April 2008 - That was Some Month We Just Had

In a story on American obesity, an ABC website article held up the Girl Scouts as an example of blame because they're selling cookies creating a "toxic food environment." Yes, America, that's why we're portly, because of the once-a-year cookie drive, not because we put bacon on everything we eat while playing "Grand Theft Auto" 12 hours straight.

On the Charlie Rose show, CNN founder Ted Turner argued that inaction on global warming "will be catastrophic" and those who don't die "will be cannibals." Fortunately, thanks to those Girl Scout cookies, it'll be good eating.

The Wall Street Journal came out advocating that Americans should begin stockpiling food food prices are rising here much faster than the returns on a bank accounts or money-market funds. And they're right. I just sold some second hand saltines on Ebay for triple of what I paid for it. This all just happens to coincide with Rupert Murdock's new game at the Journal called "Food-o." So I'm guessing all those cases of Hamburger Helper are I squirreled away are starting to look pretty good about now. And I've been hoarding Spam for months. Not because of any food shortages, I just really like Spam. Then came reports of rice shortages in other countries and that created a panic here, forcing Costco and Sam's Club to ration the amount of rice people can purchase. The panic is being traced to one man who is attempting to corner the rice market. His name? Auric Ricefinger. They're limiting each customer to four 20 pound bags each. Well, there goes my recipe for rice pudding., saying that

Now it turns out that the government mandate for ethanol production is causing rising corn prices, too. Suffering Succotash! So, why can't they make bio-fuels out of something like Brussels' sprouts instead? So, you starving kids out there waiting for some corn, how would you like it; regular or high-test?

In Africa, there's been a panic over a rash of "penis thefts" in the Congo with police arresting 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises. That rice panic thing doesn't sound so bad now, does it? But I gotta tell ya, that's one line-up I'd prefer to miss. The full story will be told in the new book, "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stones."

China Views

CCN is being sued for $1.3 billion over remarks made by commentator Jack Cafferty about China. Fourteen Beijing lawyers allege that he "violated the dignity and reputation of the Chinese people." Apparently, it's a class action suit so everyone in China gets a buck. I wonder if the Chinese will call Tibet as a character witness.

China officials are accusing Dalai Lama backers of planning suicide attacks. Why? Did China draw some cartoons of the Dali Lama? Because if there's anything we've learned about Buddhist monks is their hard-core suicidal bombing tendencies. This all has led Islam extremists to file a copyright infringement suit against the monks.

With the trans-global Olympic flame relay meeting protests around the world, the relay has been re-worked as the Olympic torch hide & side. Find it if you can!

Meanwhile, in Cuba:

Since becoming president on Feb. 24, Raul Castro's government dropped some restrictions on daily life:

-Cubans can now legally own cell phones. Hopefully, one day, they'll be allowed to own batteries.

-Cubans can now buy computers and finally see what all the fuss about "Lonely Girl15" was all about.

-Cubans can now buy computers. So I guess we'll be seeing a lot of 1959 Chevys pop up on Ebay now.

-Cubans can now rent cars. When they're allowed to rent boats, then we'll get excited.

Media Round-Up

The New York Times reported that CBS is in talks to outsource its newsgathering operation to CNN. CBS denied the reports. Oddly, the denial was announced on CNN.

Univision pulled in bigger ratings than ABC, CBS, NBC and Fox during the first week of April. We're sure it'll drop once they finish that fence.

Actor Robert DeNiro fired his agent. The agent was found in the trunk of a late model Cadillac.

Never-before-seen photos have surfaced of Elvis Presley performing in Madison Square Garden in 1972. Which is great, since we all forgot what he looked like. Imagine that, photos from back in 1972. I don't think they even had digital back then. Speaking of Elvis, with her 18^th hit record "Touch My Body," Mariah Carey passed Presley for the most No. 1 singles on the Billboard Hot 100, and is now second only to the Beatles. When asked about this Mariah said, "Who are these people? Do I know them?"

In a new book released on the anniversary of the sinking of Titanic, the authors believed the ship's sinking was because of rivets made out of substandard materials, which popped on impact. Wow, just in the nick of time! Sure, they could have taken the easy way out and blamed the iceberg.

ABC News revealed that one of the famous shots of supposed Antarctic ice shelves in the Al Gore's film "An Inconvenient Truth" was actually a computer-generated image from the 2004 science fiction blockbuster "The Day After Tomorrow." Which may explain why my Blockbuster moved the film from "Documentary" to "Science-Fiction."

A Florida plastic surgeon wrote a picture book that tries to calm the fears of kids with parents getting plastic surgery. The book is called, "Why's Mommy so Shallow?"

Disney Books has announced that fifteen year old teen star Miley Cyrus will be writing her autobiography...on an Etch-A-Sketch.

TV personality and wedding diva Star Jones filed for divorce from her husband of three-and-a-half years Al Reynolds. Said Mr. Reynolds, "she's not the woman I married...by half." The couple did not say if they will be returning wedding gifts or the hours and hours of time we wasted hearing about her wedding plans.

Jerry Seinfeld was unhurt after an auto accident when his car rolled over after the brakes on one of his vintage cars failed. Later Seinfeld told reporters, "You ever have your brakes fail? What's up with that? And, I mean, they're called brakes...how do you not expect them to break?"

Woody Allen is suing a clothing company for $10 million for using his image on billboards without his permission or consent. This is the first time Allen had to file this kind of suit since the case against the company that sold auto decals showing him peeing on the GM Truck logo.

The Vatican newspaper, L'Osservatore Romano, reports Islam has surpassed Roman Catholicism as the world's largest religion. Which is great news for the chain store, "Burkas R Us."

The movie "Stop-Loss," was released and tanked at the box office. It was the latest in a string of anti-Iraqi War movies that have bombed. This puts in doubt Hollywood's next big projects: "The Sean Penn Story," and "Guantánamo: The Musical"