Anorexia : This is My Life : Julie's Story

When I was in elementary school, I was known as being a little on the heavy side and was not very confident with anything I did because of it. Being the way that I was and being overweight made me angry inside. I felt like everyone was taunting, like I was the one who needed to be punished for being something that I felt I had no control over. I found out real quick that kids could be mean.

I wanted to change and I would do anything that it took to make myself better. I didn't realize that I could be happy just being me, I wanted the world to be my friend.

I found myself alone every night crying in my pillow, thinking of what it would be like to look like the model that was on the front page of my Cosmo magazine. I wanted to be like her, I wanted to be her. She was perfect in my eyes.

I realized that I had better do something about before it is too late.

My sister was the popular one with lots of friends. She was a little on the skinny side and always found fun in torturing me on what I had at first presumed as being just big boned. I was going to make myself skinnier than her. I was going to be perfect.

I found myself sneaking my mother's dieting pills at the age of twelve, hoping for a result. I then started to starve my already aching body. I had lost a little weight but I was on a mission to find the new me.

I once tried throughing up my food but couldn't force it up so I looked for another way. I had found one. I would start starving myself along with taking the dieting pills that I had stole from my mother's purse.

I pasted images of skinny models and idols all over my room. No one thought much about it. They all thought that I was going through a phase with famous people.

I finally started to shed off the weight. I was starting to get compliments on how good I was looking. I had to keep pushing myself to be better, and to be skinnier. I wanted to loose more weight.

When dinner time came, I would take my food to my room and wait a while and then flush it down the toilet. Dessert started to feel more and more like a punishment or a torture than a reward. I started exercising erratically. I pushed myself way past the point of exhaustion.

I was on my way to freedom and I didn't care what I had to do to get there.

I couldn't figure out why I was getting so weak. I was tired all the time and started to fail in school. I couldn't stay focused, I was too busy trying to think of new ways to loose weight.

This went on for over a year before my parents realized that something was wrong.

They decided that it was time to take me to a psychiatrist. I wouldn't admit it. I wouldn't even tell them that I was trying to loose weight. No one could know my secret of popping pills in groups of fives or that I found comfort in counting the days that I could go without eating.

It wasn't until the doctor measure my weight that they found out. I was in denial and I was trying to take them with me. I promised them that I would eat more but in reality I was telling myself to eat less.

Another three months went by before they had decided to admit me in a children's hospital so that I could seek treatment. I didn't want to go and made up every excuse that I could think of to get out of it. I even told my dad for the first time in my life, that I hated him. This was the first time that I had ever witnessed my dad crying. I didn't understand why he was crying, it was me who was suffering.

I found myself in a room with a girl who was going through the same thing. She was older than I was and had been admitted into four different rehabilitation center's. I remember thinking to myself that she was nothing but a pile of bones. I felt sorry for her and didn't understand how she even got this way. How could someone let themselves go like this?

I was there for a month before my roommate passed away from kidney failure. She had become my best friend and now I was once again, all alone in this big empty world.

The doctor held a moment of silence for her before we began our group counseling. I had a million questions that I wanted answered about her death and I wanted them answered now.

He explained to us about how the human body works and that it needs food to survive. He went on to explain the ways that this could have been prevented and how sad he feels each time something like this takes place.

I didn't want to die, I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to live so that everyone could see me being perfect. I descieded that it was time that I took a step to help myself. I formed a group unlike any that the doctor had. We called this group," wanting to survive". In this group, was kids like myself who wanted to live and live healthy.

We still exercised daily, but not more than ten minutes each day. We decided to have races on who ate there food the most throughout the the week. You didn't have to eat it all, just one fourths of it.

For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged. I was now on a mission, a mission to survive.

Another two months went by and I had never felt so free. I was going home, home where I belonged. I never regret being in there with all those kids who were just like me. It made me realize that life in itself was important and surviving it was more important.

I couldn't believe my journey that was ahead. As I walked into my room filled with all those pictures of skinny people, I whispered to my mom," these people have no clue as what they are missing out on." I began to tare them down and I made myself a solemn vowel that no matter what happens I will always love me for who I am and not what I look like.

Till this day I still can't believe that it took one young girl who had her entire future in front of her, to die before we realized what we were missing out on. She may have died but she saved us all in the process and for that I am thankful. I am just greatful that my name is Julie and I am still here to tell you that.

There is one percent of all girls that suffer from being anorexic and of that one percent, ten percent of them die. There is treatment available. I have found in my life long journey to freedom, that life is too short to be in that one percent.