Apologies

Nobody is exempt from making a mistake, from hurting the feelings of a loved one or a friend, from creating a situation that brings pain and/or misery to others. Most of the time, after realizing that we are at fault, we offer humble apologies for the offending action and hope for the best outcome.

There are those who refuse to apologize for anything they bring about that injures another person. They see it as some form of weakness and vulnerability. Backing down is not an option. Sadly, theirs is a world of absolutes, right versus wrong, black and white. There are no gray areas for some.

I would argue that admitting ones mistakes leads to a better understanding of ourselves and our relationship to those around us. Taking the initiative to say oops, I'm sorry, (and mean it) is a humbling experience as well as cleansing for the mind, spirit, and soul. It's an act of giving, that demands introspection and self evaluation if done properly. When extending an apology, we must open ourselves fully to the actions and reactions of those receiving it, whatever the final result.

Two problems arise when dealing with apologies. Both are derivatives of the false expectancy of outcome. First, there's insincerity. Saying I'm sorry for harming another, mentally or physically, should not roll off the tongue lightly. It should not be an automatic response to getting caught in the act of the transgression. Too often you hear a quickly uttered apology with no hint of true remorse. It's sad that we speak those words when we are not really sorry for the act. Just as often, we make little or no attempt to put in place measures to keep the offending action from happening again, and again, and again. Sometimes we give an apology just because we think it's what we should do whether we feel like it or not. It become a ritual, an insincere ritual. If at it's core it's only window dressing, then we should think twice about offering it at all until our motivations change.

The second problem comes from expecting a specific outcome from our offerings. What we fail to realize is that an apology is largely a gift. It should be a humble offering to another, with no expectations attached. Upon giving, the receiver owns it, to do with it as he pleases. She may not be in the right frame of mind to accept it fully and offer forgiveness. He may be too injured from what transpired and might need help from a counselor to get past the pain and resentment of the moment. The recipient may possess a strong passive/aggressive personality trait that gets in the way of seeing what we offer, and uses it as something to hold over our head for a time. In any case, all we can do is leave our offering at the door. The gift has been given. A humbling gift if given in the proper context.

Receiving an apology has it's own pitfalls, from using the act as a mental/emotional weapon, to looking deep inside, toward our own motivations and resultant mistakes. The later can bring up some truly disturbing feelings from deep within our subconscious minds if we really address issues we have with full and open reception. Introspection can be scary, yet if done carefully, and with the help of qualified guides and counselors when needed, it can be eye-opening to anyone. It's never easy to admit that we could use some improving, especially when we were the one wronged. Yet when we do, we often find ways to make the remainder of our life journey better than we could have imagined.

Ah, the apology - simple in theory, complicated when placed in personal and social context of the connected events. Honesty must be a key player. Is the apology offered in true regret and the hope of forgiveness? Is it received in the manner in which it was given, if given openly? Those are questions that the giver and the receiver should be asking of themselves. If you are really sorry, then you will try your best to make sure that whatever you did won't happen again. If you are really accepting of the offering, then you will work your hardest to let it go, and not bring it up in future conflicts. Human interaction is never simple, but looking beyond the moment for another perspective can help.

"I'm sorry." - - (Really? Are you sincere?)

"That's okay." - - (Do you mean it? I hope so.)