Anxiety Disorders and Depression: Online Education About Medications and Side Effects

I have first hand experience dealing with depression and anxiety. Growing up I was always shy. I was so shy I wouldn't hold up my hand in class if I had to go to the bathroom. When I was nine years old my parents divorced. Me, my mom and my sister traveled all the way from Illinois to California. My parents didn't tell me they were divorcing. I thought we were just going to visit my grandparents in California. It was my first time traveling in an airplane and I was kind of excited and scared at the same time. I didn't really get to say a proper good-bye to my dad and my favorite grandma, (who was crying her eyes out). I learned about the the divorce once we were in California.

Adjustments and an Abusive Relationship

Me and my sister adjusted to our new situation. Shortly after moving to California, my mom met a man she fell in love with, but he decided he didn't think things would work out. My mom was crushed and vulnerable. We found out my dad remarried, (not from my dad), but from my aunt. My mom was very vulnerable and her self esteem crushed. My mom rushed into marrying a man who abused me, my sister and my mother. Thank goodness my mom divorced him after a year. In those days you didn't think about going to counseling or talking about abuse. Everything was just pushed under the rug as they say, like it never happened. People are more educated and aware of abuse these days, thank goodness.

Marraige Number Three

After this experience I became less interested in school and was extremely shy with people I didn't know. I also felt nervous often. My sister decided to move back to Illinois to live with my dad and his new wife. My mom remarried again and I really liked this man. I looked up to him and he was very good to me. He drank beer all the time, but it didn't seem to affect him. My sister moved back with us after three years. Her experience living with our dad and step mom didn't work out very well. She started hanging out with the wrong crowd and using drugs. Our step dad started drinking more and his whole personality changed. I couldn't take living with a drug addict, an alcoholic and a mother who was in complete denial.

History Repeats Itself

I ended up getting married when I was only nineteen. I thought I was in love and we were best friends, but the passion wasn't there. After ten years we divorced. I became so depressed and anxious I couldn't sleep or eat. I was losing weight. I ended up going to counseling, where I received inadequate counseling and a medication called Klonopin. I felt like I was going crazy, I was depressed and afraid to talk to people. I was easily stressed and cried a lot. Sometimes I felt like there was someone behind me and I would actually look over my shoulder. Logically I knew there was nothing to fear, but I was couldn't help feeling afraid.

Love or Lust?

I moved in with my mom as a roommate. I was hestitant at first as I didn't fully trust her. We made the move and we got along great. My ex-husband and I became friends and I got a job I really wanted. My life became stable for awhile. I didn't take medication anymore. I then met a guy at church and had my rebound relationship. The sex was great, but that was it. I don't regret it, but it turned out to be lust, not love.

How to Know When it's Time to Seek Counseling

I had a few dates after that relationship, but nothing serious. Abourt six years later I started dating a co-worker who had just separated from his wife and had three kids. I knew I shouldn't get involved in this, but I went full steam ahead and got involved with him and his three adorable daughters. It was great at first, but started going downhill fast. The good times were great and the bad times really bad. We broke up after nine months and I had to see him everyday at work. I was very depressed and cried constantly and tried to get back together with him. I couldn't get over it.

How to Know When You've Found the Right Counselor

I decided I needed some help and sought out counseling again. I was lucky to find a great counselor. I told her about my current depression and my abusive past. She told me she also had been abused as a child and I knew instantly she was the right counselor for me. We worked through all my past and present issues, using writing, reading out loud to her what I had written, interpreting dreams and of course talking. I first went through individual counseling and later moved on to group therapy. I felt real support from my counselor and the group. A good counselor can be a real life saver. Once I completed my therapy I had new tools to use to handle my problems and my relationships with people.

The Return of Anxiety and Depression

During my counseling I began to experience increased depression and anxiety again when I was laid off from a job where I worked for ten years. I loved that job and would have stayed there till I retired. I quickly got another job, which was very stressful and I started eating a lot, gaining weight, becoming very depressed and extremely anxious. At this point I tried taking Paxil, which made me feel so much worse, I had to stop and it took me a week to recover from it enough to go back to work. Then a bunch of us were laid off from that job.

Work History Repeats Itself

It was actually good timing getting laid off from this last job since I was getting depressed and very anxious again. My anxiety was getting worse and I had a hard time talking on the phone without becoming very nervous. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I felt afraid all the time and depressed . I started taking Wellbutrin and it took about a month before it made my depression feel somewhat better. I was on unemployment for almost a year and then had to go on disability due to having a hysterectomy. I had endometriosis and two large egg sized cysts, one in each fallopian tube. My periods had become so painful, I could barely sit or walk upright without some strong medication. I was anxious about having an operation, but ready for the surgery due to the pain. Time for instant menopause and hot flashes, but no more pain.

