Another Economic Stimulus Package

Bozone layers were at an all time high today, as leaders from the Department of the Treasury and President George W. Bush announced the latest plan to induce intaxication throughout the country through yet another cashtration mechanism to put people in homes they cannot afford.

President Bush continued on his journey to become known as the nation's leading ignoranus when he told the press "We are well pleased with the returning health of the banks across the country through taxpayer funding. But the Treasury is a little worried that so many of those taxpayers are losing their homes. Big challenge for the guy following me." [chuckle]

Economists from the University of Chicago issued this statement: "President Bush has been trying to engage the Dopeler Effect with the barrage of economic and bailout packages he sailed through Congress in his final months. Hopefully the American people will wake up before the entire nation needs a collective inocullatation."

"We are quite certain that President Bush will be reintarnated somewhere in Louisiana," said Prahit Mahindikar Ishtu, leader of the largest group of Hindus in the country. "This latest statement proves that President Bush's campaign promises were nothing but foreploy."

President-elect Obama responded "I'm sure George is quite pleased with himself," in a rare display of sarchasm. "His acts these last 8 years have led us down the path to karmageddon. His latest announcement as a lame duck is another example of his glibido."

During Bush's speech, vandals in a rare display of giraffiti managed to paint the upper turret of the Capitol Dome in bright pink flowers and daisies. "We're appalled," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, his caterpallor evident as he entered day five of his decafalon.

Inspired by the Washington Post's Mensa Challenge 2008 winning entries, which follow:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to begin with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.