Are You Dating a Killer?

On September 19, 2007, a 34 year-old man named Julian Walker shot and killed himself in a St. Louis suburb. Just a couple of days prior to his violent death, Walker fled metro Atlanta after allegedly gunning down the 48 year-old stepfather of his girlfriend, and then his estranged wife-both of whom live in the Atlanta area. The trail of violence began once Walker's 18 year-old ex-girlfriend ended their romantic relationship. According to local news stories, he became enraged and took his frustration out on her stepfather, and then a short time later, his wife. It is quite possible that the ex-girlfriend had no inkling about her paramour's mental instability-though it is obvious that she discovered this information too late. But in recent months, there have been several murder-suicide cases of similar background, which would indicate that others are equally oblivious.

When I was around the age of 18 or 19, I met a man 14 years my senior, though he'd seemed much younger upon my meeting him. At that point in time, I'd had fairly limited dating experience, but saw no problem with exploring the opportunity-that is until my little voice told me that something was not quite right with the budding relationship. It was at that moment that I decided to end things, though I was not quite sure why I was doing so. In retrospect, I realize that ending things relatively early was probably one of the best things that I could have done. In light of my romantic inexperience, I felt that something was amiss. As a more mature adult, I realize now the warning signs that could have pointed to a very similar fate. So how can one be certain that his/her newest love interest holds no psychological skeletons in the closet? The clues are more simple than you might realize.

Psychological Skeletons

In the initial stages of dating, it is not typical that one would reveal his/her most innermost demons, especially those which might revolve around childhood abuse or other emotional issues. Sometimes, however, people do disclose certain details about themselves as they are beginning to open up to a new romantic interest. Keeping that in mind, you should not casually gloss over stories that reveal extreme violence or abuse. While everyone who has been through traumatic experiences does not end up going on killing rampages, there are often subconscious repercussions associated with these types of situations. People who have been abused are certainly worthy of fulfilling relationships. But should you decide to continue seeing your new love interest, look for signs of healing to indicate that he/she has truly dealt with the long-term consequences of abuse or trauma.

Attention!

If you have begun dating someone who seems overly attentive fairly early on in the relationship, take this as a warning sign. It is very easy to become swept away by someone who bestows all of his/her attention on you. Gifts, phone calls, and romantic dates are all part of the "courting" experience. But if these things see m a bit too overwhelming, you should take note.

In my experience of dating someone over a decade older than I was at the time, I was taken aback by how eager he was to buy me teddy bears and flowers so very soon. The gesture in and of itself seemed completely innocent (and to most people, very romantic). But the problem was that I felt that he didn't know me well enough to warrant giving me those kinds of gifts so soon. Romantic gifts should be given out of the appreciation for what two people have already shared. The effort that one takes to secure your attention should be paced according to the progression of your relationship.If you have only shared an evening of dinner and dancing, a red flag should be raised.

The Smell of Desperation

In the case of 34 year-old Julian Walker, the fact that he seemed obsessed with someone almost half his age should also have been a red flag. Sometimes people who are mentally unsteady will display signs of sheer desperation on some level. But at first, that behavior may not be deemed "desperate." The multiple phone calls and messages may seem cute in the beginning, but if he/she seems to require the contact in order to function, there is a definite problem. The quaint attempts at fostering a romance will more than likely smell heavily of desperation if the two of you have not been an item for very long. The "need" for contact may seem innocent in the beginning. But if your new interest doesn't know you well enough, the basis for that need should be questionable.

All in all, there is no amount of investigation that will immediately alert you to someone who has the potential to kill due to romantic entanglements. Certainly one can easily obtain someone's criminal background. But outside of playing detective, you'll have to rely on your instincts, and some subtle clues in order to gauge whether your newest love interest has the capacity for extreme violence.