Are You Good Marriage Material?

When a marriage breaks apart it is always a painful experience. If we are lucky there are no kids involved, but sadly most of the time that is not the case. Aside from the fact that divorces are not just emotional scaring but extremely costly, it is not something that I would recommend having to experience. Of course it is the rare individual that will look at them-selves first for the cause of the marital failure. To prevent having to go from "I do" to "Get me the hell out of here", I would like to encourage you to take a very blunt and honest look at your own behaviors and character trades to see if YOU are good marriage material.

How do you view the Marriage commitment?

When you think of the responsibilities and longevity of Marriage do you consider it a given that you will be together until death do you apart, or do you see it more of an "I can always get divorced if it doesn't work out" sort of trial period?

With our new attitude towards commitments of any kind and our predisposition to only want to do things that make us feel good, divorce is no longer something many of us don't even want to consider. It is a sad fact that over half of today's marriages end in divorce and that the statistics for 2^nd marriages failing are even more discouraging. If you start your life commitment with the thought that you can always divorce if it doesn't work out, then I would like to advise you to not even give it a try. Yes, divorce is a fact of life these days, but it should only be viewed as a last resort not a liable option. When the possibility of divorce enters your mind during marriage preparations, then your gut is already telling you that this is the wrong option. Please reconsider and give both of you a chance for happiness with another partner.

Are you extremely independent?

As an adult we have to have a certain amount of independence to be able to function in a responsible and even healthy manner, but there is such a thing as being too independent. If you find it difficult to consult with anyone about a decision before you make it, you may be cruising for disaster in a marriage. There are millions of small decisions we have to make on a daily bases that do not require any input from our Partners, but there are those larger ones that will affect others as well. If you honestly believe that you are not accountable to anyone, stay away from marriage. You will be surprised just how accountable you actually need to be to each other. Marriage may not stop your independents, but even if your Partner loves this about you right now, as the time passes it will become a huge problem in your marriage. All your time is no longer just yours now; it has become partially each others. If you are not willing to adjust your plans often at last minute to the needs of your partner, don't go any further.

Are you too dependent?

The flipside of the above is just as big of an issue. Wanting to consult with your life partner about everything, may be cute in the beginning, but sooner or later it will start to stifle them. There is nothing worst then a person that can not make any decisions for them-selves. Making a life together without having to micromanage your spouses' life is difficult enough, but when you are co-dependent as well your partner will soon become overwhelmed. If you need approval from those around you 24/7, you are not mentally healthy enough to enter into a life commitment that is not going to be easy by any means.

Are you quick to anger?

If you are made out of lava and your temper constantly boils over at every little bit, then you need to reconsider marriage. After the initial honeymoon period is over you will be irritated more often then not. Once your hormones are back in their normal sphere of things, those cute little "habits" will soon not be so cute any longer and that is usually when you have to cultivate patience with yourself and your partner. If you are quick to be angered, you may find that your marriage will be filled with constant strive and arguments. This is not a healthy base for a life-time commitment. There is nothing more scary for a person to have to constantly tip toe around someone because of their anger issues, and there is nothing worst for the person with the anger issues then to be around a person they can't stand near them anymore.

Are you emotionally not available?

You don't have to hold your partners hand every step of the way, but when you can not be there to give a helping hand when they most need it then you should not be with another human being on such a deep level. Being emotionally unavailable for the one that depends on sharing their life in a meaningful way with you, is a guaranteed way to destroy what love they have for you. It can also destroy their emotional ability to feel for anyone along the way. Please don't put anyone through that.

Can you be faithful?

A little harmless flirtation hasn't harmed anyone has it? Yes, it has - matter of fact infidelity is one of the main causes of divorce. You need to realize that your partner will get older and change just as much as you will over time. You both will grow bored with each other sooner or later as natural parts of your relationship changes. This is something that you can change together, but if you already have a hard time keeping your roving eye on the narrow path, you are better of remaining a Player. Be honest with your partner and let them go to find someone that can stand by them when they get older.

Are you willing to make sacrifices for your partner?

Is life all about you or are you willing to make sacrifices when you are called to do so? In a marriage you are often called upon to put yourself last. This is extremely difficult for most people, but when this is one sided and your partner has to do all the giving up, you will be giving up your partner sooner or later. If you are not willing to sacrifice for your spouse, then don't go any further.

Do you believe in love lasting forever?

If you do, let me give you a wake up call right now. Love as you experience it in the beginning of a relationship is not really love. It is a very deep infatuation and the first tendrils of what may grow into love. This feeling of connectedness we often view as love will go away over time and a hopefully deeper but sadly less passionate feeling will take over. If you are looking for the romance movie type of happily ever after you will be disappointed. Re-evaluate your feelings and desires before you go further.

Do you quit easily?

