Are You an Alien Abductee?

Whether you are an actual abductee and have this nagging itch (kind of like the painful, burning itch of hemorrhoids) for them to make a return visit, or just wish to become an official abductee so you can get on Oprah and Larry King, you need to take this test.

1. The very first reported case of human abduction by aliens was:

Henry the Eighth, or was he was discovered hiding in his floozy's chambers and in the closet when the queen dropped in looking for him?

George Washington, or was he pulling a Henry the Eighth when found in the slaves quarters engaged in pro-creation?

Charles Lindberg? Was he really in that little plane all that time?

Betty and Barney Hill who turned out to be a pair of really very strange people?

2. When late at night you see three heads of aliens (appearing very much like three-foot high Q-Tips with spindly arms and legs) looking in your bedroom window what should you assume?

Their spaceship broke down and they are wanting to use your sub-space radio to call for a tow.

They are selling Alien Cookies door to door to fund charity abductions of Earthlings.

They are a trio of intergalactic voyeurs who are wanting to cop a cheap thrill.

They are indeed going to cop a thrill once you faint dead away and when they get you back to their star cruiser.

3. To get into your house to scare you into unconsciousness and then abduct you, they enter your abode how?

They knock on the door pretending to sell you those cookies and you let them in because they look so cute.

They pick your door's lock because they once abducted the famous cat burglar, Bill Mason, and tortured the lock-picking information out of him while extracting his semen.

They crawl through the window you stupidly left open, wait until you are in the shower, and then they sneak up on you like Norman Bates did in Hitchcock's Psycho which is a very popular movie on their home planet.

They beam (teleport) you out of your bed using a blue light. No one knows why it's always a blue light, not even the aliens know, but that's what they do.

4. What will you say to the aliens when they finally get your 350 pound, "one-too-many-McDonald's-Combo-Meal-swollen-big-butt" body out of that damned blue light (after almost shorting out all the electrical systems on their ship from the strain) and into their space ship that is designed to accommodate beings that are only three feet high?

You ask them, "Do you expect me to believe you are going to set me on a table designed for and by little alien midgets?"

You ask them, "How the hell am I going to stand up in this phone booth for Munchkins?"

You ask them, "Is Spock here? I want to talk to him, now!"

You ask them, "You want to extract what from me?"

5. What will the aliens say to you once they manage to get your inflated fanny onto their emergency reinforced surgical table in their space ship:

"We'll begin when and if we manage to achieve a higher orbit. The ship seems to be sagging from the extra weight."

Leonard Nimoy will NOT be joining us tonight. We abducted him last night.

Will Bill Shatner do? He's in the other room doing Sinatra imitations and we would love to kill him because he's too loud.

We want you to have our babies.

6. What exactly are the motives the Aliens have for abducting you?

They want to see if what they say on home-world is true that humans scream and faint when poked with needles.

They want to find out why Arkansas Hillbilly K-Mart Shoppers tell their children, "If you'ins don't quit chore cry'in, I'm gonna thump you good when I get choo back to the trailer park."

They want to find out why K-Mart, HBO, Taco Bell, Japanese cars, trailer parks, barn and line dancing, American made beer, face crème, the entire country of France, turnips, eggplant, farting, belching, and other human sounds, George Bush ever came into being and why the aliens should not vaporize all of these things.

They want to interbreed with humans. (Although they understand the basics of warping space to be able to reach earth from light years away, they have no concept of phenotype: they look like grey Q-Tip dwarves with arms and legs and humans are Pillsbury Dough-Boys. They cannot have imaginations!)

7. How do you explain your "Missing-Time" to family and friends once the aliens return you to your house or car?

You tell everyone, including your mother who called the National Guard to look for you, that you were with a "friend" at the Won't Tell Motel just down the street.

You tell everyone you were at an all night movie marathon down to the Bijou watching sci-fi flicks like, "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", and "When Aliens Take You to Torture Semen Out of You" - A Paramount Production.

You were at Space Mountain at Disney World and missed your flight back home to Dubville, Arkansas - International Home to the Most K-Mart Shoppers anywhere (including all the known galaxies)

You tell them forthrightly that you were on an inter-galactic space vessel "getting-it-on" with the future father or mother-or both-of your alien hybrid child (more news at 10!)

8. What exactly do you tell your doctor at your yearly physical when a small, quarter-sized electronic device is discovered and removed from your left butt-cheek?

"Oh that little ole thing? Didn't you put it there, Doc?" (diversionary tactics)

"I accidentally swallowed that and though I tried, I couldn't quite pass it." (direct lying tactics)

"So...that's where I put that!" (redirecting tactics)

·"That's my micro-identity chip installed by those guys from Oooga-Booga-Zork. Don't worry, they'll be back for it." (the guaranteed-to-get-committed tactics)

9. What you tell the aliens when they come back some gestational time period later:

"That's not my little hybrid...just try getting child support out of me."

"My kid? Talk to the hand!"

"It's so cute! You say it's both sexes? How about those 40 fingers and toes?"

"You're an unfit alien. I want hybrid custody! My lawyer will be in touch. Here's her card: Gloria Allred, 1-800-9-Aliens

10.What is the proper way to prevent a first or subsequent Alien Abduction?

Make a little tin-foil helmet and wear it to bed each night.

Have yearly MRI's to make sure they didn't sneak an extra tracking device somewhere in your body like in your sinus cavities.

Stop answering the doorbell when they come trying to pass off their ruse of selling Alien Cookies for Abduction charities.

Take lots and lots of psychotropic medications (tell your family doc you've been kidnapped by aliens and I am sure you will be give an open-ended prescription).

The answers to this quiz you will have to glean from the context of the rest of my yet to be published book. I know, I know, it's a cheap trick to get you to actually read the book instead of skimming the first chapter while sucking down your white chocolate mocha while at Barnes and Noble Bookstore. But that's the way it's going to be.