Apple Releases Plans for Their Next Major Invention: The ICar

Faced with the lukewarm attitude and double-entendres toward the iPad this year, Steve Jobs will reportedly reveal the consolidation of all Apple innovations into one place: An electric car. In partnership with Honda, what's being called the iCar was originally slated for release in 2012. Now it's being fast-tracked for an unknown date before 2012 with a prospective Steve Jobs international press conference a week before release. The specs for the iCar, however, have leaked early to various media outlets. Your infinitely curious writer managed to get a copy early before cease and desist notices ensue.

Included, also, are the stage plans for Jobs' press conference in how he'll sell the iCar to the world.

You're about to read about the "most consolidated and largest gadget in the world" as Steve Jobs will reportedly describe his iCar:

Introduction of the iCar on stage

All media attending will be told that Steve Jobs will enter the stage in the iCar. Reportedly, it'll have an exterior body resembling a hybrid of a Honda Accord and a giant iPod when seen from above. It'll also be slightly larger than standard electric cars, though capable of holding six people, or what's being called the equivalent of "300 iPhones going for a drive."

With tinted windows, press conference attendees will assume Steve Jobs is inside the car as it enters from stage left. Instead, they'll see all four car doors open concurrently while a group of miniature Steve Jobs look-a-likes exit and scatter across the stage. Following confusion from the audience, Jobs will appear in a descending cloud from the stage backdrop. This, courtesy of special effect teams from Los Angeles with the intention of prompting rumors whether Jobs is really alive or somewhere in-between.

A camera will be placed inside the car to beam images of the exterior iCar features on a big screen in the facility and simultaneously beamed to car dealerships around the world. According to official documents, car dealers made a special deal with Apple as a respite from the failed Cash for Clunkers program.

Car dealerships will make the press conference a national holiday with concurrent press conference watching parties in selected dealerships nationwide. Crackers and fruit juice will be provided by Apple to all dealership viewing parties.

iCar Exterior:

Jobs will first take the audience on a thorough tour of the exterior. A top view of the car resembles a third-generation iPod, complete with a panoramic window in the top front and spare tire in the top center to represent the iPod's respective display window and circular click wheel. As an option, there's also a giant pair of earphones that attach to the rear's exterior that enables you to listen to music while you pump gas. Itunes will officially be loaded into the car and showcased in the interior later.

The headphones also double as a pair of jumper cables, but only if you play the loudest Death Metal album. Jobs will assure everybody that iTunes will offer the most intense Death Metal albums in the world to download for a flat rate of $10.

On the front of the car will be headlights in the shape of the famous Apple logo. Because The Beatles threatened to sue Apple again if they used the apple logo on the iCar, a compromise was reached with the surviving Fab Two. The left headlight will be shaped as a Beatle whole apple, and the right headlight will be shaped as an Apple apple with a bite taken out.

As further compromise exclusive to iCar users: The Beatles agreed to unlimited free downloads on their catalog once their songs are made available to iTunes in 2173. Jobs is already designing 10^th generation iCars to accommodate this exciting and groundbreaking deal.

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Side mirrors will employ cutting-edge technology employing Apple's Safari browser. This means the ability to not only browse the net, but also accessing live cams of traffic behind or ahead of you so things will look bigger than they really appear.

Earlier mentioned doors on the car open vertically to allow roomier and easier access into the interior of the car. It's designed akin to an Apple store turned warm and inviting technological family living room.

iCar Interior:

Utilizing all of Apple's technology from beginning to present, the highlight of the interior will be the steering wheel employing a touch screen in the center section. Called the iSteer, the 16x9 touch screen in the steering wheel's center will do away with all lukewarm reactions to the iPad as being redundant. Embedded will be Wi-Fi technology enabling internet and phone calls without having to use Bluetooth. Send tweets on Twitter to other drivers or emailed files telling or showing them how you really feel.*

*Note: Only fellow and first-generation iCar users will be able to communicate with one another based on unique ID numbers on each car. However, full names will be used in all e-communications to uphold Apple's emerging philosophy of lifting the veil of the internet.

Jobs will announce a special feature on the iSteer to prevent states from passing laws to outlaw it based on driving distraction. The touch screen will feature the new iVoice that informs you to look up when you get too close to a pedestrian, bicycle or cross a lane line. Jobs will demonstrate the iVoice's ability to deflect the F word back at the driver when an irate driver attempts to shut it down out of annoyance.

The iVoice will only sing "Daisy Bell" when a certified iCar technician shuts it down. This is to be followed by the iVoice's utterance of the S word to confirm complete and official shut-off.

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In the center dashboard of the iCar will be a digital satellite radio embedded with iTunes software. It's here where you can download any song for a slightly elevated fee of $3 a song. The earlier-featured headphones will also be available in a stylish set located in a compartment below the iTunes/radio screen. Volume can be jacked up using a new Apple invention: iEarVibration. This technology mimics the feeling of blasting a deep bass in your car without bothering passing drivers.

Jobs will caution that the iEarVibration technology may cause one's entire head to visibly throb to intense beats. This technology shall not be used in busy traffic to prevent curious passing drivers from snorting guffaws in a busy intersection.

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On the passenger side, Jobs will demonstrate a built-in Mac computer on the dashboard that can be detached and placed in the passenger's lap. This also has Wi-Fi internet capability and every pre-loaded software Apple normally provides. An iAirbag will deploy from the Mac screen (and iSteer) if the iCar has a collision.

A new Mac feature by Jobs called iWillNotArgue features real-time maps that give accurate directions to anywhere you go using a male voice. This prevents sibling fights over GPS discrepancies and arguments whether the husband is having another affair with a sensual female GPS voice. The iWillNotArgue voice is interchangeable, depending on sexual preference.

Add-ons as works in progress

Add-ons to the iCar are still being debated at press time. The reason is Jobs' battle to keep any misunderstandings and double entendre titles away from the iCar as the iPad endured.

At issue is the iStick, a feature used in stick-shift editions of the iCar that enables extra gears to navigate virtually every kind of terrain.

Issues also developed with the iWii--a new partnership with the Wii that allows an innovative and interactive exercise program in the car to prevent frequent bathroom breaks.

The iQ and the iSuck add-ons that feature a challenging interactive trivia game and side-door straw dispenser are said to be dealing with technical issues than quality title problems. Apple is considering interchanging the titles.