If your first response to something becoming uncomfortable or difficult is to want to quit, then you have no business getting married to anyone. Marriage and raising children are two of the most demanding and difficult undertakings you will ever start. It takes a lot of courage and time to get things right. There is nothing easy about being married to someone. It can be highly rewarding however if you and your partner are a good match.

Are you in love with love?

Some of us enjoy the chase, but not the catch. If you are one of those that are the happiest while chasing a new adventure, then you really won't be too happy when you are truly caught.

Are you a Momma's/Daddy's Boy or Girl?

If your first priority is to your Mother or Father and you can not stand up for yourself when it comes to your birth family you are the furthest from being good marriage material I can think of. The respect and love for your Parents is very important, but when you get married your first responsibility is to your own little family now. If you can not stand up for them, then you shouldn't even have them.

Are you on a rebound?

If you are getting married only to make certain that you are not loosing another person you want to be with, please get emotionally healthy first. Rebound relationships very seldom work out, and rebound marriages never do.

Are you marrying only for financial security?

If you are a gold digger (both male and females can be gold diggers by the way), you are more and likely not going to admit to this or see how this could be a problem. In the long run however, you are not only doing the other person a disservice, but are asking for unhappiness as well. Even if you are not a gold digger, but are just looking to make things a little easier for both of you, but the emotional connection is missing, your happiness will not be there.

Are you mentally stable?

If you suffer from chronic depression, have major psychological issues or are extremely bipolar to the extend that you can barely function at times, please get help first. It is very tempting to lean on the other person and depending on them to keep you stable, but in the long time they will grow tired of it and even start to resent you. In the end it will only become worst for both of you.

Are you financially stable enough to get married?

This is probably a very outdated and even old fashioned thought to have first. Long ago a man wouldn't even consider marrying a woman unless he was able to provide a reasonable home for her and could assure that they both could survive. Now the husband being the provider for his family is the minority rather then the majority with the economy and the behavior of many independent minded females. If you are looking however as a male for an old fashioned marriage where you are still the undisputed head of the household and have the respect that is so important to most of the gents out there, then you need to keep your ability of upholding the lions share of the responsibilities in mind. If you are having a problem holding a job down for longer then 2 month because you are easily bored or for a wide variety of reasons, then perhaps you should think about it again first. Ladies likewise, if you are planning on starting a family together make sure that you too can uphold your part of the bargain. If he is not stable enough to make certain you are able to survive, are you able and willing to carry the slack? Think about your abilities before you jump the gun.

Can you father or have children? Do you both want children?

If for some reason either one of you is unable to have kids and you know about it, you have a responsibility to let the other one know before the marriage vows. It may not be a big problem to the other person, but in case it is they do have a right to know. This could be a potential deal breaker.

Are you 100% sure that you really want this?

Don't propose to a person during sex or right after sex. Get to know them for several months first. Realize that everyone changes with time including yourself; be certain that you are not just infatuated with an idea. This is a very important commitment you make to each other.

I know that seems almost overwhelming and nobody really wants to hear it, but believe me when I am telling you from experience that there are 100^th of things that can and will come up in the course of a marriage. If you go into this blindly and unprepared you will end up living a very unhappy life. We as humans are wired to point a finger at everyone else when things go wrong, but we are very reluctant to take a look at our-selves and see what we may have done wrong. Saying, this was my fault is very painful, but it is the right thing to do if that is a fact.

A last advice to both genders if I may.

Females seem to have this notion that in time we can change our men and there have been many, many jokes made about it. The reality is that YOU can't change ANYONE that doesn't want to be changed. If you force them to become someone other then they are naturally are or developing with maturity into, then you are making them extremely unhappy. Marriage is not about making your partner unhappy, but about making sure that you give them the freedom to be as content and happy as possible.

Gentleman, you seem to think that we females will never change, but we are going to. It is part of nature. Women respond to how men act and speak towards them, we change when we become mothers, we change as we mature. In some cases those changes can be extremely positive and in others they may not be. The hardest thing for either gender is to love the person the way they are with all the warts. Realize this to begin with and you see the blemish in your own self and it will make your marriage a lot easier to keep intact.

To me, even so I am already in my second marriage, being partnered in matrimony with the right person can be the greatest and most exciting adventure in life. It is one of the great mysterious to me how a person can change so much in such a short time, but it is also the greatest pleasure to experience this "new" person anew each day. Neither my husband nor I are perfect by any means, I would say we both have warts the size of Alaska, but I wouldn't want to trade his presence in my life (even if it is as a Thorn from time to time) for anyone in the world. I am looking forward to see how he and I develop as we both grow old and watch our marriage change.

He may not always be the best husband and I many often far from being the perfect wife, but he is my best friend, what more can I ask for. I hope you can say the same thing after being together with your partner for 8 years and longer.