Anyone Want a Good Fight?

Following here are some good guidelines for productive fighting that, if you follow will help you resolve issues that invariably arise in any close relationship.

Fight only about ONE subject at a time and then STICK to that subject. If you have a great long list you'd like to tackle just do only one thing at a time. Often when one thing has been resolved many others fall into line too. Don't go round in circles getting nowhere.

Tell who you are fighting with how YOU FEEL using an "I statement". For instance "I feel disappointed, sad, whatever". NEVER make accusations by using 'you are statements" such as saying "YOU are lazy, dishonest, whatever". Own your own feelings - this means starting your sentences with "I feel" - not "YOU make me feel".

Choose the time very carefully. Make sure it is a time when you will be alone and away from distractions. Keep your fights private.

No BLAMING. This means absolutely no blaming at all. Stick to those "I messages". Tell your partner how you feel when they do particular behaviours. For instance, "WHEN YOU don't keep to an agreement or promise I FEEL very upset and disappointed (or really, really f********** off)".

NEVER think you can read your partner's mind. Let them do that for themselves. It is their responsibility to tell you how they feel.

NEVER expect your partner to be able to read your mind either.

NO INSULTS !! No talking your partner down, being sarcastic, humiliating or belittling them. And this really does mean never. Insults are completely counter productive.

Don't bring up past fights to use as ammunition for this one.

Don't hit below the belt by bringing up you partner's weaknesses repeatedly.

Don't have unrealistic expectations.

Take turns at LISTENING; really listening and hearing what the other is saying. If you feel your partner isn't listening ask them to repeat back to you the point you are making. If they repeat it back correctly accept that and move on. If they repeat it back incorrectly repeat yourself. Continue this till they can successfully repeat back what you have said. THEN let them have their turn.

NO physical violence!!! If you feel yourself getting too heated take TIME OUT. Go for a walk. Come back only when you're cooler.

Don't use "time out" as an excuse to duck the fight. You need to agree to continue as soon as you have cooled off. Or in the next 24 hours or so - even if this means that you need to re-book a time.

Finally; if, in your relationship you often fight outside of these guidelines then PLEASE go find a good, expert counsellor.