Appearances Can Be Deceiving: The Face Within

Many years ago in a posh New York City restaurant bustling with activity, nestled in Midtown Manhattan, two doctors , met to have lunch. The tables were scrunched up against each other to accommodate the hungry hordes from the streets. Conversations were easily overheard.

" Remarkable kid. She's had 31 operations. Facial reconstruction. And so well-adjusted, too. Charming young girl," stated the dapper, articulate doctor in his fine tailored suit.

"Incredible, "replied the other doctor, still clothed in hospital whites, having just finished his morning rounds at a nearby hosptial. "She's such a good sport."
My late uncle Eddie, sitting within earshot, was unable to contain himself any longer. "That's my niece you're talking about," he blurted out proudly.

What was it that enabled this young girl to triumph over tragedy?

Some of the operations were very necessary to correct a birth defect. Some were a result of a surgeon's inablity to perform. Other operations at New York Hospital Cornell Medical Center were done to make her look beautiful. Her well-intentioned mother had thought just one more operation would make it all better. Just one more, and her daughter would be perfect.

It wasn't just the surgeries that were difficult to endure but the attitudes of society as well. At school, she wasn't just called fat or ugly". She was called "deformed" by her fellow classmates who would later be students at Brown and Yale Universities. Some teachers thought she was mentally retarded. Her mother was told that her birth was a punishment from God. At times she felt like a monster.

A friend told me once that the word "mutation" comes from the Greek meaning "monster." The fear pf disability is deep within the subconscious mind, and it is still with us today. A lot has changed throughout the years, but sterotypes still pervail. In "The Lion King", it is Uncle Scar who is evil.

Does this fear of being different make us all want to live in a perfect society, a perfect world?

Eighteen percent of deaths among young women are caused by anorexia nervosa because they feel they are not perfect. They hate themselves because they don't fit some artbitrary definition of beauty. If the culture of our parents is repulsed by us because we are different in some way, then we begin to internalize this hatred within ourselves.

Among botanists, the word mutation is a positive term. It is called a sport. When we think of the word sport, we think of a person as being "a good sport" or as having spirit for the game at hand. A kind of spirit that creates. A spirit from within.

Language creates life. When we think in terms of only good/evil, black/white, either/or, male/female, we are thinking within a linear paradigm or model. When linear paradigms or ways of thinking are used to categorize people, this is debilitating.

In paradigms of circularity, a person looks at himself as a whole with authentic contributions. A dialogue can be set up within society among people of different races, among spouses, gays and heterosexuals. Any human being considered to be different. This can be enpowering.

Herman Hesse once wrote that every human being "represents the unique, the very special and always significant and remarkable point at which the world's phenomena intersect, only once in this way and never again."

Empathy is Evolutionary. It allows the spirit to thrive. If you know a young girl, whether she be Caucasian, Asian or African American, tell her that it is her brains, feelings and creativity that are most important--- that will make her a sucess. And most of all her spirit.

That young girl, many years ago, was a good sport. Within her was the spirit to survive, the spirit of creation, that enabled her to triumph over tragedy. Today, you wouldn't necessarily know what she had endured just by looking at her. Appearances are deceiving.

I know her very well---her strengths, her vulnerabilities. I know her well, for this young girl was me.