Anxiety and Depression

I thought I was fine. Driving down the freeway I came across a very narrow measure of bridge between my home and my job. I was nervous because there was a very hard concrete wall on one side of me and a huge 18 wheeler on the other side. There seemed to be only inches between me and the two hard places I found myself in between. I grasped the steering wheel of my van and began breathing very heavily. All of a sudden blood seemed to rush into my brain making my head buzz. My heart felt like it was trying to escape my body, pounding like a drum line. Hands were sweaty and all I could think of was escape.

I was scared out of my wits. I did not know what was happening to me. I thought for sure I was having a heart attack. As I think back I can still feel the nervousness of the moment. I had no choice but to take that route to work every day. It was literally my only passage, my town was separated from the mainland by water and the tunnel was closed down to be replaced by a larger bridge. The construction was not yet finished.

I am unemployed. I have carried many jobs since the one that caused me to drive over the narrow bridge. Each one started out wonderfully and ended up stressful. It seems that my own personality causes me much distress. I am a perfectionist and do not appreciate slackers, slow-pokes or angry people. If I do something I expect others to be able to do the same.

Always early, always stay late, always follow directions even if it imposes on my personal rights. Torn between the job I have to have and the family I have to have the job to support it makes my life full of responsibility. Now at home I find a new set of conflicts. I have discussed these things with my doctor who diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This particular disorder, GAD, is marked by anxious behavior, anger, and stress that stems from nearly everything that does not fit into the little niche I've decided is the proper way to do things. I have to learn to let go and allow others the ability to do their thing.

I am angry all the time. People bring their own angry words, their own prejudice ideas and their own angry sentiments into my world which causes me distress. On occasion I walk away from the whole thing and hide in the dark, trying to keep calm. I cannot even walk into my own kitchen without being angry about something.

No matter what I choose to do, clean the house, bake pie for holidays, or work, something always seems to get in the way of my peace. I do not feel I suffer from clinical depression but the signs are clear that there is something wrong with the way I think about things. I even tried to make fun of my stress by making remarks about magic fairies that walk around and fix what the "men" in my home do wrong. I get upset if shoes are in the middle of the floor, or a cheese wrapper is on the newly cleaned counter top. Anger possesses my mind, my body, and my soul. I feel as though I am vibrating, ready to burst at any second. And those seconds are the ones where everyone seems to push my buttons instead of reading the signs and walking away.

There is no support group for me. I am my own support group. So I try to maintain, try to keep myself busy and try to stay away from the human stressors that live under my roof. I want a job, but I don't want to work. I don't feel like it should always be my responsibility to pay the bills, to maintain the household, to mow the lawn, to make the phone calls, work my butt off and come home to a messy life. I even took over a room and made it my tiny office. It is OK though. I am not bothered by smaller spaces. This space is 5 1/2 x 8 open space. Not terrible. It was the laundry room.

I have no privacy, I have no silence, no peace. If I ask for quiet I get disrespect. This causes me to withdraw more into the thoughts I have inside me. I am not suicidal. I choose other thoughts. I wish to live alone, to have no one bother me at all. I wish my phone would not ring when I have a pressing paper due for my Psychology classes. It is terrible that I even understand what anxiety and depression are but I am unable to control my feelings of stress that come from outside.

I am afraid if I do get another job that the terrible cycle will just come back again. I get to the point of debilitation in my mind. I want everything to work out fine. I want to sit down, do my job and enjoy my solitude. When there is no peace in my mind, then the stress causes more anxiety.

Tomorrow is a holiday. Daughters and their boyfriends will be coming into my home and my right-wing son will try to have his way with the Democrat boyfriend. He'll say negative things, will make my daughter upset, there will be a fight and all I wish for is a peaceful and functional holiday. I wish that everyone would find a way to respect each other. If they do that then my anxiety levels may stay under the table, and manageable.

Each job I've had causes me stress. Each boss I have is either over critical or too bossy. I am working on writing. Writing gives me pleasure and it gives me peace. But the peace is oftentimes interrupted by my husband, my son, my grandson, or my phone. It never ends. Xanax to the rescue, but I truly don't wish to use drugs. I'd rather just have my family listen to what I am saying.

Anxiety is a chemical imbalance, or it is an environmentally created stress that one cannot manage. I have felt it, I know what it is, and I do not wish it on anyone.