the frozen traffic directly ahead.
Rolling slowly through stop signs regardless of cross traffic.
Hearing blowing horns and screeching tires from the afore mentioned cross traffic.
You are the jerk pulling out of the Shellmart that I almost hit on my way home tonight.
You are the jerk at the Shellmart that heard me lay down on my horn.
You are the jerk at the Shellmart that saw my naughty finger as you cursed at me for having the right-of-way.

Dangers of the Creeper:
Other drivers can not read your mind. If you don't come to a full stop, that cross traffic is going to slow down under the assumption that you are a idiot, maniac, or an idiotic suicidal maniac. The interesting thing is that the creeper does not realize they are prolonging their wait because other drivers are slowing down in expectation of crunching chrome.

The Extreme Left Turner
The psychology of this driver is a delusional theory that every outing in their Ford Escort is a chance to experience the thrill of NASCAR. They are easy to spot. This driver jumps off the line when given the left, green arrow. Instead of using their power steering to actually turn their car at a near-right angle, they bank across the opposing left-turn lane. They tend to remain on the wrong side of the yellow line for several yards or until the on-coming traffic forces them over.

Dangers of the Extreme Left Turner:
The only real danger here is if there is another car in the opposing left-turn lane. Even more entertaining is an approaching car that this moron doesn't see until the last second. There are two possible outcomes. One, over correction and the shoulder. Two, a little bumper on bumper action (disclaimer: bumper on bumper action is illegal in Utah). I don't care how you slice it, you just hit a parked car and any cop is going to write the report as such.

Doctor One Speed
This non-genius simply has poor depth perception. The world only looks right to their misfiring neurons when they travel at precisely 43 miles per hour. Interstate? 43mph. School zone? 43mph. Parking lot? 43mph. Autobahn? Dead. (This last calculation is based on the Imperial to Metric to Moron conversion chart.)

Dr. One Speed is the constant frustration of other drivers. They're too slow when traffic is fast and they're too fast when safety is required. Signs that you may be in this category of driver are the numerous dents in your rear bumper from frustrated interstate drivers and the 14 Hello Kitty pack-packs in your grill from the dwindling class at the recently renamed Blood Stain Elementary School.

These are the highlights of the pending report. April 15th is approaching. File early so the report can be funded in full.