Antenatal Classes (it is the Gags that Make Them Great)

We sat in a big circle. The midwife handed each of us a small laminated card. She asked me to go first, which taught me a valuable lesson. If you're in a group setting, don't ever sit directly opposite the chairperson unless you don't mind going first.

A little embarrassed, I read out my card.

"I constantly feel I need to urinate. And it hurts."

I should have calmly followed this with an

"Oh, did you want me to read out my card?"

Unfortunately the surprise of having to go first, the general embarrassment, and the awkwardness of sitting in a circle of strangers all took their toll. The moment passed with my usual razor sharp wit nowhere to be found. What a shame. I was disappointed with myself.

A lady read out another question.

"Can my partner get into the birthing pool with me?"

The midwife said that was absolutely fine, as long as the man is wearing clothes or swim trunks.

"Damn" one guy muttered from across the room. That was funny, but it should have been my line. Dagnammit. I pulled myself together and determined that the next gag opportunity would be mine. Another card was read.

"I keep wetting my pants when I sneeze."

"Right then", said the midwife. "Who will admit to this." A few hands were raised, and the guy next to me comes out with

"Happens to me all the time."

A bit cliche, but funny nonetheless and I was beaten yet again. There is another session next week, and I WILL be ready. I will be the funny guy. There was one last card to be read out by the guy next to me. I focused my mind and pulled myself together, ready to take the floor, seize the moment, steal his thunder, and be the funny man of the antenatal class. The guy read out his card.

"I constantly need to go to the toilet during the night. Is there anything I can do about that?"

"Now is not the time.", I said, "You need to read out your card."

No-one laughed. What a bunch of uncultured humourless nitwits, I've got no time for them.

On the bus home we passed one of the rear exits of the hospital. We could see one couple from the session standing there behind sliding glass doors. The guy was frantically pushing a button but the doors were not opening. They must have followed signs to one of the exits, but it wasn't open at that time of evening. Now that was really funny.