Another Sleepless Night

I ruminate throughout the night . . .
and never get to sleep.

And when I do I wake exhausted. . .
from counting all these sheep.

Thoughts of you that fill my head. . .
some I cherish, and some I dread.

Illuminate my darkest hour. . .
What was it that you said?

Still-life images of what was then. . .
before I tempted fate.

Painful thoughts of what came since. . .
that make me think you hate.

How can I tell you that I know. . .
and that I always have?

I didn't care and loved you still. . .
for that---forever glad!

And I have no regrets of us back then. . .
if I had the chance I'd do it all over again.

But differently, that's for sure!

Oh how different things would be. . .
if I only knew what we were about to endure.

And it hurts to know what I know now. . .
and I'll never understand just why.

I would have done "anything" for you. . .
without one single lie.

And I never looked you up again. . .
and played it off to all my friends.

But I was crushed and I know you know. . .
so don't try to pretend.

Over and over I thought it threw. . .
how could this ever be.

How could God send this awful plague. . .
that brought me to my knees.

The two of us now torn asunder. . .
until the very end.

By some tragic twist of fate. . .
too much to ever comprehend.

And after it all had taken it's toll. . .
I would never be the same.

And I wanted you to feel it too. . .
all the hurt and all the pain.

So I thought of a way to get you back. . .
and end me just the same.

Do you know how close we came?

But I could never hurt your heart. . .
And I hated myself for even thinking of such a thing.

And then you came to me in a dream. . .

We were walking hand-in-hand through a wide open field of tall thin grass and a colorful array wild flowers. The sunlight was dancing in your long wavy hair and your golden brown skin felt so soft and wonderful to touch. And then---letting go of my hand---you turned to me and slowly smiled as a solitary tear drop fell from your face.

And I knew---at that very moment---that you were hurting too.

I woke up in a cold sweat---shivering from head to toe---the window still open from the night before. And as crazy as it sounds---I just wanted to go back to sleep so I could find you again and somehow convince you to come back with me.

But I couldn't get back to sleep; no matter how hard I tried. . .

I couldn't get back to sleep.

I felt so miserable from everything that had happened. A misfortunate fortuity of circumstance. I wanted to be strong, but it was all just too much for me. And as I lay there for a while and finally began to calm down---I transcended into a momentary place of tranquility and asked God for His forgiveness.

So I try my best now each and every day and won't give up without a fight
to rid myself of this awful pain that haunts day and night.

And although I'm finally starting to feel a little bit better. . .
I know that I'm not quite right.

Like some long forgotten homeless drifter. . .
cursing at the wind.

My spirit broken beyond the point---I can't remember when.

Rambling on about this and that. . .
and things that should have been.

Every night I say a prayer and here I go again. . .
about to say another one for strength that comes within.

But nothing really matters to me anymore. . .
because all I really know for sure. . .
is that I miss you.

Even now--after everything. . .
I still miss you!