April 2008 - Part 2

The federal government released the scores of writing tests given to eighth- and 12th-graders nationwide last year which show that more middle- and high-school students understand the basics of writing. When asked to comment on the improvement of scores, a teenager said, "That's like, you know, totally whack."

The International Maritime Bureau, which tracks piracy, said in its annual report global pirate attacks rose 10 percent in 2007, marking the first increase in three years. Great, we're just getting a handle on terrorists and now we have to start worrying about pirates? What's next? Vikings? Huns? Highwaymen? I guess we know who we can blame for this: Hollywood. Really, pirates, terrific, another group Barrack Obama can reach out to.

According to a report from The National Taxpayers Union, the average person spends more than a day and more than $200 collecting, calculating and compiling information for the IRS. Unless you use the same guys as Wesley Snipes, then it takes no time at all. And in other taxing subjects, Treasury watchdogs stated that there are poor controls over IRS computers a disgruntled person could hack into the tax system. But, hey, it's the IRS, who could possibility have a grunge against the IRS?

After 19 years of the media's and Al Gore's campaign to scare the world about global warming, a new Gallup poll says that the same amount of people, one third, say they worry about global warming a great deal. So you know what that means? Time for Al to break out the hypno-glasses.

A new study has found that eating a good breakfast dramatically increases a woman's chances of having a son rather than a daughter, which is good news for McDonald's as they introduce their new "McBun in the Oven" breakfast sandwich.

Kellogg's is bringing out an Indiana Jones Cereal as a promotional tie-in to the movie. The box features Harrison Ford with his whip. If it's successful, Kellogg's may next introduce fruit flavored "Dominate-TRIX."

Crime on Parade

A group of 3^rd graders were charged with conspiracy to commit aggravated assault after an elaborate plot to knock out, handcuff and stab their teacher was uncovered. Officials aren't sure if 8, 9 and 10 year old children can be jailed for this, but most agree that watching the Lifetime movie of the incident, the "Law and Order" version of the incident and the "Dateline" specials about the incident will be punishment enough.

Texas authorities raided a compound founded by jailed polygamist sect leader Warren Jeffs and authorities took legal custody of 401 children and 133 women. The sect believes the apocalypse is near, and they will have to start over when the world is destroyed. This is all part of the polygamist's "leave no wife behind program." At the compound older men took multiple young teenage girls as wives and made them live in an isolated compound growing their own food and sewing their own clothes. Why is it that all the good ones are either gay or married, married, and married?

In Sunnyvale, California, a man was forced cut down the perfectly healthy redwood trees on his property when his neighbor installed solar panels and the trees blocked the sun. And it's all legal under "The California Solar Shade Act." Don't you hate it when trees get in the way of ecology?

Despite fairly inactive 2006 and 2007 hurricane seasons, Hurricane forecasters at Colorado State University are predicting seven Atlantic hurricanes, three of them major, during the 2008 season, believing that the Atlantic basin is still in an active hurricane cycle. Right. These guys can't predict rain for tonight but I'm going to listen to them about hurricanes 3 months from now.

And in sports, construction workers at the new Yankee Stadium had to jackhammer away a concrete section to dig up a Boston Red Sox Jersey that was put into the wet cement by a worker who was a Red Sox fan and was hoping to jinx the new ball park. The Yankees hiring a Red Sox fan to help build the stadium? I hope Homeland Security is doing a better job of screening people. After they found the shirt, they also found Jimmy Hoffa.

Another mosque in Iraq was the site of another explosion but this time the local authorities said it was an accident, that it was just old ammunition stored inside the mosque that was leftover from the Iran-Iraq War. But not to worry, they'll be able to hold services in the near-by armory. And to think, my church gets worried if we store too many folding chairs there.

Law makers makin' laws:

Rep. Patrick Kennedy stated that his personal struggles to recover from depression, alcoholism and substance abuse have made him a more compelling advocate in Congress for improved mental health care coverage. So that's what we need to do; elect more unbalanced people to Congress.

Democrats in Congress were split over how to respond to the housing crisis, with Senate leaders wanting to give away lots of taxpayer money, while House leaders want to give away lots and lots of taxpayer money.

The French parliament has adopted a bill that would make it illegal for anyone - including fashion magazines, advertisers and Web sites - to publicly incite extreme thinness. So, Jenny Craig, watch your back. The TV show, "France's Next Top Model" is fighting the bill. The bill's sponsors were Ben and Jerry. Oh, well; "Viva la Fats!"

The Louisiana state Senate rejected a bill would have made it a crime to wear one's pants too low. Well, done, Louisiana. It's hard enough keeping the government off of our backs without having to worry about keeping them out of my pants as well.

Gems from Iran

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has yet again made comments questioning the U.S. version of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, calling it a "a suspicious event" and a "building collapse" that needed to be looked into. I see somebody's been reading Rosie O'Donnell's blog again. Which reminds me, last year President Ahmadinejad claimed in a speech in the US that there were no gays in Iran. Meanwhile, Amnesty International reports that Iran had the highest number of execution of homosexuals in last year. So I guess Ahmadinejad didn't mean there were no gays, he just meant that they were working on it. Maybe it wasn't a statement, maybe it was a campaign promise; so he wasn't stating a fact, he was stating a goal. And that's not all, Ahmadinejad also said the country's economic woes can be solved by the "culture of martyrdom," with Iran's people dying or being killed for their religious beliefs. Sounds like a plan. Anything we can do to help? Not only will it solve the country's inflation, but it will free up a lot of parking spaces.

The world's oldest tree has been found in Sweden, a 9,500 year old spruce that started growing just after the end of the last ice age. Which is pretty amazing when you consider the fact that the earth is only 6,000 years old. And you can still see the spot where John McCain carved his initials. This tree may force scientists to re-think global warming, or would have until Al Gore chopped it down because it was blocking his solar panels.

As part of a class assignment, a student at the University of Maine covered a hallway with dozens of American flags to see if pedestrians would around the flags or on them and was surprised by strong reactions against the project. Boy, if she thought people got angry about that, it's a good thing she didn't go with her first idea; a welcome mat with the face of Mohammed on it.

It was reported that Prince William, heir to the English throne, landed an air force helicopter on his girlfriend's parents' lawn during a training flight. Which kinda reminds me of the time one of the Kennedys drove into my front hedge. But, not for nothing, didn't we fight a revolution so we wouldn't have to care what the Brits did?

Osama bin Laden's chief deputy is denying an internet theory being spread by Iranians and the Shiite Hezbollah that Israel carried out the 9/11 terrorist attacks and not the Sunni-led al Qaeda. The chief deputy, Ayman al-Zawahiri, wants to make sure that everyone knows they did it. Now if he can only convince Rosie O'Donnell. Unfortunately, Osama bin Laden is still unavailable for comment.