Are INFJ Personalities Bound to Be Co-Dependant

Are INFJ's more likely to be co-dependent or have symptoms of co dependency simply because they are who they are?

INFJ's are describes as problem solvers, counselors, healers of others. While these all sound like admirable character traits is it also possible that it can lead an INFJ to his or her own destructive life style patterns of co dependency.

Co Dependency is described in a relationship when one person refuses to leave another or make them take responsibility for their destructive behavior toward the co dependent person.

The root of Co dependency can be based on the desire to control others or receive the approval and acceptance of others(1)

The INFJ often strives for approval from others, and highly dislikes confrontation and may even often sacrifice his or her own needs as a result of it. Leading them to do a lot of things they do not want to do, but go along with to please others that they want approval from.

To tell an INFJ that they are selfish or self-centered is very painful to the INFJ ego and what they think of themselves, as being helpful. So often times they may have ideas that they wish to pursue and put off until it is convenient for others simply because it is who they are, and often times just cant help it even if they tried.

They judge themselves based on what they can do for others.

Carl Jung says

"In order to be conscious of myself, I must be able to distinguish myself from others." "Relationship can only take place where this distinction exists." If it is not its not a relationship but a co dependency addiction.

"So for INFJs, co dependence is activated through extroverted Feeling
It may show up as not letting others feel bad, needing others to be a particular way, finding fault, giving advice, being a self-righteous martyr, not being able to admit anger (or being rageful), and "fixing" people. It shows up as doing things for other people, being a saint, and getting sucked into other people's busy-ness."

Which are supposed to be the things that actually make us who we are.

I have stayed with my husband for many years.
I love him and I want the best for him and our family.
I have been patient and he as well.
We have our differences and we agree to disagree.
But I think that regardless of these issues I stay because I think it gives me a sense of purpose. It makes me who I am. I have been married for over half my life to this man, and to not be with him would mean not knowing who I am. For now I am a mother, a wife.

Previously there were issues of spending time together, or communication.
Because of the length of time that those needs have gone unmet my feelings have changed and I gave up on the possibility of having them met. Even if he were to try and meet them my guard remains up to protect myself and never to feel those feels of rejection again.

As I try and focus on my goals my co dependency of approval and acceptance holds me back because they clash with his goals, so I end up giving u my desires and needs once again, feeling resentment and taken for granted.

Ive been called selfish and self centered when I mention and or try and focus on my needs, but yet I remain in the situation that I am in.

It is not his fault, but my own because I am who I am.
Its not even limited to him, but includes the many that I care most about.
Finding it difficult to say No, when I don't really want to, fear of being rejected and unaccepted.

Often times going through fits of rebellion and just simply doing nothing, or doing just because I'm tired of pleasing everyone.

But I am afraid that being a people pleaser, problem solver, and counselor of others has lead me to loose my self even though that is what makes me who I am. They say that less than 1% of the population has this personality type INFJ, and that even less are men.

So does that leave me to be no one, or co Dependent and someone based on serving the needs of others, and giving up my own desires. Envying others as you see them accomplishing so much, experiencing so much, and giving so much; at times you even have helped them and supported them in reaching these goals, but yet you can not do it for yourself because its simply not who you are.

"Caretakers are the ones who suffers from low self-esteem and have a certain predictable way of thinking, feeling and behaving. This means that from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, they try desperately to hold on to the people they are addicted to using codependent behavior. They will do anything to "take care" of their partners in the hope that they will not leave-or that someday they will reciprocate. Caretakers tend to give, to get."(2)

"When you no longer need anything from your partner, you can focus on giving. When you are no longer depending on them to come through for you, you can forgive them when they don't. When you no longer need them to make you complete, you can appreciate them for who they are, flaws and all."(2)

But what about the other way around.
An INFJ values themselves based on meeting the needs of others, and being needed, but it is difficult to understand why they are unable to receive like they are able to give.

INFJ's value themselves on being dependable for others, and coming through for them when they need it most, and become frustrated when they cannot expect the same from others.

INFJ's feel that they need to help and assist others in order to make them complete; but where does that leave the INFJ co-dependent and focused on pleasing others in order to feel valued as a person, but undervalued because they are not receiving that same time of dedication and support that they give to others.

INFjs are always ready to help friends in difficult life situations. They care not with words but with real actions.(4)

A person may say one thing and have the best of intentions, but INFJs look for the actions of others not simply the words that they say, thus they are often said to be naive and impractical.

For an INFJ to hear such things only increases their doubt about themselves. Wondering if there needs matter at all, causing them to second guess their objectives and possibly begin to re-evaluate them and may even lead them to looking at other options, simply based on the comment of another.

Its as if the INJF personality was doomed to cause themselves to fail, or feel like failures.
In top of all this as if that is not enough INFJs are also most like to be Em-paths.

Em-paths tend to care take their environment as a way to care take themselves. This is a pretty roundabout way of doing self care. Doing or saying something that will make someone else angry or sad is uncomfortable for an empath, so that they often avoid confrontation in order to avoid feeling other people's uncomfortable emotions. It is easy for them to lose track of the fact that they themselves are feeling uncomfortable.(6)

Em-paths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause em-paths to ignore their own needs.(5)

The feeling of what is outside of them is based on their intuition and the feelings they receive from the presence of others. When an Empath feels the emotions of others as if they are their own they are most likely to do whatever it takes to heal that person.

People often say I feel your pain, when an Empath says such things they often mean just that. Being highly sensitive they will cry when others cry and do so a lot easier than most.

Are these negative qualities I ask myself. is not't it a good thing to be selfless and sympathize with others and give your self to them without expecting anything back? Yes it can be, unless it leads to you giving up yourself; however with an INFJ it's so much more difficult because this is their actual self as well.

Retrieved May 13, 2009
1. http://www.infjorinfp.com/docs/Codependence.htm

Retrieved May 13, 2009
2. http://happypajimna.wordpress.com/2007/05/31/self-sufficiency-the-answer-to-codependency/

Retrieved May 13, 2009
3. http://www.infj.com/INFJ_CoActivity.htm

Retrieved May 13, 2009
4. http://www.socionics.com/prof/infj.htm

Retrieved May 13, 2009
5. http://healing.about.com/cs/empathic/a/uc_empathtraits_2.htm
6.
Retrieved May 13, 2009
7. http://healing.about.com/od/empathic/a/empathessential.htm