Another Prophecy Revealed

If I see one more "documentary" splashed across the History Channel regarding "ancient prophecy" or "psychics" such as Edgar Cayce, I'm going to do my part to conserve energy by sending my television to Botswana.

By watching the so-called History Channel over the last few months I've learned that 1) the prophecies of the "Bible Code" can also be found in Moby Dick, 2) Nostradamus is 100% correct after the fact, 3) Edgar Cayce blew it with the "Atlantis will surface again" prediction, and 4) that, according to the Mayans, the world will end on December 21, 2012.

As a result of such dire warnings, I have decided that:

1) I will avoid reading the Bible and Moby Dick (or anything else by Melville) whenever possible.

2) People who spend their lives studying Nostradamus are really weird.

3) People who spend their lives studying Edgar Cayce are weirder than the Nostradamus junkies.

4) If the Mayans were so great at foreseeing the future, why didn't they predict that they would die off?

In a similar moment of reflection, I suspect that any day now con artist, is going to announce that the Obama administration is directly inspired by no one less than God Himself and was foretold in Chapter 10 of the Gospel of Matthew, where it says:

5. These twelve Jesus sent forth, and commanded them, saying, Go not into the way of the Gentiles, and into any city of the Samaritans enter ye not:
6. But go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.
7. And as ye go, preach, saying, the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.
8. Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons: freely ye have received, freely give.

5. "These twelve Jesus sent forth ..." obviously refers to President Obama and his cabinet of 15 members. The difference in numbers is due to the fact that Jesus' words were later overridden by another Messiah (Franklin Delano Roosevelt), who temporarily added a few disciples to The Twelve. The "go not" portions mean that the Gospel of Obama is not to be preached to the unworthy, but only to those who are ready to believe.

6."... lost sheep of Israel ..." is a reference to the United States' replacement of Israel as God's Chosen People, as proclaimed by the Prophet Jeremiah Wright.

7. "... preach, saying the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand ..." After wandering in the Wilderness of George W. Bush, the "New" New Deal is surely at hand and Obama will lead us into the New Land flowing with milk (whole, vitamin D added) and honey (organic).

8. This verse describes current events with an accuracy that beats Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, and the heathen Mayan Doomsday prophecy combined! You would have to be blind, not to mention being a capitalist blasphemer, not to recognize what is being revealed to you! "Heal the sick" (socialized medicine); "cleanse the lepers" (amnesty for illegal aliens); "raise the dead" (bail out GM, Chrysler, and Ford), "and cast out demons" (tax the greedy Scribes, Pharisees, and Wall Street executives out of a job and then nationalize the banks). What more proof do you need?

And that "freely received, freely give" part? Clearly, this means that as we freely receive our subsidies and make-work-projects funding for the Father on High, presiding over His Children from within the Pearly Doors of the White House, we must "render unto Caesar" by joyously remitting our taxes into His loving hands, where they will be redistributed to those that are worthy (and made the appropriate campaign contributions as well as voted for the right people).

After all that, I'm still looking for someone who can give me the numbers for this week's Poweball.