Stress and More Stress

My unemployment finally ran out and I was not able to get an extension. I lived on my own, so I ended up going to six different temp agencies and got a job at the last one I went to. When I started work it was not very stressful at first, but gradually it became more and more stressful. I became more depressed and anxious. I felt like a dark cloud was hanging over my head and I felt like crying all the time. My anxiety was getting so bad that I had a hard time talking and would actually lose my voice.

Family History

I started having to go home from work because I couldn't handle it. During this time my sister was diagnosed with cancer and she ended up being terminal. I didn't know what to do about my increasing anxiety, so I went back to my counselor who had always given me great advice. I let her know I had tried herbal medications, yoga, etc. I let her know about my job situation and my sister. Since, I had been through seven years of counseling already, she felt it was possible I was born with a predisposition for anxiety and depression. My sister also suffered from depression and anxiety and I later found out my mom and her mom had it as well.

Searching for the Right Doctor

My counselor recommended I go to an Endocrinologist. He also felt my depression and anxiety was inherited. He prescribed Zoloft and gave me Xanax. The Xanax didn't help at all, but the Zoloft kicked in after a few weeks and my depression went away. It felt so good to not be constantly depressed. I suddenly felt motivated and energetic, able to think more clearly and I didn't feel like a dark cloud of sadness was hanging over me any longer.

Barely Functioning at Work

The Xanax did not work, the doctor then gave me Valium. I could take five Valium tablets, (a total of 50 mg), which would knock most people out. My anxiety kept getting worse and I just couldn't hardly talk at work in my normal voice, it was like a croaking sound. I felt like I couldn't breath and like my mind and body were just racing in high gear. It was very hard to function at work, especially since I was working in customer service on the phone all day and waiting on customers at the front counter.

Over the Edge

Sadly, my sister passed away. This was the first time I ever watched and experienced someone this close to me die. I was amazed how I found an inner strength each time I visited her. One good thing that came out of this experience was that it brought my family closer together, what better gift could you ask for. I went back to work after a couple of days. About a week or so later, my boss told me I should start looking for another job. I went home that night and I totally lost it. I called my doctor, my counselor, my best friend and my mom.

Trial and Error

My mom came over and spent the night with me. I continued working until my doctor gave me a written note that I was to go on disability. After this my doctor tried different medications for my anxiety, Buspar, a higher dosage of Zoloft, and nothing worked. Every time I tried something new I had to go through the side affects first and then when it didn't work, I went through the withdrawl, including nausea, migraine headaches, feeling weak and even more anxious and depressed.

Don't Give Up Hope

The endocrinologist then sent me to a psychiatrist after trying all these medications without any success. I was lucky to get a really good doctor. He tried different medications for me as well and I had to go through the side effects and withdrawls again. Finally the doctor had me try a medication called Neurontin, which did help my anxiety somewhat. The doctor and I agreed to stick with the dosages of medications I was currently taking, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Neurontin and Valium. He said I had the worse case of Anxiety Disorder he had ever seen.

I Don't Have to Work Anymore

So, I am happy now, not depressed. When I go out I take the Valium. A couple of times I have had to adjust the medication. I had to decrease the Wellbutrin due to side effects and I had to recently increase the Zoloft by a half a pill more due to feeling my depression coming back. No one can really understand how it feels and affects you unless you've experienced it for yourself. I still have enough anxiety that I need to take 50mg of Valium when I have to go out and talk to people. Also when I have to talk on the phone with people I don't know, even with the Valium my voice is still shaky. I am lucky I now live with my roommate, who happens to be my ex-husband and best friend. I couldn't have made it through all this without my counselor, doctors, friends and family. I couldn't afford to live on SSDI living by myself.

Statistics

Statistics show that Anxiety Disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States with 19.1 million (13.3%) of the adult U.S. population being affected. Causes of Anxiety Disorders stem from heredity, brain chemistry, personality and life experiences. There are a range of symptoms, including fear, excessive energy, nausea, heart palpitations, difficulty concentrating and sleeping. Symptoms of depression may include fatigue, loss of energy and motivation, weight loss or weight gain, overwhelming sadness, hopelessness, loss of interest and pleasure in normal activities, headaches, sleeping too much and even suicidal thoughts.