Are You Continually Frustrated by Your Child's Tantrums?

Being a parent of a toddler or young child can be extremely challenging. Every parent wants to do their best to assure that their child has a happy childhood and grows up to be a well rounded, capable adult. But what do you do when you are constantly running into conflict with your child?

Society often mentions the "terrible two's" during which tantrums are frequent. What isn't mentioned as often is how much louder and more difficult conflicts and tantrums can become as your child grows older. What is the best way to respond when your child is having a huge melt down? Parents have several options including punishing your child in order to make them stop the tantrum, attempting to distract them, or trying to do what the child wants in order to calm them down. None of these options are the perfect answer. What should a parent do when they find themselves facing a raging, hysterical child?

As children ourselves, many of us remember what it was like to have a tantrum. We might remember the injustice we were upset over, or the frustration we felt at not getting our way. We also probably remember how our parents responded, and many of us have vowed to be different than our parents were. But it's difficult to change our ways as a parent. Despite our best efforts, how often do we find ourselves horrified that we are sounding just like our mother or father?

In a way, when we become parents we are already programmed to respond a certain way based on how we were treated as a child and the things society ingrains in our minds. The difficult task is learning how to think differently, how to stop the automatic response we get when our child begins to get hysterical and instead find the real issue behind the tantrum in order to help our child cope with their feelings and then move on.

The book "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" by Naomi Aldort gives us a simple method to consider when a tantrum or major conflict arises. Aldort's method is the acronym S.A.L.V.E.

The "S" stands for separate. This is the most difficult part of the process for most parents.

Think about what goes through your mind as soon as your child starts to cry or scream. What are your first thoughts? For most parents they have anger, frustration, or embarrassment. The first thoughts going through a parent's mind pop up automatically, without warning. Sometimes those first thoughts are what a parent will blurt out. "What's wrong with you?" "Get up right now!" "You'd better stop this second or I'll..."

Sometimes the thoughts are loudly echoing inside our heads. "Why is she behaving this way?" "Everyone is staring at me!" "I can't take another second of this screaming." "Why is my child such a brat?" "He'll never learn to behave!"

The key is to respond to those thoughts, but silently. Not out loud. Not with actions. Acknowledge those thoughts in your mind. Think about whether they are true. Think about what you feel and why, then file those thoughts away in the back of your mind. Later, once the situation has passed, you can take time to sit down and think about your immediate reactions.

It's important to realize what you think automatically when a tantrum is happening does not actually have anything to do with your child or why they are throwing a fit. Your child is unaware of your thoughts or feelings. They are your own thoughts, and the only way they can enter the situation is if you allow them out of your head. Reacting with anger or frustration only makes tantrums worse, and it does nothing to help your child solve the issue. You may be able to temporarily stop the tantrum with distractions or threats, but your child will still be left with the upset that started the problem in the first place. This lingering unresolved upset makes the same tantrum more likely to reoccur, since nothing has been resolved in the child's mind.

Once you acknowledge your own anxiety or frustrations about your child and let them go, you are free to focus on your child in front of you instead of on your own feelings.

So after you acknowledge your initial personal thoughts, what should you do next?

The "A" stands for attention. Focus all of your attention simply on your upset child, without your automatic judgments, anger, anxiety, or frustrations. Make sure your attention is solely on your child and allow no other thoughts to get in the way.

The "L" stands for listen. Listen carefully to what your child is saying. Why is your child actually upset? Listen not only to words but also body language. Don't rush--keep in mind that the screaming or flailing is upsetting to you, but don't let that get in the way of focusing on your child. Think if your child's feelings are escalated by other events of the day--stress, exhaustion, or hunger, etc. If your child can talk ask simple questions to allow the child to explain why they are upset or what happened to bring on the conflict. Be sure to make eye contact with your child, and simply let them know you hear what they are saying. If your child is non-verbal you can still reassure them that you understand with validation.

The "V" stands for validate. It's important to acknowledge your child's feelings and validate them without interjecting your own emotions or opinions. Often simply repeating the problem is soothing to the child because they know you were listening and that you understand what's going on. "You're disappointed that we had to leave the pool early because your sister wasn't feeling well." "You're frustrated because you can't play with that toy right now."

Be sure not to negate your child's feelings. "You're frustrated because you can't play with that toy right now, but it's not your turn and he had it first." This isn't helpful to the upset child. They might very well know it's not their turn, but that doesn't stop the frustration from being felt. Don't apologize or try to rationalize anything. Just simply state that you understand the problem and the way your child feels. With an older child sometimes all that's needed is nodding and making eye contact or hugging to let your child feel safe enough to elaborate how they are feeling on their own.

Succeeding in connecting with your child by understanding their feelings creates a lasting bond between you and your child. Instead of furthering your child's frustration by reacting to your own feelings out of desperation to get the tantrum to stop, you connect with your child to let them know their feelings are important and valid.

Once your child's feelings are validated, the tantrum sometimes stops. The child is able to move on with their life after knowing that they had a strong feeling, it was ok, and now it's passed.

Other times validating your child's feelings about a situation might bring on more crying because now the child feels safe enough to release all of their disappointment or frustration. In this case, everything is still alright. Continue to remain calm. It's a good idea to tell the child that you understand their emotion, but it's not ok to scream in the middle of the restaurant or store and that the two of you need to leave to go somewhere more private. Take the child to the car, or outside, or to another room in your house where they can work through their feelings safely without embarrassing themselves or causing a huge scene.

Stay patient and remember that letting your child work through their feelings is the only way for them get over it. Punishing or forcing a child to stop expressing themselves only stuffs their feelings inside, and you'll find they reoccur over and over with more frequent tantrums in the future. As children grow older their gradually be able to cope with their emotions in other ways.

Finally, the "E" stands for empower. Empower your child to find a resolution to their own issues. Don't rush in to fix everything for them. Don't imply your own parental expectations or solutions, just trust your child--realizing they have your support--to be able to get past their feelings and gain self-confidence by fixing the problem.

Remember, when facing a tantrum validate your child's feelings rather than negate them!

The book "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" has many more wonderful tips for how to stop your old way of thinking and instead learn to change your relationship with your child from "reactions and struggle" to "freedom, power, and joy."