Anti-Psychic for Hire

After many years of self-examination, concentration, and a little yoga I've discovered that I have absolutely no superpowers. I've tried to bend spoons with my mind, run like the wind, and travel through time, but to no avail. The one thing my journey as taught me is, having no superpower is a power unto itself.

I have discovered that I am the Anti-Psychic. I alone possess the ability to have nothing odd happen near me. You now expect proof. Well, that is easy. Here are my credentials:

Everywhere I go, nothing happens. No black helicopters; no psychic phenomenon; no ghost; no demons; no telepathy; no psycho-kinesis. I've yet to meet a yeti, extraterrestrial, troglodyte, vaporous apparition, or swamp monsters (including, but not limited to, the flying, glowing swamp globes or Nessie).

My wife insists she has the gift. She has short-term precognition, the ability to sense things 90 seconds before they happen. She feels the psychic vibe of old homes. She believes places have psychic memory. She says, "I haven't thought of Bonnie in ten years," just before, out of the blue, Bonnie calls. Strangely, she looses her powers when I am near.

I am the Anti-Psychic, nullifying psychic powers for yards around. I never get that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach when going down the basement stairs. I have never encountered anything in a dark wood that a whistle or loud footfall didn't send scampering. I went on a walking ghost tour in New Orleans and didn't feel a thing. The guide commented that every tour experiences at least one supernatural happening. There is no doubt why my particular tour was so dull.

With Halloween approaching, people's imaginations turn to the supernatural. Now is the perfect time to launch my new enterprise:

For Hire - The Anti-Psychic.
Do you have chills and foreboding fears? Does your basement contain dark, supernatural secrets? Are ghosts haunting your home? Are there bats in your belfry?

I will come and haunted-house, morose-mansion, or creepy-crypt sit. All supernatural phenomenons guaranteed to cease. Reasonable hourly or by-the-job rates.

Please send real email since I can't hear your thoughts. (Anti-Psychic remember?)

This is no scam. I'm not going to bring goofy electrical devices to your home. No cables will be run. No gimmicks. No light shows. Just little old boring me. I'll sit on your sofa or where ever you think the psychic energy is coming from and dispel it.

For sessions lasting more than four hours you will be expected to provide a baloney sandwich with mayo on white bread. Cheap, watered-down domestic beer is optional. If you'd like to watch a movie while I'm working we can do that too. Popcorn is encouraged. I can not be held responsible for any indentions left in your sofa.

Be free of your nightmares today! Hire the Anti-Psychic and rid you and your loved-ones of all the negative, supernatural energy that has been plaguing you. Let me restore peace, normality and averageness to your life.

Legal Disclaimer
Warning: Some clients have experienced strange odors during my sessions, but that's just the baloney and beer.